For me right now it means accepting the frustration that we havent talked about anything productive in days and it's not likely to happen in more days either. Because, I'm not going to push and harden us in the same direction in order to feel like we're making progress towards a resolution. Did I actually say this? Yeah right.. it IS easier said than done. Of course we were pushed in the usual direction and had an unproductive conversation last night! I did see during it how it wasn't going to help the sitch and is making things worse even. It wasn't me pushing for the convo, or H, it was a combination of both. How we think we can discuss anything at the moment, I don't know. After the discussion I'm even more convinced that we're not going to fix things. There's just too much to fix. I was very sad after H went to bed. I let myself accept how broken we are and cried awhile. It brought up so many emotions I didnt expect. I didnt realize how much of a failure I feel like and how much I feel like I've let everyone down. How much I've been holding on to everyone's expectations that I'll stick with this and see it through and now realize that I can't do that. It's destroying me to stay with this R and keep trying. I'm just not that strong. I feel guilty for not being strong enough to keep trying.. feel awful to admit that I don't have the answers or the cure here. I also thought about how angry it makes me that the expectation is there from others that I'll keep working on this no matter what. It's like I don't have a right to my life.. I'm expected to stay in this unhealthy R because H is in it, the kids are in it and since they want to keep it.. I must follow through no matter the cost to me.
I told H that I love him and I care about him, but it's hard for me to do that actively right now. Any time I'm caring or loving right now, he assumes that means I want to continue our R and M and fix it. I don't. I can't see that happening.. it might in the DISTANT future, but right now it's impossible for me and I dont know what would change that. I told him as long as me being his friend and caring for him drags me back into the drama in his mind, I'll keep being angry and pushing him away just to prove that I'm serious about not having the strength to continue. It was the only progress we made last night. He said that he can understand what I'm saying and how much he's pressuring me to give what I cant. I mean.. he's not even able to hold up his end and has checked out emotionally... but is angry that I'm checking out too, but since I'm acknowledging that I'm doing that, it makes me the bad guy. I told him that it's the same.. I just choose to admit my defeat.. he chooses to exhibit it through his actions. He can "say" he's committed all he wants to, but unless he acts committed, he isnt. I can act committed, but if my heart isn't in it, it's a lie too.
Anyway.. down day today. But, maybe we can cohabitate without it being a warzone every day. If it has to be that way, I'll move me and the kids.. I just can't do it anymore. I'd rather us take our time and transition out of this R in a friendly way.. so I hope he cooperates to keep the peace.
