The Long Haul

[Burgbud]

Bud.. I know we have a pact until the first of the year. And I can say that H will more than likely be living with me until then.. but as far as working our our R and reconciling, I'm not hopeful.

Uh, well, I don't think I can say anything after I posted this on Friday:

I probably don't have to say this, but I have definitely given up on saving this M at this point. That would almost definitely be the wrong thing. I'm thankful for the past five months, especially the time during her withdrawal, because I really feel like I've done everything I could since the bomb dropped to make a reconciliation possible, but it's just not going to happen. She is so, so, angry still. Time to go out separate ways, set the best examples we can for our boys, and hopefully they'll find something in one or both of us they can emulate and be more successful in their future lives than we have been to this point.

But I think we can both Do No Harm (or Do As Little Harm As Possible). For that long or however long we can manage. It's good to have an endline to point to, but not if it wears us out mentally and emotionally to get there. That's what the pact was supposed to be for, to protect us from getting bogged down in the day to day. But apparently it was more than just that, for both of us. Time for some space and hopefully some healing. Let events unfold for awhile without expectation and truthfully, in my case at least, without much hope. Like you, I have hope for a good life, but not much hope for a reconciliation. The door's still open but I consider it about as likely as that I'll win the lottery.

And I think there's a decent chance that this is the best opportunity we both have to make things work out. I don't think it matters in my case, but if anything is going to work at this point a big break from each other is probably the ticket. And if you drop the rope, maybe H will just give up as well, but it might be your best chance that he'll come around to realize that how he's been going isn't working and he has to face his demons now. We'll see.

I can tell you that I've felt much more peace since deciding that last Friday. I wouldn't say I'm at peace but I'm much closer than in a long time. Even thinking about things between W and Om hasn't been as rough, though I still try to avoid it. Hopefully you'll get that same effect.

And who knows, maybe a little happiness will follow that peace? Why not?

I do think though that the way to healing is to work through the pain of giving up this R and get closure, than to keep beating a dead horse.

Uh, yeah. That's what I was trying to say, just with more words and less clarity!