Yesterday turned out to be a very good day. S19 hung around here all day and it's the first QT we've had since he moved back to school. His GF is usually in town on the same days so time alone with him isl hard to come by.. understandably!
Matt and I had a great, and lengthy talk yesterday before H came home. I might be strange, but it comforts me for him to be here. We are just so close. Not closer than my other kids.. but we are a lot alike I'd say and I don't have to explain much to him. He just gets it. Maybe because I was young and unmarried when I had him and we grew up together? Or maybe because he's my first grown child and I'm just seeing how it is to have a friendship with one of my children. We talked a long time about the sitch here. It's nice to discuss it with someone and them not take sides. My friends tend to take my side, and some of them H's because they see what a nice guy he is. I don't need to be placing blame right now. What we need is to decide how to move forward without being in such turmoil.
Convo started with Matt giving me a book he stayed up til 3AM reading. Electric God. He said there's something in it for me because the story kind of reminded him of his Dad and me, but much different. Different characters, but similar struggles. I started it last night.
I filled him in on what's been happening and how confused I am about what the right way is to handle it. He said that at this point, he agrees me and his Dad being together is unhealthy. We talked about that. We also talked about what a healthy R has to have. Good talk with my son because he and his GF have a pretty serious R, so he's starting to think about that in his life. He said that his opinion is that H needs to be on his own and learn to handle his life and probs and that I need some space to deal with mine too. That all our energy is going towards each other and not productively. Yep, he gets it. I kinda laughed because he said "Mom, I think you just need to live your life and stop worrying about Dad. Do what you want to do..be who you want to be and let him figure it out" Then we talked about how H and I get dragged into the dramas because we're right here together and I always take the bait. He said, well you need space. And then I expressed my concern that H can't take care of himself financially, and doesnt have the skills to be on his own. We agreed that it's time for him to learn the, or not, but that I can't make him. And, that I keep him from having to also. And I told S19 how afraid I am that H will be on his own and sit at home doing nothing and not having a life.. waiting because that's what he did when we D. It's worse this time because when we S in the spring, he did contemplate suicide. And the other side of that coin is I fear him going from R to R trying to find happiness. I don't want to go through that, or have the kids watch that either. Matt said he can see what I mean. And then said.. given that either solution, him being with you in the R right now, or being on his own are probably not good answers.. what does that leave? He said "Dad doesnt want to leave, I know that" Then he asked "what if he has separate space in the house for awhile? You guys live your lives, be parents and sort out your own stuff, but set up some rules and boundaries that will help keep it friendly until you can both see if you want to be together or not? That way Dad has us close by if he needs us, but you arent living his life either. Maybe you could work up a financial thing that he has to manage his own money and make his own decisions." I admitted to him that H hasnt been sleeping in our room, and said that at one point.. when he was first home, I'd thought about asking him if he wanted to set the family room downstairs up as a room for him. Maybe we could set up a schedule so he has his free days, I have mine, and we spend time together with the kids too. Not sure. I'll have to talk to H about it, but it would be better than him being banished to upstairs and us being in the same room festering like we are right now.
H came home and we discussed plans. He didnt know what he wants to do (usual), but looked very tired. S19 kept asking H for his opinion, but he wouldnt commit to anything. Then S19 said "Dad.. I can tell your tired, and dont want to commit you to more than you can physically handle right now, so help us out will ya!" H said "how about laying on the couch watching football?" and laughed. We all laughed at that. Then D11 suggested we do dinner and a movie. Something we used to do all the time on Sat evenings. We'd get a video and all cook together.. name the food to go with the movie like the show and then set up a buffet in the LR while we watched the movie. Everyone wanted to do that, but we couldnt agree on a movie. So, we ended up renting all the movies. Went shopping for the food and came home and cooked together. I was proud of H.. he helped us cook and made brocolli cheese soup. Didnt complain when the kids made a mess decorating sugar cookies and was just generally relaxed and nice. He asked a million times if Im OK, and got a little huffed with me at bedtime, but other than that, we had a great evening. Movies were mostly. We watched Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy.. was hard to get into, but got better, and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. D11 loved it.. cute movie. We still have Bewitched to watch because it got too late, and the boys have been watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl non-stop.
So, sometime soon I'm going to see if I can talk to H about making our separate spaces permanent and working out a schedule so we can both GAL, yet have time together with the kids. We just need a very big buffer zone between us right now I think. We spend too much time together and it's hard right now. I've decided to take up Karate and am going to check into that this week. Should be fun. We want to get the boys into it when they're ready.. and Matt loves it, so why not me too? D11 isnt interested because it'll make her sweat! Hopefully, Matt will talk H into getting his dive certification. It was something they were supposed to do together last spring, but H didnt do it. I even set up a spring break trip to FL for them over spring break, but H didnt get his cert, so they didnt go. Maybe he'll agree.. it's another thing he intends to do.. but hasnt made it happen.
mostly. We watched Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy.. was hard to get into, but got better, and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. D11 loved it.. cute movie. We still have Bewitched to watch because it got too late, and the boys have been watching Shark Boy and Lava Girl non-stop. 
Hopefully, Matt will talk H into getting his dive certification. It was something they were supposed to do together last spring, but H didnt do it. I even set up a spring break trip to FL for them over spring break, but H didnt get his cert, so they didnt go. Maybe he'll agree.. it's another thing he intends to do.. but hasnt made it happen. 
