AAACCCK! It all sounds really good in type, but I'm having a hard time sticking with my goals and detaching emotionally. We did go and look at Christmas stuff this afternoon, and it was going great. Actually got a bunch done together. H seemed fine, I was feeling fine. Until the walk across the parking lot. And I can't even remember what he said to me, but it pushed a button so hard, I went into orbit. Not good. I think I let every frustration I've felt in 7 months come spilling out on the ride home. So much for changing the subject! I do remember the thing that got under my skin the most.. and it was him trying to convince me (without prodding by me), this may have been what set me off - that he wants me and is trying to meet my needs. Now, I don't know why he started that convo.. I was happy and talking about the kids. But he reached out to touch my shoulder and say something about that and I couldnt take it. I did ask if we could discuss it later, but he just kept going. Saying how much he loves me and loves ML to me and is sorry that he is having probs now. I should have met that with compassion and understanding, but I didnt. Instead, I flashed back to every time in the last 18 years that he's rejected me, and to the day the bomb dropped and how unloved and unwanted I felt knowing he had sex with someone else. Needless to say, it all spilled out in a very ugly way... and he returned it. He said the problem is my lack of understanding for what he's going through. That pretty much brought up a lot of other emotions and words from me about how understanding I HAVE been and how long I've taken his crap.
Not sure how to dig out of this one and get in the right direction. I feel horrible and defeated. I feel very ver tiny that his affections or lack of affections make me feel so unloved and unwanted. It was an issue the first few years of marriage, then I buried my feelings and coped and thought I was doing fine over the last 6 years, but evidently, I've been stuffing how I really feel about his low desire for me. And, after things being so wonderful (honeymooning), to be facing the same problem again ticks me off. I mean.. I got used to ML very little and had the emotions under control. Then I got used to having that need satisfied and am not happy to have that taken away again. I feel soooo selfish. He feels emasculated I'm sure. And I wonder why we're even trying to patch this back together. We have so much bad history, I don't see how we'll every overcome it and be happy together again.
Have been doing His Needs/Her Needs. My 5 basic needs are honesty, communication, affection, sex and financial support. H doesnt meet any of them..not even close. He's pointed out though that he's trying and that he has been affectionate (OK), and met some of the other needs.. domestic support, and recreational companionship. Those are HIS needs. He pretty much got p*ssed that I didn't count those as meeting my needs just because they arent my top five. Sigh.. we've been reading the book for two weeks and he still doesnt understand what the goal is.
Anyone want to guess which lovebusters I exibited today? Selfish demands and angry outbursts. I figure the love bank is sitting at negative and I have no clue how to start depositing again.
Just pray.... tomorrow I'll think about those goals again and maybe a way to deal with the anger and rejection Im obviously feeling and hopefully avoid any future temper tantrums on my part.
