Time for some space and hopefully some healing. Let events unfold for awhile without expectation and truthfully, in my case at least, without much hope. Like you, I have hope for a good life, but not much hope for a reconciliation. The door's still open but I consider it about as likely as that I'll win the lottery. You've touched on much of what I feel right now. I need to heal, and don't have much hope of saving our R. I did notice yesterday that when I have no expectations, I like H more. What is the balance between being able to expect certain things in an R, and letting go? I used to feel guilty for expecting anything from H, and now he resents that I expect him to do his part. Any expectation by me is followed with an excuse by him. You are a good man Bud. To be able to leave that door open is amazing. Mine is cracked, but only out of fear. Wanna go halfsies on a powerball ticket? We've gambled so much already, what's a buck?
And I think there's a decent chance that this is the best opportunity we both have to make things work out. I don't think it matters in my case, but if anything is going to work at this point a big break from each other is probably the ticket. And if you drop the rope, maybe H will just give up as well, but it might be your best chance that he'll come around to realize that how he's been going isn't working and he has to face his demons now. We'll see. You have the ability to be hopeful that I can't seem to hold on to. H knows what he's doing isnt working. He's said as much. I don't know if that knowledge will turn into action EVER. Doesn't look like it.
He saw our family Dr. again yesterday and shared the convo with me last night. As I've said before, our Dr. knows us and our sitch well. From what H shared, he's saying much the same things as I've said, and not letting H off the hook because he's dealing with depression. H can relay the convo, but I'm not sure if any of it actually sunk in. How many people have to tell him that he's not trying hard enough or taking responsibility? I mean, when your Dr. tells you that you're being a fool and not doing enough something's not right. He pointed out to H that the job situation is bad.. the lack of affection is bad and that he sees wives often who still aren't totally over these kinds of things after 2-3 years. He told H that he's expecting me to do all the work and not being supportive and understanding of how much I've been hurt. He said to H - there are other ways to make love, show affection and show Sheila how much you love her without it being actual intercourse. Being afraid that you can't perform is no excuse for not taking care of her needs or reassuring her of your affections right now. You've slept with and were chasing after another woman, and now you're rejecting your wife and telling her she should be trying harder to get your feelings back? He told H that's not good and not likely going to work for me. I felt validated after H shared what the Dr. told him, but it doesn't change things. I've still gotten a barrage of ILUs, I'll do better, I can't help it.. I'm sick.. I'm trying.. etc, etc.
I cant do it..not right now. There's no incentive for me to even try, and I've shared that with H. The best bet I have right now is to take the energy I've put into my R with H and devote it to myself and the kids. If I can deal with all H's crap and still function, how much weight will it remove to just have me and the kids to take care of? A BUNCH! I know I'm not gonna screw myself over, lie to myself, or neglect myself any longer. That's the best I can do right now. I hope H is much more dedicated to taking care of his needs than he is mine.. he is going to have a rude awakening when he realizes just how well he's been taken care of and what he's missing out on. It's one thing to say I can't help it when the other person is still doing all the work.. when the "I can't help it" wears off and impacts HIS life, he might just figure out that he's gonna have to HELP it.
Thanks for listening as always. Im here for you Bud. I so appreciate you understanding and encouraging me. Just knowing someone understands help a bunch!
