Obviously our couple time hasnt been going well the last month. Maybe because it's pressure for H that he can't deal with, and I expect it to be "couply" and it just hasn't been. So, I have to identify the cheeseless tunnels and get away from them. Any alone time has turned out poorly for us lately and usually ends in a disagreement.
I've been thinking about our argument yesterday and how poorly I handled it, and how I contributed to it. There were a million things I could've done to not be dragged into that, but I went along with our usual patterns and took the bait. So, I need to be prepared. Knowing that H is going to be approaching me like this and there's no way around it, I need another way to handle it. Maybe if I had answered his first question and then changed the subject:
H: Are you OK M: Yeah, I'm fine. Hey, I was laying in there wondering, have you talked to S19 lately? Or I couldve said "Im fine, how about you? How's the headache? Maybe a short nap will help.. I'll be in the kitchen.
Anything like that to turn the focus off of me and take me out of a position of being defensive.
I also need to find ways for us to spend time together that isn't TIME TOGETHER. We do pretty good when we're busy.. but if we're just hanging out, it's a dangerous sitch right now. We need time that isn't R centered. He's been talking about Christmas and Thurs wanted to go to the toy store and look around. We didnt do that, but we should have. This afternoon might be rough depending on if he naps when the boys nap or not. If he does, then good. But if he doesn't, I might get D11 out for awhile and then ask him if he wants to go to the toy store later. Just to do something that keeps his mind off of our R and what he needs to be saying or doing. We actually need to clean up the cars, so that's an idea too. Or maybe we could all go to a movie.. I'll have to see what he wants to do.
I'm going to thank him for taking the kids to church and giving me time to relax. He was miffed that I didnt want to go and thinks it's because I'm mad at him. It's not, I just didnt want to go (tired today), and didnt go just to keep him from thinking I'm mad.
So, two new goals to add to the list. Deflecting his prying questions or attempts to get me to discuss the R. Spending time with him that's relaxing with no pressure to be intimate.
Act as if things are fine, act CHEERFUL.. not my strong point right now, but I'll do it! Be supportive and encouraging and stay out of cheeseless tunnels! I know he takes talking about future plans (holidays, etc) as a sign I'm still committed to our R. So instead of saying that I'm committed and still want to work it out (because then that opens the door to an R discussion), I'm going to start planning for the holidays as if things are fine. He's said several times if I've expressed doubts "but, you were talking about taking a trip together, and now you're not sure about us?" So I know he pays close attention to future talk.
Not gonna mention the Dr., his health, meds, etc. He seems to be trying hard to convince me that he's not having problems although he's said that he is... so that's a tunnel I'm not going into! Gonna let him figure out his health problems privately and agree that he's doing better if he says so. He is doing better.. just not as good as he was.
