I should probably move from piecing, but where do I go now?

Yesterday was better than the day before, but life has become surreal here. I'm doing OK emotionally, but struggling with the interactions with H. He called several times during the day. Was pleasant enough. It looks like he may finally get a new job. He got a call on a job that he'd given up on and it's one that he was really hoping for. They were having contract difficulties and had to wait to fill the position, but now they're ready. He has an interview Thurs, and if all goes well, they'll want him to start asap. I'm really praying that he gets this job. I think it's going to do so much to move him forward into a better place. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. He said it would be good for "all of us". Sigh... it will I guess because I'm ready to see him happy again. And maybe that'll give him the confidence to accept that our R is basically over.

I went to the gym with a friend after work. I'm LOVING my workouts now. H has had comments about it.. some positive, some negative. He seems suspicious or threatened by it.. just an edge in his voice when I say I'm going to work out. And he asked me if this BB is live chat. WTF?! Maybe he's thinking there's an OP involved in my detaching? Anyway... he called just as I finished at the gym and asked if he'd just passed me on the road. I said "no, I'm just getting dressed, I'll be home in 40 mins" Then we talked about meeting at McD's because we promised S5 we'd take him if he had a good week at school, and he did! Yay Ty!

I met them there and it seemed like we were going to have a good evening for once this week. I sat by D11 and H had the boys next to us. S2 was being a handfull and not eating, so I asked if I needed to move next to him. H said "no, I've got it, so D11 and I were just chatting" Everyone but S2 finished and wanted ice cream. We were waiting on him to get it and go to the playplace. H said "you could tell him he needs to be eating" I said... "OK". He said it a couple of times, as if I was ignoring S2, but I wasnt. I was trying to encourage him and H was reading a paper. I finally said to H, "how about you guys get your ice cream and go out, and we'll stay until he eats". Well, D11 and S5 thought I was talking to them so they tore across McD's to get their ice cream. H didnt like that and looked up from the paper. He said "who told them they could go?" I said "well, I said.. XXXX.... and you were ignoring me, but they werent so they took off" D11 returned about that time to see why H didnt follow, and he said "You can't just take off like that.. and you got MY butt chewed out, so thanks!" He said it pretty loudly. So I said "H, I wasnt chewing you out.. I'm sorry" He said something else and I just said "you know what? I'm not doing this right now. I'm going to leave before this gets ugly" And I did. He made a comment about me ignoring the kids as I left, but really, they were fine and he was the only one visibly upset.

They came home after awhile and the kids were happy. I asked H if we could talk. I said "hey, I know I was rude to say you were ignoring me when you probably just didnt hear me. But, with the comments about me encouraging S2, I felt like you were saying I wasn't handling getting him to eat right. Was that it?" He said "no, I'm sorry" I said "you said it a few times and I felt like you were saying I wasnt doing my job as a mother" He said "I know.. I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated" and I said "well, it was wrong of me to retaliate when you werent listening, but you were reading the paper, yet pretty much saying I wasnt taking care of S2. Then you very loudly got huffy with D11 when she did nothing. I can feel the irritation coming from you when we're together and it's hard. I never know what it is that's going to get a comment that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and it makes me angry because I'm trying here. I just can't do this all the time..try to spend time together as a family, but end up feeling like you're mad or me or the kids are doing something that's irritating you. Truthfully, if it has to be like this, I'd rather us just separate now and get it over with." It wasnt an argument at all. H said he was very angry when I left like that and not to do it again. I said that I didnt do it in an angry way, but that I'd continue to remove myself from situations that look like they're going somewhere bad. He stood up in the middle of McD's and spoke very loudly to D11 so that everyone looked and I just am not going to be a part of that. Maybe what we need to do is avoid doing stuff together until the emotions settle down a little. On one hand, I guess I acted like a child, but on the other, I didnt know what to do. I knew I couldnt stay there and be a part of that drama as it unfolded. And, the kids wanted to get ice cream and play. They didnt need me and H steaming at each other in the background. Not sure how I couldve handled it differently except I should've not said he was ignoring what I said. That was wrong, so I'll have to watch how I send the barbs back to him when I feel things getting tense or am faced with his comments. I need to let them roll off of my back. I know I'm a good Mom.. I shouldve ignored his comments about S2 eating.

S19 came home for the weekend, and it's wonderful for him to be here. I love that guy He's like a breath of fresh air to me. The boys smother him when he first gets in.. climbing on him and kissing him. I love to watch them together. S2 has been sad that Matt's gone and he doesn't really understand. He's been hugging and kissing the phone when he calls. We talked for a long time about an international volunteer program that he wants to participate in. It's expensive, but he wants to do it, and he's earned his own way through school so far with scholarships, so we owe him this much at least. Then H started talking about halloween stuff. Every year after halloween we hit the clearance racks and stock up on leftover stuff. We're not much to celebrate the holiday, but the kids LOVE to dress up in costumes (S19 helped the boys do a skit for us last night when he came it..was cute!). So, me, D11, and S19 decided we'd go to walmart after the boys went to bed and check it out. H just kept asking when we were leaving. We finally did. Was fun.. not as many costumes as usual, but we picked up a few costumes, and D11 and S19 bought wigs, makeup and bunches and bunches of stuff to decorate for a party next year. S19 bought a mullet wig.. TOO FUNNY. We stayed up and laughed and laughed last night. He said he's going to wear it to church Sunday when his GF is there and see if she recognizes him. He's a nut, but we have a very small church (no one will think anything about Matt acting goofy)and his GF will love it.

Back on track.. H was anxious for us to leave, and yes, it led to me snooping to figure out what he was up to. Seems he spent the time surfing classmates.com. Great. Surfed for people with the last name starting with M that graduated the year before him. Hmm.. I see where this is going.. or "who" this is going to. Ticks me off, but I shoudnt have snooped. I wish he could wait until he moves out to start looking up old GFs.. really. He told me that he got involved with OW because he's afraid of being alone. So, I imagine he'll try to not be alone when it comes time to move too. It makes me mad, but then I'm glad that I don't feel a need to start looking for someone to take his place. It also shows me how insecure he is and reinforces that he's with me because I'm the one that's here. I wonder if this is his MLC though. I've read the steps and it fits except he didnt have an A until things were so bad that I asked him to move out...then he slept with OW. And, he came back home pretty quickly, but I think only because that R ended and it left him alone. The whole cycle though smells like a MLC. It started when S19 went off to college and then H lost his job. He was angry and withdrawn.. depressed. He turned 40 and started talking about how he's a failure and getting old. And it would make sense why he's here saying one thing, but his actions say another. He give it half effort towards working on our R.. he gives a little effort.. says the right things, but cant make or maintain progress in our R.

Long post.. no progress. Mostly venting. I'm not looking forward to the possibility that H is going to find someone else to get involved with. It's just snooping paranoia maybe, and I deserve that for snooping. It still makes me uneasy. I do know that I'm not going to handle this that way. I'd love to be in a better R someday.. tomorrow if it was possible, but it's just not. I don't know of a man who'd take on a woman with 4 kids and this baggage. I couldnt imagine putting someone else through dealing with me right now until I have the knowledge and skills to contribute to a healthy R. I never, ever want to do this again...not like this. On one-hand I give myself a break and think I don't have problems in any other R in my life and that this is a reaction to all the lies, cheating and passive agressiveness that I've had to deal with. On the other, I see how I contribute to that. And, when we were divorced.. I started dating a guy who was different than H (was great at talking and sharing his feelings), but needed someone to take care of him and didnt give that in return. I fled out of that R as soon as I saw the pattern developing of me being the giver all the time. I would never have thought he was that way..so how did I sense that, and why do I pick needy guys to begin with? Not necessarily emotionally needy, but needing someone to do things for them that is over the top. I dated this guy and within the first two months, I had agreed to get with a realtor for him and found him a house to rent because he was on a long business trip and his apt lease was up while he was gone. I think about that and think??? why would I do that???!! Me and some mutual friends totally moved him too and cleaned his apt.. turned in the keys for him. And do you know what? I locked myself out of my car one day and he wouldnt even call a locksmith for me? Come to find out.. he's a taker. He works in my office and has had a co-workers shed filled with his stuff for three years now because he doesnt want to pay storage. Co-worker has since built another shed to hold his yard stuff. I should have saw that, and I didnt. Dont know how I'll ever trust my judgement again, but I do know that I have to get myself out of the caregiver mindset and learn how to set boundaries. I dont ever again want to be so enmeshed with someone that I try to control them, or take on their responsibilities.

Thanks for listening.