Okay, book recommendation number one (though I've made it before): see if you can find him a copy of _Wild at Heart_. Though now that I think of it, perhaps you already have. Yes, you've recommended this book before. I gave H the title, but haven't seen him with a copy. I could find it, but I'm not going to. We have the marriage builder books the we were "committed" to reading together and he fizzled out about week two. He has a Mighty Men book (very short) that the MC gave him to study.. no luck. A quick read through and a "I need to be doing this stuff" comment. He has to be searching for answers before he finds them, right? If he looks, he'll find them. If I give it to him, it's just another item on the list, another demand, another expectation he can't meet right now and info he isn't likely to process or apply. Thanks for the recommendation.. it gives me hope that there are men out there who actually read for knowledge and don't think they were born with everything they need to accept their pre-destined fate.
When Things Fall Apart_ and _The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times_ These, I'll look for. They sound very interesting and I've just finished my latest crime thriller.
What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eyes -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. Not as a way of solving problems....hmmmm... hmmmm... hmmmm. I gotta read this book. Because (and I appreciate the comment/complement you wrote) I do have a major problem with being able to face the fears, obstacles and be understanding how I contribute, but not reaching a point of solution. I certainly didnt realize that letting there be room for the not knowing.. allowing the limbo to be just limbo is important. Is this where I'll find that peace I'm looking for. And see.. look at the last sentence.. there's a solution there in my thinking... wanting to be assured that getting through the not knowing will lead to peace. I guess it actually could lead to a lot of things, couldnt it and I have no way of knowing what that'll be!
the off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. Gawd.. how did you find this book? Exactly what I'm afraid of, but know I have to embrace. And the words even speak to me.. tender, nonagressive. They are two things I've been thinking about lately.. how to express that and live that. Tender, quiet, gracious... it's who I am inside and what I try to protect. Real strength isnt the anger and control that tries to keep that from being damaged. Strength is putting those parts of me out there and trusting that I have the inner strength to maintain that in my life through understanding and compassion vs. anger, revenge and hatred. It's my response to the world that matters most and should define me, not the world's response to me that I respond to defensively, changing who I am without even giving it much thought. Because, aren't those defensive changes justified? The world handed me sh*t.. who would expect me to make anything else out of it? Dang.. not sure if I've had enough coffee to think about this!
To stay with that shakiness -- to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge -- that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic -- this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior. We catch ourselves one zillion times as once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation -- harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration. Not sure what I think of this in it's entirety. There are parts that I understand, but some of it... not sure. Is it saying we should accept, with an open heart, the truth of our life and catch ourself with compassion rather than letting ourselves become bitter, etc as a form of protection that isnt really protection because those truths continue to come whether we think we're adequately "armored" or not?
During the times in my M when I thought I didn't have to worry about W leaving, was I in limbo? I didn't think so, but it turns out I was. How many people on these boards who are DB'ing like champions just want their M's back like they were instead of this limbo of working on a M their partner is rejecting? But those M's back then were in limbo, too. The difference is now the limbo is obvious, real and true. And isn't it better to live in the truth? This is dead on what I posted before about being secure. And then realizing that the security was a myth all along because we're never secure.. it just helps us to be less afraid to believe in that. So, do we live in fear because we know we have no guarantees.. or do we live in freedom because we need no guarantees? I choose.. umm... gawd is is it possible that I've just been told that this sitch doesnt have to create FEAR.. it can creat an entirely new reaction to not knowing? Fear kinda.. but more exhilarating than that because looking to the future becomes a step in the journey.. not a destination that we're tied to whether we can accept it or not?
More coffee..and personal growth. I bet that short book is not as short as it looks!
Hey optimist! Share what you learn too? Isn't it hard to be patient with ourselves (and others) until we're ready to take on the next challenge?
Because when she started talking about fear, it was just too real. I couldn't do what she was talking about. I needed some kind of comfort, any comfort, real or imagined. Ya know.. we quit MC. I used the excuse that H isn't doing his part. He isn't.. but... the reason I was actually justifying - the MC kept harping on my anger.. kept pointing out how angry I was and wanted me to find the root causes of it, etc. It was just too soon after the bomb for me to be dealing with it effectively. Now that I've experienced my feelings, kinda understand them, and believe they aren't going to sweep me out to see.. I can find the root causes and work through that anger. He might as well have been stirring it with a stick at the time because there was no helping me with it until I could cope with my emotions.
Might should go back to C now. Not sure about alot and this is one of those things. I wasn't an anger hoarder before, and don't think I'll be after I heal awhile. I'm afraid focusing on it so much will make it "real", when I'm pretty comfortable dealing with "normal" life in a non-angry way. I told the C that I thought, under the circumstances that the depth of my anger was understandable and that didnt mean I had a general anger management problem. I kept saying I needed to be left alone and heal. H and the C were flipping out asking me not to end the R. I wish in retrospect that I had taken the time to have my emotions and heal and had given that gift to myself and not worried about how H or the C interpreted my actions. H coulda been working on himself and if he truly wanted to work things out, he'd have been around after I'd healed a little. As it is.. I'm having to heal a little at a time.. getting the scab picked.. it's probably going to be a longer process.
Let me know how it goes with the book Any more word from your H concerning the upcoming holidays?
(optimist2004) Anyway, I bought that book while I was feeling like this. But, I only got a chapter or so into it. Because when she started talking about fear, it was just too real. I couldn't do what she was talking about. I needed some kind of comfort, any comfort, real or imagined.
Oh yeah. In June and probably July I could not have handled this book. In August and probably September I might not have seen the value in it. Sometimes you just have to be ready for something for it to do you any good.
So, now I'm thinking I should pick that book back up.
Absolutely!
Not sure what I think of this in it's entirety. There are parts that I understand, but some of it... not sure. Is it saying we should accept, with an open heart, the truth of our life and catch ourself with compassion rather than letting ourselves become bitter, etc as a form of protection that isnt really protection because those truths continue to come whether we think we're adequately "armored" or not?
I think that's a pretty theoretical portion, but it's saying whenever we catch ourselves hardening into any position other than limbo, we need to compassionately catch ourselves and soften back up. Even if we "harden" into a sense of relief or inspiration, we're putting our spin on the situation instead of just allowing it to be.
Which is fine and dandy, but at some point we have to make decisions in our lives, so we have to harden a little bit. The author talks about some decisions she's made in her life, so it's not like she's advocating just floating around in limbo constantly, accepting what is. But I think she's advocating doing that as much as we can, because it's the truth. It's like, if you decide to change jobs, you've hardened to the point where you've looked into the unknowable future and decided the new job will be better than the old. But you don't know...you're in limbo. So once the decision has been made, soften back up and accept it. The change may or may not be better for you, but it's your path now.
Maybe another good example would be the WAS. They hardened to the point they decided they couldn't be successful while remaining in their M. And probably many of them were right about that. But wouldn't they be well served after walking away to soften again, to not convince themselves that what they're doing is the only possible way, to allow themselves a little time in limbo? They can keep walking if that's their path, but do they have to burn every bridge they cross? Maybe the LBS will change enough to support a working R, and maybe a softer WAS will be able to see that some of their unhappiness was of their own making and not the fault of the LBS.
It could also be that a softened WAS will see all those things as they are and still determine an R with the LBS won't work, and that's fair enough. But staying hardened in order to escape limbo doesn't seem to serve their best interests.
The same could apply to the LBS when and if they determine that they can't try any more. Fine, then stop trying. But don't salve the pain by then hardening, seeing everything bad about the WAS, becoming bitter and burning bridges. Just accept that you're moving on and floating away from the WAS and you don't know where the floating will end up.
Good in theory, tough in practice. But hardening and pushing things in only one direction ends up being tough a lot of time, too, I think.
Your comments about MC seemed like a blinding revelation to me. W ended our MC and our Retrouvaille attempt for similar reasons, but I think now the underlying cause is that she wasn't able to deal with her anger toward me. And she doesn't have anger just toward me, she has lots of anger toward her parents, her sisters, one of her brothers and any number of men in her life. And she simply has no method of coping with it. Man, that's scary. She's trying to work some of it out now with meditation and journaling, so maybe she'll get there eventually.
And that thought leaves me in limbo. Do I just decide nothing can possibly work between us because of how she is with her anger, or do I decide she might work this through and be a positive force in the lives of me and the boys? Or do I not harden into either of those positions? Maybe I need to read a few more chapters...
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Thanks much for explaining about catching ourselves compassionately instead of hardening. That makes much more sense to me now!
Good in theory, tough in practice. But hardening and pushing things in only one direction ends up being tough a lot of time, too, I think. Especially hard when the pushing creates so much resistance!
And that thought leaves me in limbo. Do I just decide nothing can possibly work between us because of how she is with her anger, or do I decide she might work this through and be a positive force in the lives of me and the boys? Or do I not harden into either of those positions? Maybe I need to read a few more chapters... And here is the bummer.. eventually there has to be a solution and a decision. I feel so much in the same way.. do I decide that H might eventually get a clue and be a positive force in our life.. or do I move on? I think the answer is in that limbo.. to live our lives as we would live them and live them truthfully. For me right now it means accepting the frustration that we havent talked about anything productive in days and it's not likely to happen in more days either. Because, I'm not going to push and harden us in the same direction in order to feel like we're making progress towards a resolution. I have to exist here where I'm doing positive things in my life and accept that H may or may not be on the same course. When the time comes that my life takes me in a direction that I MUST have closure in our R one way or another, it'll be clear then. I tell myself I have to have it one way or another so that I can be secure and work toward an outcome in our R. If we start working again.. it's still not security that it WILL work out. If I don't, I can't even be secure now that it won't and I'll be able to move on because I can't predict the future. I can't even predict how I'd feel if I did give up and move on and then H changed. It's happened in the past.. I was SURE our R was over, yet surprised that it demanded another try.
I look at you and think "gosh, I want to be where he is mentally right now" I want to be able to not know and not lose my mind over it wanting to know NOW. Then I hear your questions about your W and realize how strong you are to be where you are and make it every day. I know the answers are there for you and that you'll find them and work through it with the same grace you have all along.
Like my H, she's going to have to face her demons in some shape or form.. deal with them and make progress at overcoming, or wallow and live this reality forever. It sounds like she's working on progress. The question is are you going to be around by the time she gets "there"? You're correct.. choosing the course now is a hardening by the definition above. It's in the floating that the answers evolve naturally?
Well I re-read the first three chapters of "When Things Fall Apart." I was right, I am so much more able to use what she has to say now. Interestingly, she talks about a state of "groundlessness," and it is so dead on with my astronaught image. I was saying, "that's it, that's exactly it." And then she says that this state of groundlessness or shakiness, this state of being on the brink of the unknown, is a place you want to STAY. Embrace it don't run away from it.
Because, basically, you are always in this place, you just hide from that fact sometimes and THINK everything is stable.
It's starting to sink in. I need more on the benefits of embracing it versus running from it. In theory, it sounds noble, the courageous thing to do. But, in practice...
The other thing she says that I'm grateful for is that you are constantly relearning the same lessons. Whew! what a load of my back. I thought I was just an idiot. "Haven't I made this mistake before? How can I be so stupid to do this again?"
Anyway, piglet, I hope you picked up the book! You asked if I had anymore news about H visiting for Thanksgiving. I talked to him over the phone for the first time in a long time this past week. The only news is that his leave may be canceled. But, I knew that would probably come up as a possibility sooner or later. Always does.
For me right now it means accepting the frustration that we havent talked about anything productive in days and it's not likely to happen in more days either. Because, I'm not going to push and harden us in the same direction in order to feel like we're making progress towards a resolution. Did I actually say this? Yeah right.. it IS easier said than done. Of course we were pushed in the usual direction and had an unproductive conversation last night! I did see during it how it wasn't going to help the sitch and is making things worse even. It wasn't me pushing for the convo, or H, it was a combination of both. How we think we can discuss anything at the moment, I don't know. After the discussion I'm even more convinced that we're not going to fix things. There's just too much to fix. I was very sad after H went to bed. I let myself accept how broken we are and cried awhile. It brought up so many emotions I didnt expect. I didnt realize how much of a failure I feel like and how much I feel like I've let everyone down. How much I've been holding on to everyone's expectations that I'll stick with this and see it through and now realize that I can't do that. It's destroying me to stay with this R and keep trying. I'm just not that strong. I feel guilty for not being strong enough to keep trying.. feel awful to admit that I don't have the answers or the cure here. I also thought about how angry it makes me that the expectation is there from others that I'll keep working on this no matter what. It's like I don't have a right to my life.. I'm expected to stay in this unhealthy R because H is in it, the kids are in it and since they want to keep it.. I must follow through no matter the cost to me.
I told H that I love him and I care about him, but it's hard for me to do that actively right now. Any time I'm caring or loving right now, he assumes that means I want to continue our R and M and fix it. I don't. I can't see that happening.. it might in the DISTANT future, but right now it's impossible for me and I dont know what would change that. I told him as long as me being his friend and caring for him drags me back into the drama in his mind, I'll keep being angry and pushing him away just to prove that I'm serious about not having the strength to continue. It was the only progress we made last night. He said that he can understand what I'm saying and how much he's pressuring me to give what I cant. I mean.. he's not even able to hold up his end and has checked out emotionally... but is angry that I'm checking out too, but since I'm acknowledging that I'm doing that, it makes me the bad guy. I told him that it's the same.. I just choose to admit my defeat.. he chooses to exhibit it through his actions. He can "say" he's committed all he wants to, but unless he acts committed, he isnt. I can act committed, but if my heart isn't in it, it's a lie too.
Anyway.. down day today. But, maybe we can cohabitate without it being a warzone every day. If it has to be that way, I'll move me and the kids.. I just can't do it anymore. I'd rather us take our time and transition out of this R in a friendly way.. so I hope he cooperates to keep the peace.
You have to balance what's best for you and your family. How is anyone but you to know where that balance is? I don't think it's ever as simple as "you have to take care of you first" or "you have to sacrafice for the family."
Quote: I also thought about how angry it makes me that the expectation is there from others that I'll keep working on this no matter what. It's like I don't have a right to my life.. I'm expected to stay in this unhealthy R because H is in it, the kids are in it and since they want to keep it.. I must follow through no matter the cost to me.
Not that it matters what my expectations are...but I expect that you (and everyone else in a similar sitch) who has any serious drive to live a happy life would eventually come to the place where they can no longer subordinate themselves to the fight for the R.
That's what DBing is about, essentially I think. Your ego and your needs must be put aside. You must not have needs of your own, but must meet your mates needs...until the point where they are committed again. The DR book doesn't talk a lot about that point where the WAS has recommitted. What if they've only recommitted in words or in their mear presence. What if they refuse to take responsibility for 100% of their 50% of the R. How long do you go on sacraficing your needs? I know GAL is in there. But, GAL and taking care of yourself may begin to conflict with H's needs. Then what?
And I think it takes a long time for people like us who have always been committed to a healthy R to make the decision to move on and stop trying. Even when we make the decision once, we remake it. I think it sometimes takes many pre-decisions to get to the final decision. Actually, there probably isn't a final decision. Because, as we know, our lives are in a constant state of transition. Nothing is forever.
That's enough rambling for now. Just wanted to send supportive thougts your way. You can rest assured that what ever "decisions" you make will not be foolish or made with lack of thought.
That's what DBing is about, essentially I think. Your ego and your needs must be put aside. You must not have needs of your own, but must meet your mates needs...until the point where they are committed again. Ahhh.. this is definately where I go wrong. Putting H's needs before mine was what brought him back home. I guess the concept is if we start meeting their needs, they'll want to meet ours. H wants to meet my needs.. he's shown me that. It seems so insane that we could divorce, reconcile into a wonderful life together and then end up here again. I've wracked my brain over this, wondering if it really wasnt that wonderful and I was in denial. But for me, it truly was. Unfortunately, I think H was stuffing a lot of feelings from the divorce and while I was moving on, healing and thriving in our new R.. he was on a slow simmer.
And I think it takes a long time for people like us who have always been committed to a healthy R to make the decision to move on and stop trying. Even when we make the decision once, we remake it. I think it sometimes takes many pre-decisions to get to the final decision. Actually, there probably isn't a final decision. Because, as we know, our lives are in a constant state of transition. Nothing is forever. I like this! It makes sense out of a process that is full of confusion. I call it waffling.. but your right. I make and re-make the decision. Looking at it that way makes it reasonable. Who would make a decision like this without leaving room for hope and closing each door in the R gradually until only the exit is left. I think I'll try to mentally picture that and see if it helps. The way I've been thinking.. it's like we're tearing apart our life. That's not a good mental picture.. I'd much rather think of us gently closing a door and moving forward.
Love the rambling optimist! Thanks for the supportive thoughts.. they help!
I should probably move from piecing, but where do I go now?
Yesterday was better than the day before, but life has become surreal here. I'm doing OK emotionally, but struggling with the interactions with H. He called several times during the day. Was pleasant enough. It looks like he may finally get a new job. He got a call on a job that he'd given up on and it's one that he was really hoping for. They were having contract difficulties and had to wait to fill the position, but now they're ready. He has an interview Thurs, and if all goes well, they'll want him to start asap. I'm really praying that he gets this job. I think it's going to do so much to move him forward into a better place. I could hear it in his voice on the phone. He said it would be good for "all of us". Sigh... it will I guess because I'm ready to see him happy again. And maybe that'll give him the confidence to accept that our R is basically over.
I went to the gym with a friend after work. I'm LOVING my workouts now. H has had comments about it.. some positive, some negative. He seems suspicious or threatened by it.. just an edge in his voice when I say I'm going to work out. And he asked me if this BB is live chat. WTF?! Maybe he's thinking there's an OP involved in my detaching? Anyway... he called just as I finished at the gym and asked if he'd just passed me on the road. I said "no, I'm just getting dressed, I'll be home in 40 mins" Then we talked about meeting at McD's because we promised S5 we'd take him if he had a good week at school, and he did! Yay Ty!
I met them there and it seemed like we were going to have a good evening for once this week. I sat by D11 and H had the boys next to us. S2 was being a handfull and not eating, so I asked if I needed to move next to him. H said "no, I've got it, so D11 and I were just chatting" Everyone but S2 finished and wanted ice cream. We were waiting on him to get it and go to the playplace. H said "you could tell him he needs to be eating" I said... "OK". He said it a couple of times, as if I was ignoring S2, but I wasnt. I was trying to encourage him and H was reading a paper. I finally said to H, "how about you guys get your ice cream and go out, and we'll stay until he eats". Well, D11 and S5 thought I was talking to them so they tore across McD's to get their ice cream. H didnt like that and looked up from the paper. He said "who told them they could go?" I said "well, I said.. XXXX.... and you were ignoring me, but they werent so they took off" D11 returned about that time to see why H didnt follow, and he said "You can't just take off like that.. and you got MY butt chewed out, so thanks!" He said it pretty loudly. So I said "H, I wasnt chewing you out.. I'm sorry" He said something else and I just said "you know what? I'm not doing this right now. I'm going to leave before this gets ugly" And I did. He made a comment about me ignoring the kids as I left, but really, they were fine and he was the only one visibly upset.
They came home after awhile and the kids were happy. I asked H if we could talk. I said "hey, I know I was rude to say you were ignoring me when you probably just didnt hear me. But, with the comments about me encouraging S2, I felt like you were saying I wasn't handling getting him to eat right. Was that it?" He said "no, I'm sorry" I said "you said it a few times and I felt like you were saying I wasnt doing my job as a mother" He said "I know.. I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated" and I said "well, it was wrong of me to retaliate when you werent listening, but you were reading the paper, yet pretty much saying I wasnt taking care of S2. Then you very loudly got huffy with D11 when she did nothing. I can feel the irritation coming from you when we're together and it's hard. I never know what it is that's going to get a comment that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and it makes me angry because I'm trying here. I just can't do this all the time..try to spend time together as a family, but end up feeling like you're mad or me or the kids are doing something that's irritating you. Truthfully, if it has to be like this, I'd rather us just separate now and get it over with." It wasnt an argument at all. H said he was very angry when I left like that and not to do it again. I said that I didnt do it in an angry way, but that I'd continue to remove myself from situations that look like they're going somewhere bad. He stood up in the middle of McD's and spoke very loudly to D11 so that everyone looked and I just am not going to be a part of that. Maybe what we need to do is avoid doing stuff together until the emotions settle down a little. On one hand, I guess I acted like a child, but on the other, I didnt know what to do. I knew I couldnt stay there and be a part of that drama as it unfolded. And, the kids wanted to get ice cream and play. They didnt need me and H steaming at each other in the background. Not sure how I couldve handled it differently except I should've not said he was ignoring what I said. That was wrong, so I'll have to watch how I send the barbs back to him when I feel things getting tense or am faced with his comments. I need to let them roll off of my back. I know I'm a good Mom.. I shouldve ignored his comments about S2 eating.
S19 came home for the weekend, and it's wonderful for him to be here. I love that guy He's like a breath of fresh air to me. The boys smother him when he first gets in.. climbing on him and kissing him. I love to watch them together. S2 has been sad that Matt's gone and he doesn't really understand. He's been hugging and kissing the phone when he calls. We talked for a long time about an international volunteer program that he wants to participate in. It's expensive, but he wants to do it, and he's earned his own way through school so far with scholarships, so we owe him this much at least. Then H started talking about halloween stuff. Every year after halloween we hit the clearance racks and stock up on leftover stuff. We're not much to celebrate the holiday, but the kids LOVE to dress up in costumes (S19 helped the boys do a skit for us last night when he came it..was cute!). So, me, D11, and S19 decided we'd go to walmart after the boys went to bed and check it out. H just kept asking when we were leaving. We finally did. Was fun.. not as many costumes as usual, but we picked up a few costumes, and D11 and S19 bought wigs, makeup and bunches and bunches of stuff to decorate for a party next year. S19 bought a mullet wig.. TOO FUNNY. We stayed up and laughed and laughed last night. He said he's going to wear it to church Sunday when his GF is there and see if she recognizes him. He's a nut, but we have a very small church (no one will think anything about Matt acting goofy)and his GF will love it.
Back on track.. H was anxious for us to leave, and yes, it led to me snooping to figure out what he was up to. Seems he spent the time surfing classmates.com. Great. Surfed for people with the last name starting with M that graduated the year before him. Hmm.. I see where this is going.. or "who" this is going to. Ticks me off, but I shoudnt have snooped. I wish he could wait until he moves out to start looking up old GFs.. really. He told me that he got involved with OW because he's afraid of being alone. So, I imagine he'll try to not be alone when it comes time to move too. It makes me mad, but then I'm glad that I don't feel a need to start looking for someone to take his place. It also shows me how insecure he is and reinforces that he's with me because I'm the one that's here. I wonder if this is his MLC though. I've read the steps and it fits except he didnt have an A until things were so bad that I asked him to move out...then he slept with OW. And, he came back home pretty quickly, but I think only because that R ended and it left him alone. The whole cycle though smells like a MLC. It started when S19 went off to college and then H lost his job. He was angry and withdrawn.. depressed. He turned 40 and started talking about how he's a failure and getting old. And it would make sense why he's here saying one thing, but his actions say another. He give it half effort towards working on our R.. he gives a little effort.. says the right things, but cant make or maintain progress in our R.
Long post.. no progress. Mostly venting. I'm not looking forward to the possibility that H is going to find someone else to get involved with. It's just snooping paranoia maybe, and I deserve that for snooping. It still makes me uneasy. I do know that I'm not going to handle this that way. I'd love to be in a better R someday.. tomorrow if it was possible, but it's just not. I don't know of a man who'd take on a woman with 4 kids and this baggage. I couldnt imagine putting someone else through dealing with me right now until I have the knowledge and skills to contribute to a healthy R. I never, ever want to do this again...not like this. On one-hand I give myself a break and think I don't have problems in any other R in my life and that this is a reaction to all the lies, cheating and passive agressiveness that I've had to deal with. On the other, I see how I contribute to that. And, when we were divorced.. I started dating a guy who was different than H (was great at talking and sharing his feelings), but needed someone to take care of him and didnt give that in return. I fled out of that R as soon as I saw the pattern developing of me being the giver all the time. I would never have thought he was that way..so how did I sense that, and why do I pick needy guys to begin with? Not necessarily emotionally needy, but needing someone to do things for them that is over the top. I dated this guy and within the first two months, I had agreed to get with a realtor for him and found him a house to rent because he was on a long business trip and his apt lease was up while he was gone. I think about that and think??? why would I do that???!! Me and some mutual friends totally moved him too and cleaned his apt.. turned in the keys for him. And do you know what? I locked myself out of my car one day and he wouldnt even call a locksmith for me? Come to find out.. he's a taker. He works in my office and has had a co-workers shed filled with his stuff for three years now because he doesnt want to pay storage. Co-worker has since built another shed to hold his yard stuff. I should have saw that, and I didnt. Dont know how I'll ever trust my judgement again, but I do know that I have to get myself out of the caregiver mindset and learn how to set boundaries. I dont ever again want to be so enmeshed with someone that I try to control them, or take on their responsibilities.
Just thought of something I meant to say, at least so I remember the convo later! I had a talk with S19 about how things are going. I know how sad it'll make him if me and his Dad aren't together. He was right here with everyone trying to help get H on the right track this summer and handled it amazingly.. much better than most older men I know would have. We didnt drag him into this, but he did say that he didnt want us to treat him like a child and leave him out of what's going on either. When H wasn't living at home, I know he and S19 had many talks. Basically, S19 says that he reminded his Dad of the values he was raised with and that he wasnt living by them himself. Other than that, I think he's been a great source of unconditional love to H and he seems to be able to understand the torment that H has felt the last year and it's made them closer. They've always had a somewhat strained R until all of this. I used to think H was too hard on S19.. or too critical and expected too much, but now he's softened and Matt isn't the recipient of as many of H's passive agressive comments and criticisms. So, we talked and I told him what's going on right now. I told him how strained things are and that I don't think I can do this much longer. He said he understood and I was relieved. Maybe it's because I've always preached that family is forever, but he's always been angry at me if I talked about giving up at all. I told him that this is taking its toll on me and he said he can tell. He also said that there's nothing I can do to get H to commit to counseling or changing and he sees that his attitude hasn't changed much. He said "Mom, only Dad and God have the power to change him" Then he said that he used to think about how much he hated coming between houses when we D and he didnt want his brothers and sister to go through that. But, he said if it means that they have two parents who are struggling to keep it together, that's worse. I asked him if it seems I'm struggling, and he said that I seem down to him the last couple of months and it's hard to see me sad. He said that even over the summer I seemed to bounce back after dealing with H and be my usual self around everyone else, but now I'm quieter and more withdrawn. I guess I can see that in myself too. I don't like it. I'm not as playful with the kids.. I'm more focused on what's wrong than what I can do about it. I seriously need to GAL and focus on me and my kids. We've always laughed so much together and we havent lately. I've always been thankful that my kids don't get on my nerves like I hear some of my friends say that they just need a break. I've never felt that way, but lately sometimes the demands of motherhood seem like a chore. I caught myself herding the boys to bed quickly last night and that's not good.. I usually relish that time with them, read and talk "gossip" and secrets with them. I miss that intimacy with my kids and I didnt even realize that's suffering until S19 said something and I just wanted the boys to get to bed so I could relax last night. So, a goal. Focus on the kids and rebuilding what we've lost the last few months. D11 seems a little stressed and down lately too.. I miss her giggles. Time for Mom to get off her butt and start acting like a blessed Momma again!
So.. I'm going to go play Mario Party with them right now.. get a shower and we're supposed to go do something when H gets home. Probably go see "Chicken Little". S19 stayed up until 3AM, so he's konked. The boys have been upstairs trying to get him to play.. but if two adorable ninja turtles cant get him outa bed, I might go and sing the wakeup song in a bit. Yeah, I still do that sometimes, but he doesn't seem to mind. Just thinking about it makes me determined to work on me and the kids getting to a happier place even if we can't take H with us right now.
