Okay, my eyes were getting moist by this point, now CUT THAT OUT!
Sheila, you bestride your sitch like a colossus of yore. What a softie you are! Unfortunately, I'm very good at "cutting out" that side of me that maintains a positive attitude towards H and our R. I'm struggling in a BIG way here not to be a WAS. Every day something comes up that is just maddening to me..and I know a part of that is my attitude. For instance, we're about to leave for the weekend to go to OH to visit family. H isnt going because he's supposed to have an interview that's basically a done deal.. hopefully the money will be right. He's not SURE he'll have the interview because the guy whose doing the hiring has had a work crisis and is going to have to fit the interview in today or tomm. It might be that we travel without him and S2 and then the interview doesnt even pan out. Im frustrated. He's been pushing me for a month to get out of town and see my Mom. One part of me knows it's because he wants me to go and see her... get a little Mom TLC and relax, but there's another part of me that thinks he's trying to run me out of town for another reason. So, I'm wondering what he's up to. It's hard for me to live with that doubt.. looking over my shoulder.. trying to determine if he's sincere or if he's full of sh*t. I wanna be the person who BELIEVES, yet I know that I've been that person in the past and it's come back to burn me in a big way. And I see him struggle too because he's afraid that he wont go on the interview and I'll be upset because he couldve went with us.. then I'll wonder what he did for four days and etc, etc, etc. So I think "why are we doing this?" It creates constant turmoil for both of us, and I don't know if I'll ever get to a place of trust with him again. I'd like too, but that little part of me that's in charge of protecting myself is screaming "run like h*ll!" "haven't you been here enough to have had enough?!" I guess the next step is to let go.. and live in a place where it doesnt matter what he does, but I don't know how to get there. How do I get there? I can be a major b*tch, but honestly, I'm so very sensitive that it's hard for me to put up a wall that protects me and let go and distance. I'm sure a lot of people have that problem. I find it hard not to care and not to hurt when our R isnt what it should be, especially when we're hurting each other so much. I find it hard to live with him and know how close we've been and then be in the R we have now. I'd like to be able to live how I believe in living.. to give and love and care with a certain amount of security. I wish I could do it unconditionally, but then I come back to the deal breakers. I come back to the feeling that I've been rejected so many times, how'll this time be different? I've been lied to so much.. it's hard to face it happening much more. I told him that I'd made peace with giving all I had to our R and sacrificing for it. I was in a place where I put our needs before my own.. I understood that he needs some emotional distance.. he needs me to take care of finances and make sure things run smoothly.. I was even in a place where I accepted that our physical and emotional needs are very different and I'd made peace with the weeks between being intimate. It was worth it because I KNEW we loved each other and I had the security that the long term commitment and love was worth the sacrifice of some needs. The payoff of looking at the love of my life and being certain it was true and solid was much more satisfying than knowing his deepest thoughts, having his constant affections, or living with someone who could balance a check book. I just don't know how to get back to that place, because now I know the security was an illusion. I honestly tried my best to be a good wife to him in every way I could be and it wasnt enough. And now I think, if I can't be secure, why can't I at least be happy while it lasts? At least before I could look ahead to years that we could grow closer and have hope that we would get closer and eventually be meeting each other's needs and compromising. Now I look ahead and see me going back to changing who I am for him.. ignoring my needs and hoping that he'll care enough to protect my heart. All I'm asking is that he consider me. That he not do the things that he knows hurt me deeply. Dont lie, dont cheat, dont discount my feelings, dont put us in a place financially where we cant take care of our kids. And oh yeah, try meeting my physical needs a little because Im getting tired of being frustrated..LOL. Not funny, but what's been the least of my worries is starting to really get on my nerves! I do want a man who loves to ML to me.. it's fun, I like it, it makes me feel good, loved and wanted. Is that a crime?
Ugh.. me rambling again and I need to finish packing!
All this time I thought Steff was leaving on weekends to be with Om, but she was obviously heading south to hang out with you! Next time you see her, would you tell her I'd like my Erasure CD back? You're a mess Bud..LOL I'd love for Steff to come hang out with me. In fact, I'd love for her to spend a day with H and see what life is like when you can't be sure your H will catch you when you fall. I'd also tell her that she's probably got it all wrong. I have such a strong feeling that she's going to leave your R and it'll become SO clear to her that you were a solid foundation that she's taken for granted. And I won't even start on how empty she might feel without your love and presence.. it's like giving up air what she's doing. She doesn't notice the air or how vital it is to her because she's never seen it.
