Bud,

So much to say about this post and to think about. Mostly, thanks for taking the time to write it and share. And yes, I agree about being at the right time and right place to come across something and learn from it. The limbo thing.. exactly. I was thinking earlier after I posted how I clung/cling to that security and it's a myth that I've let myself believe and be comfortable with. It goes along with the frustration and anger.. the trying to control/aaack help when in the end, the feeling of control is a myth too. I feel strength, but really, no matter how angry I get with H or how much I try to take the reins, in the end, the hurt will be absolutely the same when the efforts are unsuccessful.. I just kid myself into thinking I'm "doing" something that will result in a change for the better.. surely it will wont it? If I give it one more try.. a little more effort.. I can do this. Won't it be easier than facing disappointment if I dont? All lies.

I'm so glad you posted this. I've been arguing with myself for 45 mins. H made mention of how hard it is for him to go to bed upstairs and not with me. He said he loves me and that he's going to get his medicine straight, and asked is there anything he can do for me. (he's told me that 5 times today) After an hour in the LR in absolute silence together.. he asks for a hug and then quizzes me on what I'm thinking/what I want to say. I looked at him for a long long time thinking "gosh, I don't know you.. not really.. not what goes on inside you. I could write a book on how you'll act next, but have no idea of what you're feeling right now, although you just told me. And I don't even know what that means "hard to go upstairs and not go to bed with you." Is there a feeling there? Said so matter of factly without emotion. And what does "can I do anything for you mean"? Anyway... I said "there really isn't much to say". And we went our separate ways. And I laid in bed fighting with myself about going upstairs and trying to figure out what those few words between us meant. He was reaching out obviously. But for what? A return to normal maybe? Don't know, not important probably. Except that as much as I know his next move, he knows mine too. Both stubbornly set on the same course, interacting the same ways. So, I stopped myself and didnt go upstairs. There was no reason to and I've been sitting here thinking about what I want. Trying to put H as far away from my mind, yet allow him there if that makes sense.. taking out assumptions maybe? What I want is a healthy R. What I need for us to ever be a "couple" again is for a lot to change. Nothing has changed, and yet I almost trekked upstairs for a convo that would have inevitably led to him sleeping in my bed and things gradually returning to normal. And I don't need changes just from him. I need to change myself too. I need to realize that I can have needs and want certain qualities in a mate. I can not be with someone who didnt pay their taxes last year because it's wrong.. and I'm allowed to recognize that him not working towards are goals consciously will mean that we'll never reach them as a couple. It's OK for that not to be all right with me.. and it's also OK for me to wait and see if he gets there. And if he doesn't.. it's OK for me to dream of the person who might want to have that R with me.. when I'm ready.. in a bazillion years... when I can let someone in my life without feeling like I have to guard the fort of my heart. I really like this person who can look at H and consider him.. without judgement, but with wondering knowing that every thing he does or doesnt do does not have to impact my life. I've let my mind wander to time.. and the pressure that might come as this unfolds and frustrations mount. The question is if I'll let him drag me back to a place where I feel a need to control, or if I'll continue until I'm comfortable waiting and being assured that I AM in control of my life whatever the next step is. Control of how I deal with things I have no control over..if that makes sense. Being aware that my future choices don't have to fit in someone else's script, they just have to be a clear reflection of who I am and who I become.

Was supposed to be short post And much rambling, but I'm looking forward to re-reading what you wrote and thinking on it tomorrow.

Thanks again!

Sheila