It's always something with these damb lotteries, isn't it?
I can't be in the R he wants right now because it's so unhealthy and destructive, but distancing myself from him sends such a message of rejection. I wish he could take a step back and work on him and worry about himself for awhile.
Okay, book recommendation number one (though I've made it before): see if you can find him a copy of _Wild at Heart_. Though now that I think of it, perhaps you already have.
This limbo with H also takes me away from the security of having it one way or the other. I'm trying to focus on the challenge and grow through this.. if nothing else, I might learn that I'll be OK on the other side of a situation where I can't clearly see what the future holds. I think I need that.
From tonight's version of "sometimes you don't get what you want but you get what you need" comes this: so I go to the library to find a book (any book, more or less) by the Dalai Lama because I really enjoyed a book-on-tape of his that I just finished. They didn't have any of the ones I was interested in but in that same section I found a couple interesting titles by another author: _When Things Fall Apart_ and _The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times_. _When Things Fall Apart_ is a small book. I've made it through the first four chapters (32 pages) and it's one of those deals where you feel like you were meant to get to this place in your life so you could read this book when it made sense. In fact, I felt that way after 3 pages. And a lot of it reminded me of you, particularly when you say things like:
I look at him and know he's capable of so much if he'd just believe in himself, and then think of how I reinforce his insecurities.
So let me give you a taste of what I'm talking about...
What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eyes -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. There's not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring. The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further. The kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. They have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually.
The parts about being continually humbled and having our arrogance continually shot down reminded me so much of how you get mad at H for various things, but you also always see a part you play in his problems as well. It never takes you long to shoot down your arrogance, and that takes a lot of courage.
And after all our talks about limbo, what do you think of this:
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don't know what's really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don't know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don't know. We never know if we're going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. . . . Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. the off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.
To stay with that shakiness -- to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge -- that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic -- this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior. We catch ourselves one zillion times as once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation -- harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.
I guess my favorite part of all that is this: Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. We complain (nobody more than me) about being in limbo now. But the truth is we were always in limbo, we just didn't know it or didn't recognize it. During the times in my M when I thought I didn't have to worry about W leaving, was I in limbo? I didn't think so, but it turns out I was. How many people on these boards who are DB'ing like champions just want their M's back like they were instead of this limbo of working on a M their partner is rejecting? But those M's back then were in limbo, too. The difference is now the limbo is obvious, real and true. And isn't it better to live in the truth? Nobody wants to go back to a R that seems solid but is going to explode some day. But we never know if that's going to happen or not, so it's always limbo.
Now we have to learn to like it. Personal growth once again rears its ugly head.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
