Hairy, It sounds like she didn't mind the grade until it came time to follow through with the MC assignment. I can see why she was hesitant to start that night..given the morning's events..but she could have begged off in a nice way.
She seems unable to do this, doesn't she? If she knows she is about to do something that will disappoint, rather than do that, she picks a fight so that you will be the bad guy.
Would it be a 180 to say to her, "W is this about last night and not starting the schedule? Cause I'm okay with it." I'm sure she would argue vociferously with that statement but the words would be OUT THERE and would be percolating in her brain, nonetheless.
Quote: I will initiate a "special time" together, with no expectation of ML, but I will be firm that we spend time touching, away from the TV, which is what we agreed upon in the MC's office.
Why would you have no expectations of ML? Wasn't that the agreement? Or was it truly just to have snuggle time?
“If she knows she is about to do something that will disappoint, rather than do that, she picks a fight so that you will be the bad guy.”
This sounds very familiar. My wife does not want to take on anything that could come back and put blame on her. She doesn’t even like to hear blame from the kids. This is a tough thing to work with since she has no problem dispensing blame. Self esteem issues IMO.
hd, has she ever let her true 100% itch-bay self out in the C's office? I think that's why she waited until you got home to rip you a new one. What would it be like if you provoked her into a hysterical screaming hissy fit in the C's office?
I almost think she did it that one time to PROVE that you will never be satisfied.
I mean, honestly, did she think that you would be so grateful that you would just take that crust of bread and slink back to your corner?
“What would it be like if you provoked her into a hysterical screaming hissy fit in the C's office?”
That’s a great idea Lillieperl. Both W and I have fallen into this in counseling. She started off screaming her head off about all the abuse she says she was taking, Once I got my voice and threw down the gauntlet, I started screaming. It brought out my anger, but also made her confront her inappropriateness.
The counselor spoke of minimizers and maximizers. Maximizers are vocal and demonstrative in their efforts to have control. They often resort to violence or other types of intimidation. The minimizer tries to keep a cool exterior and appropriate appearance, letting the maximizer appear as the nut case to everyone. This is very covert manipulation, turning other’s opinions against the spouse. But the minimizer can be the one with more issues since s/he “stuffs” things. Minimizers are more difficult to crack open since they are often in denial of their actions, hiding behind a curtain of propriety. BTW, these classifications are not the same as introvert/extrovert.
Lillie, HP, Cobra... I have often wondered if I could provoke her into a fit in the MC's office, but I'm not sure what that would prove. I thing the MC recognizes, for the most part, what type of personality she's dealing with.
Quote: I almost think she did it that one time to PROVE that you will never be satisfied.
This, unfortunately, is the kind of stuff that rattles around in my brain all the time. Of course, if I shared that with W, she would say that such thinking is a product of my low self-esteem, that it is insulting to her that I would think she was being so manipulative, etc.
Do I think she ML with the intent to shut me up? Not consciously. Maybe subconsciously. Maybe she was just horny, and I was there. Who knows?
All I can do is clearly state my desire, show her that I love her, and hope things get better.
Quote: Said that there's just no pleasing me; I just need, need, need; and she gives, gives, gives;
I got that one on sunday. Too funny to be depressed over it for me.
Hay, we could swap wives and prove a point,(at least to BB) that most men are inconsiderate pigs!!! On second thought, I guess I could never prevail in a discussion with a lawyer.
Eventhough you did not get seconds at night, it was a relief to hear something happened in the AM. WTG, Can I say, me too? IYNWIM. Must have been good karma somewhere.
“… Of course, if I shared that with W, she would say that such thinking is a product of my low self-esteem, that it is insulting to her that I would think she was being so manipulative, etc.”
What I think you need to focus on is that it is insulting to YOU that SHE is being so manipulative. This is where you need to use the ground rules of therapy to your advantage. If you feel manipulated, then you are manipulated and the other person needs to acknowledge that (even if they don’t agree with it). But by saying this you turn it around on her. And if you do it in session, the MC can see it, then s/he can confront your wife about this, not you. Let the MC be the bad guy, you pay him/her enough. You can then play the good guy.
Also, it brings her motives into the open. She knows what she is doing, but you can’t prove it (your word against hers). And if you can’t prove it, she doesn’t have to acknowledge it, she doesn’t have to change, and she can hold on to the power.
To me, this type of indignation from your wife is just a smoke screen. She is turning things around on you first, by denying the validity of your feelings and then getting mad to keep you from challenging her. My wife does the exact same thing. I got tired of accommodating her so I challenged her. This created a lot of fighting, but in the end she has learned to recognize (somewhat) the things she is doing and to back off. Every time I bring something up she gets mad, but as I mentioned elsewhere, it is just like taming a wild horse. Let them buck and go crazy for a while, but do not back down. They eventually settle down and get used to the new rules. I don’t know if this confrontational approach will work for you, but it was the only thing I felt I could do.
It is all about asserting myself, pushing the boundaries back that she had pushed so far as to encroach into my space. The only one who can say your boundaries are being violated is you. Say it in a polite manner and she will have no recourse. All she can do is vent. All you need to do is hold your ground.
Thanks, cobra. I am doing a lot better at confronting her than I was doing a year ago.
I'm just kind of taking it all in right now. One thing I'm wanting some more specificity from her on, is this feeling of "safety" that she wants me to give her. I am, apparently, responsible for making her feel safe. (On the converse, she is, according to her, NOT responsible for making me feel loved). I want to ask her "safe from what?" And maybe I'll do that tonight.
She is leaving Friday on a trip with her Mom and sister for her mother's 60th birthday (or maybe it's her 65th, I'm not sure). They are going to Napa to get drunk, I guess. She's going to be gone until Wednesday the 19th. I think the distance/absence will be good for both of us.
HDog... I wouldn't get too bogged down in your latest squirmish. The fact of the matter is that the two of you ML ( finally)...let's not lose sight of that. You are scared that it's going to be a one shot deal and W needs to distance. Try to get things to calm down and get on a schedule.
Hairdog, I saw this and thought of your sitch (dunno why):
A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" her husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Services will be held for Husband #2 at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
Too funny to be depressed over it for me.
On second thought, I guess I could never prevail in a discussion with a lawyer. 
