LOL.. Bud, was just over reading YOUR thread! And I love the Do No Harm motto. I think I'll adopt it too.. have to tell S_H thanks.
You are right on track with the "respect me enough to not talk about this right now" I used that last night when he came into the bedroom after I settled in. I told him that I was tired and didnt want to talk, especially when I was trying to wind down and sleep. He didnt respect it AT ALL. Came in three times just to say "one thing". I finally just laid there and sang James Taylor songs in my head and said OK, OK, until he went away. He has little respect for my boundaries. I started making a mental list earlier of the ways in which he tries to control me or tell me I'm wrong, or totally ignores my boundaries. Justifying my anger But, I realized what I was doing and how counterproductive that is. It just makes me angrier! Then I remembered that you cant think negatively when thinking positively (wish I could remember who gave that advice!).
And I did finally remember what button he pushed that put me into orbit. He said "you know, you could try being affectionate or initiating ML with me too" Now, I've heard this all week, and I'm terribly insulted by it. So I'll vent here because I'm still miffed. A week ago Weds when my boss let us off for the afternoon.. instead of taking up my co-workers invite to go shopping, I thought that it would be a good time to surprise H with some time alone we hadnt had since I was sick. I arranged for the kids to be taken care of after school, came home and freshened up, called H as he was driving home and hinted that he was in for a sexy afternoon. And he was BTW! We haven't ML since, and now he says I could be affectionate and initiate ML once in awhile!!??? OK, got that out of my system. It's TOTALLY absurd. I do realize there's a hint there as to how I can make the sitch better by being more affectionate on a regular basis and intiating contact. But for now.. I'm gonna be stubborn and cut my nose off to spite my face, be totally anti-DB (just in my mind and on my thread) until I have what it takes to stand behind my efforts and do a good job of it. Not admitting that I'm taking a selfish, b*tchy, venting time out just makes me feel bad about myself when I fail when I clearly don't have what it takes to succeed at the moment.
Maybe tomorrow, but tonight, I'm fuming a little.. ignoring him, and thinking "how dare he!". And if I was Tinkerbell I'd be stomping my feet, crossing my arms and fairy dust would be flying off my butt!
Was a rough, rough toss and turn night for me last night. This weekend has shown me the depths of the anger I carry around towards H. It's there below the surface and althought it just doesn't blow at any given moment, when I'm having a tough time, I revert to the "how dare he?! after all he's done to me?!" He asked me last night how much anger I still have about him being unfaithful. Much. That's all I know. I think I've been lying to myself that we'll ever fix things between us and have a healthy M again. Dec will be 5 years since we divorced. We havent re-married and co-habitating has gotten us to this point. He threw up past mistakes to me, and he's right. I haven't been an angel for the last 18 years. BUT... for the last 4, I've been as close as I get. When he moved back into the house I made a committment to only give our R good things and to not hurt him the way I did in the past. It was mutual hurt and I didnt ever want to go back there. We had a good run of it for three years.. then depression hit. Spent a year pretending things were good with me clueless, and now this.
The truth is.. I think that reconciliation was our last chance. That was the chance we had to build a healthy R, and we failed. This isnt healthy. So tossing and turning, it occurred to me. I posted above, what I really want is peace. I get angry and frustrated at the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life. I don't have to. I can have peace and the knowledge that I'll be OK and secure. It would just mean not having an R with H. I felt a tremendous sense of relief when I realized that. That I have a choice. I dont have to do this for the kids, or because it's the "right" thing to do. I don't have to do this to keep from failing.. I've already failed at being married to my H.
Bud.. I know we have a pact until the first of the year. And I can say that H will more than likely be living with me until then.. but as far as working our our R and reconciling, I'm not hopeful. The longer I do this.. the more hopeless I feel. Each time we hit an obtacle and I feel alone facing it, I feel weak and inadequit. Trapped with nowhere to turn and no one to help. I can't do this on my own. H can't contribute because of his depression, or whatever reason. But, I can't keep this together because he's sick either. I love him. He's the father of my children. I never want anything bad to happen to him, but I didn't ever promise to solve his problems or live his life either. He needs to get on his feet and find health. I can support him in that, but I cant DO that for him. This depression isnt mine, yet it's keeping me a prisoner too. And truthfully, It's making me hate him. I'm not the cure... I'm probably half the problem if truth be told. How can he gain confidence when our R drags both of us down? How can he feel good when he has to face the guilt of the past every time he looks at me?
Anyway, I feel more centered today emotionally. I feel like being nice to H. This isnt all his fault and I do have a choice. I just don't like the consequences of the choice. I do think though that the way to healing is to work through the pain of giving up this R and get closure, than to keep beating a dead horse.
Bud.. I know we have a pact until the first of the year. And I can say that H will more than likely be living with me until then.. but as far as working our our R and reconciling, I'm not hopeful.
Uh, well, I don't think I can say anything after I posted this on Friday:
I probably don't have to say this, but I have definitely given up on saving this M at this point. That would almost definitely be the wrong thing. I'm thankful for the past five months, especially the time during her withdrawal, because I really feel like I've done everything I could since the bomb dropped to make a reconciliation possible, but it's just not going to happen. She is so, so, angry still. Time to go out separate ways, set the best examples we can for our boys, and hopefully they'll find something in one or both of us they can emulate and be more successful in their future lives than we have been to this point.
But I think we can both Do No Harm (or Do As Little Harm As Possible). For that long or however long we can manage. It's good to have an endline to point to, but not if it wears us out mentally and emotionally to get there. That's what the pact was supposed to be for, to protect us from getting bogged down in the day to day. But apparently it was more than just that, for both of us. Time for some space and hopefully some healing. Let events unfold for awhile without expectation and truthfully, in my case at least, without much hope. Like you, I have hope for a good life, but not much hope for a reconciliation. The door's still open but I consider it about as likely as that I'll win the lottery.
And I think there's a decent chance that this is the best opportunity we both have to make things work out. I don't think it matters in my case, but if anything is going to work at this point a big break from each other is probably the ticket. And if you drop the rope, maybe H will just give up as well, but it might be your best chance that he'll come around to realize that how he's been going isn't working and he has to face his demons now. We'll see.
I can tell you that I've felt much more peace since deciding that last Friday. I wouldn't say I'm at peace but I'm much closer than in a long time. Even thinking about things between W and Om hasn't been as rough, though I still try to avoid it. Hopefully you'll get that same effect.
And who knows, maybe a little happiness will follow that peace? Why not?
I do think though that the way to healing is to work through the pain of giving up this R and get closure, than to keep beating a dead horse.
Uh, yeah. That's what I was trying to say, just with more words and less clarity!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'm trying to catch up with your posts. I'm sorry to hear how frustrated you are lately. I don't know if I have recommended this to you or not but "Depression Fallout" is an excellent book for spouses and loved ones of the depressed. There is also a website and a message board. Just google depression fallout.
Time for some space and hopefully some healing. Let events unfold for awhile without expectation and truthfully, in my case at least, without much hope. Like you, I have hope for a good life, but not much hope for a reconciliation. The door's still open but I consider it about as likely as that I'll win the lottery. You've touched on much of what I feel right now. I need to heal, and don't have much hope of saving our R. I did notice yesterday that when I have no expectations, I like H more. What is the balance between being able to expect certain things in an R, and letting go? I used to feel guilty for expecting anything from H, and now he resents that I expect him to do his part. Any expectation by me is followed with an excuse by him. You are a good man Bud. To be able to leave that door open is amazing. Mine is cracked, but only out of fear. Wanna go halfsies on a powerball ticket? We've gambled so much already, what's a buck?
And I think there's a decent chance that this is the best opportunity we both have to make things work out. I don't think it matters in my case, but if anything is going to work at this point a big break from each other is probably the ticket. And if you drop the rope, maybe H will just give up as well, but it might be your best chance that he'll come around to realize that how he's been going isn't working and he has to face his demons now. We'll see. You have the ability to be hopeful that I can't seem to hold on to. H knows what he's doing isnt working. He's said as much. I don't know if that knowledge will turn into action EVER. Doesn't look like it.
He saw our family Dr. again yesterday and shared the convo with me last night. As I've said before, our Dr. knows us and our sitch well. From what H shared, he's saying much the same things as I've said, and not letting H off the hook because he's dealing with depression. H can relay the convo, but I'm not sure if any of it actually sunk in. How many people have to tell him that he's not trying hard enough or taking responsibility? I mean, when your Dr. tells you that you're being a fool and not doing enough something's not right. He pointed out to H that the job situation is bad.. the lack of affection is bad and that he sees wives often who still aren't totally over these kinds of things after 2-3 years. He told H that he's expecting me to do all the work and not being supportive and understanding of how much I've been hurt. He said to H - there are other ways to make love, show affection and show Sheila how much you love her without it being actual intercourse. Being afraid that you can't perform is no excuse for not taking care of her needs or reassuring her of your affections right now. You've slept with and were chasing after another woman, and now you're rejecting your wife and telling her she should be trying harder to get your feelings back? He told H that's not good and not likely going to work for me. I felt validated after H shared what the Dr. told him, but it doesn't change things. I've still gotten a barrage of ILUs, I'll do better, I can't help it.. I'm sick.. I'm trying.. etc, etc.
I cant do it..not right now. There's no incentive for me to even try, and I've shared that with H. The best bet I have right now is to take the energy I've put into my R with H and devote it to myself and the kids. If I can deal with all H's crap and still function, how much weight will it remove to just have me and the kids to take care of? A BUNCH! I know I'm not gonna screw myself over, lie to myself, or neglect myself any longer. That's the best I can do right now. I hope H is much more dedicated to taking care of his needs than he is mine.. he is going to have a rude awakening when he realizes just how well he's been taken care of and what he's missing out on. It's one thing to say I can't help it when the other person is still doing all the work.. when the "I can't help it" wears off and impacts HIS life, he might just figure out that he's gonna have to HELP it.
Thanks for listening as always. Im here for you Bud. I so appreciate you understanding and encouraging me. Just knowing someone understands help a bunch!
To be able to leave that door open is amazing. Mine is cracked, but only out of fear.
Me too. I can't quite manage to drop the rope completely. Maybe it'll be easier after she moves out.
Wanna go halfsies on a powerball ticket? We've gambled so much already, what's a buck?
Dang right! Only you've gotta buy it so if we win you can hold on to my half until the D is final.
You have the ability to be hopeful that I can't seem to hold on to.
Mmmm...I don't know how hopeful I am. I don't know that an attempt at reconciliation is what I would be hoping for. It would be nice if she had an epiphany like Paul on the road to Damascus and took a lot more responsibility for her current sitch (her latest estimate is that where we are is 80% my fault and 20% hers...which is more balanced than I'd have guessed she would come up with). And really, I'd need her to decide that her current negative worldview and how she processes her anger at irritating but ultimately minor events is not working and needs to be overhauled. In short, I guess I'd need a whole new W. And I really have no right to even hope for that. She's her own person, she can be who she wants.
I felt validated after H shared what the Dr. told him, but it doesn't change things. I've still gotten a barrage of ILUs, I'll do better, I can't help it.. I'm sick.. I'm trying.. etc, etc.
Wow, that's a good doctor! And you're right, H seems to know what he needs to do he just hasn't been able to get over the hump and do it. Consistently. It's a scary thought, but maybe you guys just need a big break like you're implying you're going to take. You can just be who you are and he can just be who he is, without pressure to perform for the other. And as that unfolds, you two can evaluate each other's true self and see if that's someone you can have a R with. It's horribly scary because the answer might be no. That's the way I feel about W. I think if you gave us three months, threw out our past history, and asked each of us if the other was someone we could be married to, her honest answer would be yes and my honest answer would be no. In real life her answer would be no because of past history. So there ya have it.
There's no incentive for me to even try, and I've shared that with H. The best bet I have right now is to take the energy I've put into my R with H and devote it to myself and the kids. If I can deal with all H's crap and still function, how much weight will it remove to just have me and the kids to take care of? A BUNCH! I know I'm not gonna screw myself over, lie to myself, or neglect myself any longer. That's the best I can do right now. I hope H is much more dedicated to taking care of his needs than he is mine.. he is going to have a rude awakening when he realizes just how well he's been taken care of and what he's missing out on. It's one thing to say I can't help it when the other person is still doing all the work.. when the "I can't help it" wears off and impacts HIS life, he might just figure out that he's gonna have to HELP it.
You're right! Become the person you can be without having to focus so much on H and see if that person motivates him to change. If he doesn't, don't feel like it's because you weren't motivational enough. It's much more likely that nothing could manage to motivate him right now. Besides, not worrying about his reaction is what this is all about. And like W, I think he eventually will discover that what he's doing in this world just won't work long term. Unlike W, he doesn't seem so bent on blaming you for all his problems. So perhaps he can pull himself up by his bootstraps when he finds that he needs to. Then you'll both be happier, whether you're together or not.
Im here for you Bud.
I know you are and I can't tell you how much that means. Thank you.
Just knowing someone understands help a bunch!
Yep. Every once in a while I think we just really need someone to say to us, "No, you're not crazy; that's bullsh!t!"
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Dang right! Only you've gotta buy it so if we win you can hold on to my half until the D is final. I'd have to hide the winnings from H of course!
And really, I'd need her to decide that her current negative worldview and how she processes her anger at irritating but ultimately minor events is not working and needs to be overhauled. In short, I guess I'd need a whole new W. And I really have no right to even hope for that. She's her own person, she can be who she wants. Bud, I think you've hit on something very important here that a lot of DBers could learn from. The wondering you were doing awhile back about DBers who end up being the WAS. Realizing this nugget of truth might save a lot of time and heartache. I think a lot of us trying to save our Rs, blow past what WE need and what our S would have to do to be a part of a new, healthy R with us. Then we have what we've been dreaming of.. a spouse that's willing to stay in the M, but not necessarily willing to work on themselves or the R because afterall, they've given us what we want - them, in any shape or form as long as we don't have to let go after putting in so much effort. Then after the honeymoon period, reality hits and the LBS finds that they're harboring anger, pain and resentment and there are things they think the WAS should change too. Unfortunately, the WAS is more likely to walk away than change (OK, this is a generalization, but unless they wake up, are in counseling, etc). And here goes the cycle of not letting go of a R that isn't ever going to be healthy. You are one step ahead of the game and looking at the right things. You're conscious that a new R would take both of you changing.. not just her realizing YOU"VE changed enough to make her want to try again, although that would be a good start!
And as that unfolds, you two can evaluate each other's true self and see if that's someone you can have a R with. It's horribly scary because the answer might be no. That's the way I feel about W. I think if you gave us three months, threw out our past history, and asked each of us if the other was someone we could be married to, her honest answer would be yes and my honest answer would be no. In real life her answer would be no because of past history. So there ya have it. These must be DB brainwaves! I've thought about this a lot. Is H someone that I'd want to date if I met him right now. Absolutely not. I'd still find his good qualities attractive, but at this point I'd be much more in-tune to how different we are and how hard it would be to work things out. I no longer think the strong, silent type is mysterious and exciting. Having lived that life I know what it is.. silent and a pain in the *ss to live with someone who refuses to communicate and share. And, I'm sure my H wouldn't find my assertiveness as attractive as he did when we first met either.
It's much more likely that nothing could manage to motivate him right now. Besides, not worrying about his reaction is what this is all about. And like W, I think he eventually will discover that what he's doing in this world just won't work long term. Unlike W, he doesn't seem so bent on blaming you for all his problems. So perhaps he can pull himself up by his bootstraps when he finds that he needs to. Then you'll both be happier, whether you're together or not. This is the goal. I want us both to be happy. I look at him and know he's capable of so much if he'd just believe in himself, and then think of how I reinforce his insecurities. This is something I really need to work on, but it's hard. I can't be in the R he wants right now because it's so unhealthy and destructive, but distancing myself from him sends such a message of rejection. I wish he could take a step back and work on him and worry about himself for awhile. I'm fine.. I really am. The kids are fine. the best thing he could do for us is to get healthy and work through his issues. You're right, he doesn't blame me for his probs. Although, he expects me to fix them a lot of times. So while he doesn't see me as the cause and feel resentment.. he feels frustration that I can't be the cure. I blame him for a lot I know, but I try not to blame him for my problems. The R problems... gosh, I wish I could say I don't blame him. I do.. not for all of it, but for the general downfall over the last year and a half. I've been trying to put my finger on exactly what it is that is eating me up about all of this. And, in a nutshell.. my security has been taken away. My R with H is the only R in my life that I had settled into like it is a lifelong thing (besides my mom and kids). Having achieved that in a R is amazing for me because it's hard for me to get attached to that degree. Now I'm working on myself to be secure as a general rule, with myself, and being secure with the Rs in my life where they are today. I shouldnt have to have a mental guarantee in order to have intimate interaction with another person. I'm serious.. the least sign of pain coming my way, and I would run for the hills. I was SO proud that I had reached a point in my life where I'd no longer run from committment. Then I found out that I still run if I feel afraid... it was an illusion and I have much work to do in being happy and grounded in MY life. This limbo with H also takes me away from the security of having it one way or the other. I'm trying to focus on the challenge and grow through this.. if nothing else, I might learn that I'll be OK on the other side of a situation where I can't clearly see what the future holds. I think I need that.
It's always something with these damb lotteries, isn't it?
I can't be in the R he wants right now because it's so unhealthy and destructive, but distancing myself from him sends such a message of rejection. I wish he could take a step back and work on him and worry about himself for awhile.
Okay, book recommendation number one (though I've made it before): see if you can find him a copy of _Wild at Heart_. Though now that I think of it, perhaps you already have.
This limbo with H also takes me away from the security of having it one way or the other. I'm trying to focus on the challenge and grow through this.. if nothing else, I might learn that I'll be OK on the other side of a situation where I can't clearly see what the future holds. I think I need that.
From tonight's version of "sometimes you don't get what you want but you get what you need" comes this: so I go to the library to find a book (any book, more or less) by the Dalai Lama because I really enjoyed a book-on-tape of his that I just finished. They didn't have any of the ones I was interested in but in that same section I found a couple interesting titles by another author: _When Things Fall Apart_ and _The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times_. _When Things Fall Apart_ is a small book. I've made it through the first four chapters (32 pages) and it's one of those deals where you feel like you were meant to get to this place in your life so you could read this book when it made sense. In fact, I felt that way after 3 pages. And a lot of it reminded me of you, particularly when you say things like:
I look at him and know he's capable of so much if he'd just believe in himself, and then think of how I reinforce his insecurities.
So let me give you a taste of what I'm talking about...
What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eyes -- not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking. The truth is that when we really begin to do this, we're going to be continually humbled. There's not going to be much room for the arrogance that holding on to ideals can bring. The arrogance that inevitably does arise is going to be continually shot down by our own courage to step forward a little further. The kinds of discoveries that are made through practice have nothing to do with believing in anything. They have much more to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually.
The parts about being continually humbled and having our arrogance continually shot down reminded me so much of how you get mad at H for various things, but you also always see a part you play in his problems as well. It never takes you long to shoot down your arrogance, and that takes a lot of courage.
And after all our talks about limbo, what do you think of this:
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don't know what's really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don't know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don't know. We never know if we're going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure. . . . Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. the off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.
To stay with that shakiness -- to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge -- that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic -- this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior. We catch ourselves one zillion times as once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation -- harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration.
I guess my favorite part of all that is this: Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. We complain (nobody more than me) about being in limbo now. But the truth is we were always in limbo, we just didn't know it or didn't recognize it. During the times in my M when I thought I didn't have to worry about W leaving, was I in limbo? I didn't think so, but it turns out I was. How many people on these boards who are DB'ing like champions just want their M's back like they were instead of this limbo of working on a M their partner is rejecting? But those M's back then were in limbo, too. The difference is now the limbo is obvious, real and true. And isn't it better to live in the truth? Nobody wants to go back to a R that seems solid but is going to explode some day. But we never know if that's going to happen or not, so it's always limbo.
Now we have to learn to like it. Personal growth once again rears its ugly head.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
So much to say about this post and to think about. Mostly, thanks for taking the time to write it and share. And yes, I agree about being at the right time and right place to come across something and learn from it. The limbo thing.. exactly. I was thinking earlier after I posted how I clung/cling to that security and it's a myth that I've let myself believe and be comfortable with. It goes along with the frustration and anger.. the trying to control/aaack help when in the end, the feeling of control is a myth too. I feel strength, but really, no matter how angry I get with H or how much I try to take the reins, in the end, the hurt will be absolutely the same when the efforts are unsuccessful.. I just kid myself into thinking I'm "doing" something that will result in a change for the better.. surely it will wont it? If I give it one more try.. a little more effort.. I can do this. Won't it be easier than facing disappointment if I dont? All lies.
I'm so glad you posted this. I've been arguing with myself for 45 mins. H made mention of how hard it is for him to go to bed upstairs and not with me. He said he loves me and that he's going to get his medicine straight, and asked is there anything he can do for me. (he's told me that 5 times today) After an hour in the LR in absolute silence together.. he asks for a hug and then quizzes me on what I'm thinking/what I want to say. I looked at him for a long long time thinking "gosh, I don't know you.. not really.. not what goes on inside you. I could write a book on how you'll act next, but have no idea of what you're feeling right now, although you just told me. And I don't even know what that means "hard to go upstairs and not go to bed with you." Is there a feeling there? Said so matter of factly without emotion. And what does "can I do anything for you mean"? Anyway... I said "there really isn't much to say". And we went our separate ways. And I laid in bed fighting with myself about going upstairs and trying to figure out what those few words between us meant. He was reaching out obviously. But for what? A return to normal maybe? Don't know, not important probably. Except that as much as I know his next move, he knows mine too. Both stubbornly set on the same course, interacting the same ways. So, I stopped myself and didnt go upstairs. There was no reason to and I've been sitting here thinking about what I want. Trying to put H as far away from my mind, yet allow him there if that makes sense.. taking out assumptions maybe? What I want is a healthy R. What I need for us to ever be a "couple" again is for a lot to change. Nothing has changed, and yet I almost trekked upstairs for a convo that would have inevitably led to him sleeping in my bed and things gradually returning to normal. And I don't need changes just from him. I need to change myself too. I need to realize that I can have needs and want certain qualities in a mate. I can not be with someone who didnt pay their taxes last year because it's wrong.. and I'm allowed to recognize that him not working towards are goals consciously will mean that we'll never reach them as a couple. It's OK for that not to be all right with me.. and it's also OK for me to wait and see if he gets there. And if he doesn't.. it's OK for me to dream of the person who might want to have that R with me.. when I'm ready.. in a bazillion years... when I can let someone in my life without feeling like I have to guard the fort of my heart. I really like this person who can look at H and consider him.. without judgement, but with wondering knowing that every thing he does or doesnt do does not have to impact my life. I've let my mind wander to time.. and the pressure that might come as this unfolds and frustrations mount. The question is if I'll let him drag me back to a place where I feel a need to control, or if I'll continue until I'm comfortable waiting and being assured that I AM in control of my life whatever the next step is. Control of how I deal with things I have no control over..if that makes sense. Being aware that my future choices don't have to fit in someone else's script, they just have to be a clear reflection of who I am and who I become.
Was supposed to be short post And much rambling, but I'm looking forward to re-reading what you wrote and thinking on it tomorrow.
I bought that book "When Things Fall Apart" when I was still in Alaska and H had stopped coming home. It was the most scared I've ever been. I constantly imagined an astronaught, floating in a space suit, without a shuttle. Like in the movie 2001 or 2010, when you see that it looks like you have a million miles to fall on all sides of you and you're just being suspended waiting for the drop. But, I was this sole astronaught with nothing but this cord that used to be attached to the planet Earth, but now the cord was severed and I was slowly floating away from any source of life support and I had nothing to hold on to, for leverage, to push me back toward Earth.
I don't know if that description really describes how scared I was, having just left my job (where I was the breadwinner in the family), moved thousands of miles away from any family or friends, to be with H at his new job. But, I think most people on this board understand.
Anyway, I bought that book while I was feeling like this. But, I only got a chapter or so into it. Because when she started talking about fear, it was just too real. I couldn't do what she was talking about. I needed some kind of comfort, any comfort, real or imagined.
So, now I'm thinking I should pick that book back up. Now that the edge of my fear has been dulled, I think I can handle looking at it again. And who knows, maybe it will help me if and when that fear comes back in full force.
Thanks for sharing these posts with the rest of us!
But, I realized what I was doing and how counterproductive that is. It just makes me angrier! Then I remembered that you cant think negatively when thinking positively (wish I could remember who gave that advice!). 
