One foot in front of the other, one day at a time Bud, could you please remind me of this from time to time? You know me, screaming ahead to my destination and arriving there disheveled!

And you know that's not a healthy place to be. Sometimes, well most of the time, you absolutely own the truth. This is it ya know.. the whole thing is so screwed up and unhealthy. I was relaxed and peaceful when I returned from my Mom's now I'm in unhealthy confusion again.

Heh. I'd like to see that. Wonder how you define "major"? What are you doing between 8 and 9PM? Come on over! Really, I've allowed myself to be pushed so far and I have been a major b*tch. It's part of the boundaries being so relaxed and letting myself be backed so far in a corner that I come out with weapons drawn. It's not a pretty sight! But, I'm making headway on this. During a heated convo with H I was actually able to detach enough and consider the drama unfolding... consider the buttons that were being pushed and my reactions. H uses my anger so much.. uses it to justify so much. He's an anger freak.. addict? Not sure what to call it. But I had a long convo with my SIL (his brother's wife) this week and got confirmation on some things I've been suspecting. H's father dealt with his boys with anger, and their mother is not a nurturer at all. So basically, he grew up where the only major emotion being expressed was anger. Other than that, his parents are very stoic. No great shows of love, happiness, enthusiasm, caring, sadness, dispair. I got to have a calm convo with H about this the other night. He accused me of ALWAYS being angry at him and not talking to him, but venting. I know that's not true. I am outspoken and get charged up about stuff at times, but I'm pretty good at calmly talking about my problems and issues too. And, it's almost impossible for me to stay mad for more than 10-15 mins. It takes too much energy. Generally if something upsets me, I voice how I feel and then look to the other person for their response. If it's a defensive response (and it amazes me that H is on the defensive most of the time because I try to word things like "I'm angry because.. or I feel this.. etc, so as not to just come out and say "You make me feel like..."), that's a trigger for me that I need to avoid. Now that I know that, I'm getting better at deflecting the defensiveness and remaining calm. Anyway, I told him that I dont agree that I only express anger or vent on him. In fact, I often approach the subject nicely numerous times before it makes me angry that it didnt register a change, response or something with him. For example (I've posted this before):

Before a counseling session, over dinner, I told H that he has a friendship that makes me uncomfortable. I had mentioned it before, but we didnt discuss it in depth. There's a friend at work that calls him a lot and they play golf together and he's also a friend of OW. During the time we were separated, other than OW, this guy was his buddy. So, right or wrong.. I associate Shane with OW in my mind and get anxious when he's with him. I asked him to not stay in town after work with Shane on the days that he works with OW because it made me anxious. Then I told him that if I could meet this guy it would make it much better for me. Just something about meeting him and him being connected with "us" and not just H and OW. H said he understood and I could meet him and that he wouldnt hang out after work with him until things had calmed down. The next week H did exactly that and he lied about it. He told me he was going to go to look at golf clubs with Shane and I said "ummmm... do you have to?" and he said "well, I won't if you dont want me to" and I said "this is ridiculous, just go ahead and I'll take a deep breath and it'll be OK." I figured just because he had forgotten/blown off our convo on this subject didnt give me a right to be his Mommy and say he can't go out and play. I figured we could talk about it again later, but it wasnt worth reenforcing H's vision of me as controlling. H said no, I dont want to do anything that will make you doubt me so I'll go and get the boys and see you at home. Well, the next time I talked to him, he was at the mall with Shane and lied about it. Said he had stopped to look for a bday present for me. Then I found out he was with Shane, supposedly looking in Dillards.. sounds fishy, but whatever. The point is, it hurt me. I told him how I felt, suggested a solution, he agreed and then did exactly the thing that I expressed I was having a prob with. Then when I was angry because he downplayed my feelings about it and said it was no big deal, he said I was trying to control him, and get angry every time he does anything. I was angry because he didnt have to lie and hurt my feelings, I had told him to go ahead and go and it would be OK, but he insisted on doing it in a way that would only further my doubts and lessen my trust.

Sigh.. no winning this one. And the point that took so long to get to is - H responds to anger, but other forms of communication blow right by him. They don't have any impact on him. I can tell him I'm sad and get no response, but if I'm angry, he starts doing "something". I hate that cycle. I'm not an angry person at heart.. I RARELY get angry with my kids or anyone. H even told the MC that. That I don't raise my voice to the kids or yell at them, but with him, I've learned to use it to communicate. I don't like that! I want to sit down and have an adult convo about problems, agree on a solution, agree to disagree.. whatever, but just something that's not such a stressful drama. So, I've decided to put the brakes on my part of it. When I do that he gets very confused and starts asking if I'm OK a million times.. attempting to communicate and get something out of me, but when I respond calmly, he doesnt get it. He says I'm withdrawing. Evidently he thinks raw emotion is what people are truly thinking and feeling, but a calm talk means I'm witholding my true feelings. I'm just very very thankful that this way of communicating with H isnt spilling over to my other R's. And, I live in fear of a future intimate R because I'm afraid that it'll trigger the pattern I've had with H. I was talking to my friend K about this yesterday and telling her that H says I'm a bad communicator and can't sit down and talk out a problem. She was reassuring that that is BS. And the R that I had after the D wasnt marked with anger.. but still.

Do you ever fear that you're going to re-create the same probs in a future R?

Isn't that a great part of you? Maybe being aware of it will help enable you to work around it when it becomes a problem. But don't give it up.
 Yes, it is. I need to very carefully consider what I do with my heart. My Dad used to say I wear it on my sleeve and everyone that comes by can do with it what they want. I've built those walls for years. They need to come down and I need to stop opening the door for people who shouldnt have access to those vulnerable parts of me. I mean, the walls are so thick that I have a hard time crying (H hates tears), or expressing sadness. When my aunt died last year and I laid in the bed and cried, D11 was distraught. I realized that she's rarely (probably never, but I'd hate to admit that) seen me cry and it scared her. Something must be really bad if Mom is crying. I'm getting better at expressing genuine emotion, but it's taking time to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling. Like I said, the emotion that H understands in anger.. anything outside of that or too expressive makes him angry and uncomfortable. He doesn't have a good track record of dealing with sad, joyous, scared, frustrated.. etc. Makes for a flat and tense existence for all of us.

I started a new thread. Not sure if I should move to another thread because I don't think we're piecing. More like negotiating H moving out in Jan.

Thanks for being so generous with your time and insight. I appreciate it more than you know. If I stop to think about how a perfect (literally! ) stranger has coaxed me forward during the most desperate time of my life it almost defies understanding. I have close friends, but you and a few others here have been rocks to me and you don't even get the benefit of my bubbly, witty personality (cough) to weaken the blow of my dispairing posts. You're a prince and a gem! Invite me to your Aussie wedding will ya?! he he