Just thought of something I meant to say, at least so I remember the convo later! I had a talk with S19 about how things are going. I know how sad it'll make him if me and his Dad aren't together. He was right here with everyone trying to help get H on the right track this summer and handled it amazingly.. much better than most older men I know would have. We didnt drag him into this, but he did say that he didnt want us to treat him like a child and leave him out of what's going on either. When H wasn't living at home, I know he and S19 had many talks. Basically, S19 says that he reminded his Dad of the values he was raised with and that he wasnt living by them himself. Other than that, I think he's been a great source of unconditional love to H and he seems to be able to understand the torment that H has felt the last year and it's made them closer. They've always had a somewhat strained R until all of this. I used to think H was too hard on S19.. or too critical and expected too much, but now he's softened and Matt isn't the recipient of as many of H's passive agressive comments and criticisms.
So, we talked and I told him what's going on right now. I told him how strained things are and that I don't think I can do this much longer. He said he understood and I was relieved. Maybe it's because I've always preached that family is forever, but he's always been angry at me if I talked about giving up at all. I told him that this is taking its toll on me and he said he can tell. He also said that there's nothing I can do to get H to commit to counseling or changing and he sees that his attitude hasn't changed much. He said "Mom, only Dad and God have the power to change him" Then he said that he used to think about how much he hated coming between houses when we D and he didnt want his brothers and sister to go through that. But, he said if it means that they have two parents who are struggling to keep it together, that's worse. I asked him if it seems I'm struggling, and he said that I seem down to him the last couple of months and it's hard to see me sad. He said that even over the summer I seemed to bounce back after dealing with H and be my usual self around everyone else, but now I'm quieter and more withdrawn. I guess I can see that in myself too. I don't like it. I'm not as playful with the kids.. I'm more focused on what's wrong than what I can do about it. I seriously need to GAL and focus on me and my kids. We've always laughed so much together and we havent lately. I've always been thankful that my kids don't get on my nerves like I hear some of my friends say that they just need a break. I've never felt that way, but lately sometimes the demands of motherhood seem like a chore. I caught myself herding the boys to bed quickly last night and that's not good.. I usually relish that time with them, read and talk "gossip" and secrets with them. I miss that intimacy with my kids and I didnt even realize that's suffering until S19 said something and I just wanted the boys to get to bed so I could relax last night. So, a goal. Focus on the kids and rebuilding what we've lost the last few months. D11 seems a little stressed and down lately too.. I miss her giggles. Time for Mom to get off her butt and start acting like a blessed Momma again!

So.. I'm going to go play Mario Party with them right now.. get a shower and we're supposed to go do something when H gets home. Probably go see "Chicken Little". S19 stayed up until 3AM, so he's konked. The boys have been upstairs trying to get him to play.. but if two adorable ninja turtles cant get him outa bed, I might go and sing the wakeup song in a bit. Yeah, I still do that sometimes, but he doesn't seem to mind. Just thinking about it makes me determined to work on me and the kids getting to a happier place even if we can't take H with us right now.