Did you notice that in your update that he mentioned he was afraid? Fear of performance can be crippeling. I took note that he said he is afraid, but he didn't elaborate on what he's fearing. I asked, but it wasn't a genuine question. I pretty much vented that I'm frustrated by the way he's been acting lately. There have been many opportunities for him to share his feelings and his fears with me. It's not a secret that he might be having problems performing or getting aroused. The last time it was mentioned, I was supportive and understanding, and have been since I knew there was a problem. It seemed to be getting better, but H doesn't share his deepest feelings openly, so I can only guess.
I've read the thread you mention. I can see where the techniques could help a couple reach intimacy together. H and I aren't there really. He's certainly shut down intimacy between us while maintaining the appearance that things are getting better, or havent changed.
I'm very confused right now. I wake up every day not knowing which version of my H is going to be here. This morning, the man who's been shut down the last couple of weeks has followed me around wanting to talk and explain. Unfortuately, I don't have the energy to listen or desire to talk right now. It seems counterproductive at this point because I know whatever he says, it will only be part of the story. I have to ask myself "why have I been making time to discuss our R with this man? why have I listened countless hours and discussed honesty, affection, sex, etc when he clearly was not discussing what is on his mind and heart, but talking just to get through the process.
So, until a future time when he's mentally, emotionally and physically capable of contributing to building an honest R with me, all efforts to sort this out are on hold. I just can't do it right now either. I've said it over and over, but haven't gotten it myself. He needs to work on his problems and his life before we start working on us. Being physically separated is not an option. He needs me for support.. emotionally and financially. I think the plan for him to move upstairs a few weeks ago was a good one and we should have stuck to that. But, I'm a dreamer and thought we could work this out together. I do know if I don't have a way to separate myself from what's going on with him, I'm going to get dragged into the arguments and chaos again and again. I can't do that to myself or the kids. They need at least one parent who knows if they're coming or going on a daily basis.
So, I basically take the caregiver role again and do the best I can with it. It won't be easy because H is already pressuring for more. UGH.. it's frustrating. He doesn't want me to have any boundaries where he's concerned, yet he has walls all around himself for protection. I know that dealing with him in a loving, compassionate way means I'm going to have to take very good care of myself emotionally. But, at the least sign of distance created by ME, H starts pursuing and driving me nuts with his demands. I don't know how to lovingly distance from him without encouraging a barrage of emotions from him. It doesn't make sense to me really. I make myself available to communicate and he shuts down. I distance and stop communicating and he won't stop talking. Of course, I don't believe he's sharing honestly, it's more like convincing.
So, goals for this week.
Talk to the doctor. Be supportive and loving, but take nothing he says to heart. I'd like to ask him to sleep upstairs, but I won't. It will just be rejection to him and won't help the sitch. Take some time for myself to be alone and spend some time with my close friends. Keep going to the gym Whatever H does or says, I won't allow myself to be trapped into believing that things are back to normal. I.e., he's sure to do something to try to "prove" that he's not having problems so we can go back to pretending and he can avoid facing the problems
