“… Of course, if I shared that with W, she would say that such thinking is a product of my low self-esteem, that it is insulting to her that I would think she was being so manipulative, etc.”
What I think you need to focus on is that it is insulting to YOU that SHE is being so manipulative. This is where you need to use the ground rules of therapy to your advantage. If you feel manipulated, then you are manipulated and the other person needs to acknowledge that (even if they don’t agree with it). But by saying this you turn it around on her. And if you do it in session, the MC can see it, then s/he can confront your wife about this, not you. Let the MC be the bad guy, you pay him/her enough. You can then play the good guy.
Also, it brings her motives into the open. She knows what she is doing, but you can’t prove it (your word against hers). And if you can’t prove it, she doesn’t have to acknowledge it, she doesn’t have to change, and she can hold on to the power.
To me, this type of indignation from your wife is just a smoke screen. She is turning things around on you first, by denying the validity of your feelings and then getting mad to keep you from challenging her. My wife does the exact same thing. I got tired of accommodating her so I challenged her. This created a lot of fighting, but in the end she has learned to recognize (somewhat) the things she is doing and to back off. Every time I bring something up she gets mad, but as I mentioned elsewhere, it is just like taming a wild horse. Let them buck and go crazy for a while, but do not back down. They eventually settle down and get used to the new rules. I don’t know if this confrontational approach will work for you, but it was the only thing I felt I could do.
It is all about asserting myself, pushing the boundaries back that she had pushed so far as to encroach into my space. The only one who can say your boundaries are being violated is you. Say it in a polite manner and she will have no recourse. All she can do is vent. All you need to do is hold your ground.
