Ahhh.. post bath quiet and almost reading time We have to work with S5 on recognizing his letter sounds.

Just wanted to journal that it's been a good evening after a rough day emotionally. Started out in the pits, but was better this afternoon. Went to the gym at lunch (thank goodness because it relaxed me!). Then had a hairy convo with H. Remember back when he started taking more responsibility for the finances? Well, he made a goof with the electric bill.. nothing major and he called me about it right away. But he underpaid it by $30.. was a complete accident on his part, and the notice that it was short didnt make it to our mailbox (not a surprise around here!). So he returned home after picking up the kids and no electric. He was p*ssed! He called to tell me he had to pay the $30 balance plus a reconnection fee and wanted to know where I have the checks. I was calm and asked had he talked to J at the electric company and explained that he paid the bill. He said "no" some other guy. And I suggested that he go there (because he couldnt find the stub to tell whether it was his mistake or theirs). So he did and found out that he was $30 short and the guy there couldnt do a thing about the reconnect fee. H called me and told me, and I asked if he told them that the last mistake THEY made was to post my payment to the wrong account and it took a half hour on the phone and digging up cleared check to get it straight. He said he did, but that the manager would be there tomorrow.. he's go ahead and pay today. Asked about the checks again and I said "H, I know there's a need, but it's entirely your fault that I don't allow you access to checks unless I give them to you, so you'll have to handle it another way. He said "this isnt a time to make a point! I'll have to go all the way to the bank and back and only have 25 mins or we'll have to pay additional for reconnect after hours". I said "so be it.. you handle it, but I'm still not going to tell you where the checks are. I know it was an accident, but you did pay the bill short and now you're in a spot you're going to have to get out of yourself." He wasnt happy, but he said "fine!" I did it and wasnt angry at all.. just firm and reassuring that he could go to the bank and it would be OK.

I feel bad about it, but realize that it wasnt my fault and I dont need to give him access to my checks. He's the one that caused the mistrust, he's going to have to deal with it until he can earn that trust. And besides.. I remember a lesson we taught Matt three years ago. I was huge preg with Daniel and had asked him to drop the payment on his way to his friends house. Two weeks later they show up to disconnect and Matt said.. oops, I forgot, it's in my car (I had asked him previously and he said that yeah, he'd dropped it off). We gave them the payment bill, but had a $25 fee for them coming to the house.. H made Matt pay that fee to teach him not to say he'll do something and then not do it, and then say he did. We do have responsible kids so far.. even Brooke is very responsible and does what she's supposed to most of the time and why shouldnt H live by the rules too? He wasnt mad by the time I got home and I thanked him for calling me right away and taking care of it. The last time something like that happened he hid it from me. I felt bad for not helping because he did ask for my help and didnt hide it, but maybe he'll learn that I do have limits and he cant just push them out of the way because he has "extenuating circumstances".

He was in a good mood when I got home, still miffed at the electric company. D11 and I went downstairs to do a yoga tape. H and S2 joined us..a big surprise! We ended up laughing our butts off because H has never tried yoga at all and he was making comments and groaning sounds the whole time. He told me that he's proud of me sticking with going to the gym and encouraging D11 to be more active. I told her that I'm thinking about Karate and she said that she'd like to do it too. Then I started thinking (Bud, this is your doing I think!), about how when one person changes others might follow and how easily H came down to exercise when we asked him to join us. Then I thought.. hmm hmmm. could it be possible to encourage him to take better care of his health instead of pointing out that he doesnt? Maybe so. But then I'd have to commit to going that course and being a continuous positive influence wouldnt I? I actually think I get tired and flee back to our old cycles too.. I get weary and think gosh, I could just give up and it'd be OK.. I certainly have enough reasons and after all "he's NEVER going to change!", and if he does, we'll be back here in 5 anyway. I think while we're in limbo.. I'm going to challenge that and try to be a positive influence without expecting to be and see what happens. Instead of looking to where I want us to be and seeing that we're not there, or how far we need to go (and could we ever maintain that?!) and getting discouraged I'm truly going to try to be H's friend and see if me changing helps him to change. Even if it's over, it would be better to end it as friends because we're going to have to help each other because we have kids.

Im not so angry today. I've been having big anger issues lately. And I wonder at times if part of it is the company I keep. I have a close friend who is angry most of the time with her H.. unreasonably angry, but I think I'm beginning to pick that up from her too. I need to get that in check. My workouts are helping alot with the stress, and I'm finally to a place where I'll admit I'm angry and need to deal with it. So, we'll see.

Thanks for listening!

Sheila