The Long Haul

[Burgbud]

(optimist2004) Anyway, I bought that book while I was feeling like this. But, I only got a chapter or so into it. Because when she started talking about fear, it was just too real. I couldn't do what she was talking about. I needed some kind of comfort, any comfort, real or imagined.

Oh yeah. In June and probably July I could not have handled this book. In August and probably September I might not have seen the value in it. Sometimes you just have to be ready for something for it to do you any good.


So, now I'm thinking I should pick that book back up.

Absolutely!


Not sure what I think of this in it's entirety. There are parts that I understand, but some of it... not sure. Is it saying we should accept, with an open heart, the truth of our life and catch ourself with compassion rather than letting ourselves become bitter, etc as a form of protection that isnt really protection because those truths continue to come whether we think we're adequately "armored" or not?

I think that's a pretty theoretical portion, but it's saying whenever we catch ourselves hardening into any position other than limbo, we need to compassionately catch ourselves and soften back up. Even if we "harden" into a sense of relief or inspiration, we're putting our spin on the situation instead of just allowing it to be.

Which is fine and dandy, but at some point we have to make decisions in our lives, so we have to harden a little bit. The author talks about some decisions she's made in her life, so it's not like she's advocating just floating around in limbo constantly, accepting what is. But I think she's advocating doing that as much as we can, because it's the truth. It's like, if you decide to change jobs, you've hardened to the point where you've looked into the unknowable future and decided the new job will be better than the old. But you don't know...you're in limbo. So once the decision has been made, soften back up and accept it. The change may or may not be better for you, but it's your path now.

Maybe another good example would be the WAS. They hardened to the point they decided they couldn't be successful while remaining in their M. And probably many of them were right about that. But wouldn't they be well served after walking away to soften again, to not convince themselves that what they're doing is the only possible way, to allow themselves a little time in limbo? They can keep walking if that's their path, but do they have to burn every bridge they cross? Maybe the LBS will change enough to support a working R, and maybe a softer WAS will be able to see that some of their unhappiness was of their own making and not the fault of the LBS.

It could also be that a softened WAS will see all those things as they are and still determine an R with the LBS won't work, and that's fair enough. But staying hardened in order to escape limbo doesn't seem to serve their best interests.

The same could apply to the LBS when and if they determine that they can't try any more. Fine, then stop trying. But don't salve the pain by then hardening, seeing everything bad about the WAS, becoming bitter and burning bridges. Just accept that you're moving on and floating away from the WAS and you don't know where the floating will end up.

Good in theory, tough in practice. But hardening and pushing things in only one direction ends up being tough a lot of time, too, I think.

Your comments about MC seemed like a blinding revelation to me. W ended our MC and our Retrouvaille attempt for similar reasons, but I think now the underlying cause is that she wasn't able to deal with her anger toward me. And she doesn't have anger just toward me, she has lots of anger toward her parents, her sisters, one of her brothers and any number of men in her life. And she simply has no method of coping with it. Man, that's scary. She's trying to work some of it out now with meditation and journaling, so maybe she'll get there eventually.

And that thought leaves me in limbo. Do I just decide nothing can possibly work between us because of how she is with her anger, or do I decide she might work this through and be a positive force in the lives of me and the boys? Or do I not harden into either of those positions? Maybe I need to read a few more chapters...