Thanks much for explaining about catching ourselves compassionately instead of hardening. That makes much more sense to me now!
Good in theory, tough in practice. But hardening and pushing things in only one direction ends up being tough a lot of time, too, I think. Especially hard when the pushing creates so much resistance!
And that thought leaves me in limbo. Do I just decide nothing can possibly work between us because of how she is with her anger, or do I decide she might work this through and be a positive force in the lives of me and the boys? Or do I not harden into either of those positions? Maybe I need to read a few more chapters... And here is the bummer.. eventually there has to be a solution and a decision. I feel so much in the same way.. do I decide that H might eventually get a clue and be a positive force in our life.. or do I move on? I think the answer is in that limbo.. to live our lives as we would live them and live them truthfully. For me right now it means accepting the frustration that we havent talked about anything productive in days and it's not likely to happen in more days either. Because, I'm not going to push and harden us in the same direction in order to feel like we're making progress towards a resolution. I have to exist here where I'm doing positive things in my life and accept that H may or may not be on the same course. When the time comes that my life takes me in a direction that I MUST have closure in our R one way or another, it'll be clear then. I tell myself I have to have it one way or another so that I can be secure and work toward an outcome in our R. If we start working again.. it's still not security that it WILL work out. If I don't, I can't even be secure now that it won't and I'll be able to move on because I can't predict the future. I can't even predict how I'd feel if I did give up and move on and then H changed. It's happened in the past.. I was SURE our R was over, yet surprised that it demanded another try.
I look at you and think "gosh, I want to be where he is mentally right now" I want to be able to not know and not lose my mind over it wanting to know NOW. Then I hear your questions about your W and realize how strong you are to be where you are and make it every day. I know the answers are there for you and that you'll find them and work through it with the same grace you have all along.
Like my H, she's going to have to face her demons in some shape or form.. deal with them and make progress at overcoming, or wallow and live this reality forever. It sounds like she's working on progress. The question is are you going to be around by the time she gets "there"? You're correct.. choosing the course now is a hardening by the definition above. It's in the floating that the answers evolve naturally?
