Was a rough, rough toss and turn night for me last night. This weekend has shown me the depths of the anger I carry around towards H. It's there below the surface and althought it just doesn't blow at any given moment, when I'm having a tough time, I revert to the "how dare he?! after all he's done to me?!" He asked me last night how much anger I still have about him being unfaithful. Much. That's all I know. I think I've been lying to myself that we'll ever fix things between us and have a healthy M again. Dec will be 5 years since we divorced. We havent re-married and co-habitating has gotten us to this point. He threw up past mistakes to me, and he's right. I haven't been an angel for the last 18 years. BUT... for the last 4, I've been as close as I get. When he moved back into the house I made a committment to only give our R good things and to not hurt him the way I did in the past. It was mutual hurt and I didnt ever want to go back there. We had a good run of it for three years.. then depression hit. Spent a year pretending things were good with me clueless, and now this.
The truth is.. I think that reconciliation was our last chance. That was the chance we had to build a healthy R, and we failed. This isnt healthy. So tossing and turning, it occurred to me. I posted above, what I really want is peace. I get angry and frustrated at the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life. I don't have to. I can have peace and the knowledge that I'll be OK and secure. It would just mean not having an R with H. I felt a tremendous sense of relief when I realized that. That I have a choice. I dont have to do this for the kids, or because it's the "right" thing to do. I don't have to do this to keep from failing.. I've already failed at being married to my H.
Bud.. I know we have a pact until the first of the year. And I can say that H will more than likely be living with me until then.. but as far as working our our R and reconciling, I'm not hopeful. The longer I do this.. the more hopeless I feel. Each time we hit an obtacle and I feel alone facing it, I feel weak and inadequit. Trapped with nowhere to turn and no one to help. I can't do this on my own. H can't contribute because of his depression, or whatever reason. But, I can't keep this together because he's sick either. I love him. He's the father of my children. I never want anything bad to happen to him, but I didn't ever promise to solve his problems or live his life either. He needs to get on his feet and find health. I can support him in that, but I cant DO that for him. This depression isnt mine, yet it's keeping me a prisoner too. And truthfully, It's making me hate him. I'm not the cure... I'm probably half the problem if truth be told. How can he gain confidence when our R drags both of us down? How can he feel good when he has to face the guilt of the past every time he looks at me?
Anyway, I feel more centered today emotionally. I feel like being nice to H. This isnt all his fault and I do have a choice. I just don't like the consequences of the choice. I do think though that the way to healing is to work through the pain of giving up this R and get closure, than to keep beating a dead horse.
