Dang right! Only you've gotta buy it so if we win you can hold on to my half until the D is final. I'd have to hide the winnings from H of course!
And really, I'd need her to decide that her current negative worldview and how she processes her anger at irritating but ultimately minor events is not working and needs to be overhauled. In short, I guess I'd need a whole new W. And I really have no right to even hope for that. She's her own person, she can be who she wants. Bud, I think you've hit on something very important here that a lot of DBers could learn from. The wondering you were doing awhile back about DBers who end up being the WAS. Realizing this nugget of truth might save a lot of time and heartache. I think a lot of us trying to save our Rs, blow past what WE need and what our S would have to do to be a part of a new, healthy R with us. Then we have what we've been dreaming of.. a spouse that's willing to stay in the M, but not necessarily willing to work on themselves or the R because afterall, they've given us what we want - them, in any shape or form as long as we don't have to let go after putting in so much effort. Then after the honeymoon period, reality hits and the LBS finds that they're harboring anger, pain and resentment and there are things they think the WAS should change too. Unfortunately, the WAS is more likely to walk away than change (OK, this is a generalization, but unless they wake up, are in counseling, etc). And here goes the cycle of not letting go of a R that isn't ever going to be healthy. You are one step ahead of the game and looking at the right things. You're conscious that a new R would take both of you changing.. not just her realizing YOU"VE changed enough to make her want to try again, although that would be a good start!
And as that unfolds, you two can evaluate each other's true self and see if that's someone you can have a R with. It's horribly scary because the answer might be no. That's the way I feel about W. I think if you gave us three months, threw out our past history, and asked each of us if the other was someone we could be married to, her honest answer would be yes and my honest answer would be no. In real life her answer would be no because of past history. So there ya have it. These must be DB brainwaves! I've thought about this a lot. Is H someone that I'd want to date if I met him right now. Absolutely not. I'd still find his good qualities attractive, but at this point I'd be much more in-tune to how different we are and how hard it would be to work things out. I no longer think the strong, silent type is mysterious and exciting. Having lived that life I know what it is.. silent and a pain in the *ss to live with someone who refuses to communicate and share. And, I'm sure my H wouldn't find my assertiveness as attractive as he did when we first met either.
It's much more likely that nothing could manage to motivate him right now. Besides, not worrying about his reaction is what this is all about. And like W, I think he eventually will discover that what he's doing in this world just won't work long term. Unlike W, he doesn't seem so bent on blaming you for all his problems. So perhaps he can pull himself up by his bootstraps when he finds that he needs to. Then you'll both be happier, whether you're together or not. This is the goal. I want us both to be happy. I look at him and know he's capable of so much if he'd just believe in himself, and then think of how I reinforce his insecurities. This is something I really need to work on, but it's hard. I can't be in the R he wants right now because it's so unhealthy and destructive, but distancing myself from him sends such a message of rejection. I wish he could take a step back and work on him and worry about himself for awhile. I'm fine.. I really am. The kids are fine. the best thing he could do for us is to get healthy and work through his issues. You're right, he doesn't blame me for his probs. Although, he expects me to fix them a lot of times. So while he doesn't see me as the cause and feel resentment.. he feels frustration that I can't be the cure. I blame him for a lot I know, but I try not to blame him for my problems. The R problems... gosh, I wish I could say I don't blame him. I do.. not for all of it, but for the general downfall over the last year and a half. I've been trying to put my finger on exactly what it is that is eating me up about all of this. And, in a nutshell.. my security has been taken away. My R with H is the only R in my life that I had settled into like it is a lifelong thing (besides my mom and kids). Having achieved that in a R is amazing for me because it's hard for me to get attached to that degree. Now I'm working on myself to be secure as a general rule, with myself, and being secure with the Rs in my life where they are today. I shouldnt have to have a mental guarantee in order to have intimate interaction with another person. I'm serious.. the least sign of pain coming my way, and I would run for the hills. I was SO proud that I had reached a point in my life where I'd no longer run from committment. Then I found out that I still run if I feel afraid... it was an illusion and I have much work to do in being happy and grounded in MY life. This limbo with H also takes me away from the security of having it one way or the other. I'm trying to focus on the challenge and grow through this.. if nothing else, I might learn that I'll be OK on the other side of a situation where I can't clearly see what the future holds. I think I need that.
You're the best Bud! Thanks for listening
