The Long Haul

[Burgbud]

To be able to leave that door open is amazing. Mine is cracked, but only out of fear.

Me too. I can't quite manage to drop the rope completely. Maybe it'll be easier after she moves out.


Wanna go halfsies on a powerball ticket? We've gambled so much already, what's a buck?

Dang right! Only you've gotta buy it so if we win you can hold on to my half until the D is final.


You have the ability to be hopeful that I can't seem to hold on to.

Mmmm...I don't know how hopeful I am. I don't know that an attempt at reconciliation is what I would be hoping for. It would be nice if she had an epiphany like Paul on the road to Damascus and took a lot more responsibility for her current sitch (her latest estimate is that where we are is 80% my fault and 20% hers...which is more balanced than I'd have guessed she would come up with). And really, I'd need her to decide that her current negative worldview and how she processes her anger at irritating but ultimately minor events is not working and needs to be overhauled. In short, I guess I'd need a whole new W. And I really have no right to even hope for that. She's her own person, she can be who she wants.


I felt validated after H shared what the Dr. told him, but it doesn't change things. I've still gotten a barrage of ILUs, I'll do better, I can't help it.. I'm sick.. I'm trying.. etc, etc.

Wow, that's a good doctor! And you're right, H seems to know what he needs to do he just hasn't been able to get over the hump and do it. Consistently. It's a scary thought, but maybe you guys just need a big break like you're implying you're going to take. You can just be who you are and he can just be who he is, without pressure to perform for the other. And as that unfolds, you two can evaluate each other's true self and see if that's someone you can have a R with. It's horribly scary because the answer might be no. That's the way I feel about W. I think if you gave us three months, threw out our past history, and asked each of us if the other was someone we could be married to, her honest answer would be yes and my honest answer would be no. In real life her answer would be no because of past history. So there ya have it.


There's no incentive for me to even try, and I've shared that with H. The best bet I have right now is to take the energy I've put into my R with H and devote it to myself and the kids. If I can deal with all H's crap and still function, how much weight will it remove to just have me and the kids to take care of? A BUNCH! I know I'm not gonna screw myself over, lie to myself, or neglect myself any longer. That's the best I can do right now. I hope H is much more dedicated to taking care of his needs than he is mine.. he is going to have a rude awakening when he realizes just how well he's been taken care of and what he's missing out on. It's one thing to say I can't help it when the other person is still doing all the work.. when the "I can't help it" wears off and impacts HIS life, he might just figure out that he's gonna have to HELP it.

You're right! Become the person you can be without having to focus so much on H and see if that person motivates him to change. If he doesn't, don't feel like it's because you weren't motivational enough. It's much more likely that nothing could manage to motivate him right now. Besides, not worrying about his reaction is what this is all about. And like W, I think he eventually will discover that what he's doing in this world just won't work long term. Unlike W, he doesn't seem so bent on blaming you for all his problems. So perhaps he can pull himself up by his bootstraps when he finds that he needs to. Then you'll both be happier, whether you're together or not.


Im here for you Bud.

I know you are and I can't tell you how much that means. Thank you.


Just knowing someone understands help a bunch!

Yep. Every once in a while I think we just really need someone to say to us, "No, you're not crazy; that's bullsh!t!"