I have once again erred in my efforts. H definately has something goin on in the sexual arena and it's eating him up. I'm trying to think rationally about things that are not rational coming from H. He's struggling with his depression and I've been trying to deal with him as if he's functioning normally and he's just not at the moment. I should have stuck with what I told Burgbud earlier about not letting H convince me the problems are just a matter of perception on my part. H is much threatened by me being grounded and he's afraid. He can see that I need progress and for us to work out our probs, but he cant do that right now on any level. he needs to take care of himself first.
It's hard to describe the interaction we had when he came back home this afternoon. It left me saying, huh? He came in and I was cheerful.. he seemed in an OK mood too. The boys went down for a nap and I was chilling in the bedroom watching football. H mentioned catching a nap while the boys were sleeping and I said, OK, get some rest. Then he came and laid by me on the bed. I asked if he was gonna nap there and he said, no, are you? I said no, I'm going to watch this for a minute and then do some stuff in the kitchen. I was laying on the bed. He snuggled up beside me and I kissed him on the cheek and rubbed his hair a minute. Next thing I know, he was all hands.. kissing my neck, etc. Not just innocent affection by any means. He clearly was trying to get me aroused and it worked. Then he got up and started into the LR. I playfully said, "hey the boys are napping" And he said, yeah, maybe I can get some rest and we can have some time after they go to bed tonight. I said, OK. After awhile I got up to go in the kitchen and as I walked through the LR, he said "are you OK?"
M: "yeah, why"
H: "are you angry at me?"
M: "no, why would I be angry at you? are you thinking because of what happened in the bedroom, but then you came out here instead?"
H: what is YOUR problem
M: what are you talking about? I'm fine! If you have a problem that you need to discuss, we can discuss it, but really, would you please stop insinuating something is wrong with me? You've been doing it all week and I've had enough of it
H: Listen, it's not my fault I've been sick! I want you, but I'm having a problem right now and you don't understand
M: Then why havent we discussed the problem, or why havent you mentioned it and clued me in? Because I've been getting a load of crap dumped on me all week and I have no clue why. I havent mentioned sex.. havent asked for it.. havent initiated it.. have been very understanding that you're sick, and still you insist on starting these arguments with me!
H: See, this is why I don't talk to you or mention my problems. We can't just discuss things calmly, you get all upset and angry at me.
M: If you approached me with a problem and wanted to talk about it, I would. But you haven't done that. Why can't you just say "Sheila, we need to talk. I'm having a problem, and this is what it is"
H: Have you ever thought that maybe I'm afraid?
M: Afraid of what?
H: I don't know. I was having problems with my medicine. I've been tired and sick. I'm run down. I don't really know what the problem is, but I know the problem is not that I don't want to make love to you!
M: OKKKKKK. I'm not sure how to respond to that because I had no idea that you're still having desire problems.
H: I don't have problems with desire. I just told you that!
M: OK, performance problems or whatever. I havent mentioned sex at all. The only time you've mentioned it has been either that I'm depriving you, or that you want me, but it's not a good time.. etc. There's been no discussion of medical problem and I'm very confused as to what you want me to say or do right now. I'm really very p*ssed that I've had to deal with this for over a week and I have no reason why. You keep dragging me into this, and now you say you're having a problem, but instead of coming to me to talk or for help, you've been dumping on me. Do you think that asking for help in this way is going to work? That I'll get a clue what's wrong and figure it out.. figure out what to do about it and then fix it for you?
At some point H got irate and flung the bedroom door open and it hit the wall loudly. It was scary and I ended the discussion and told him that I'm not getting into the discussion with him again because he was scaring me. He said "Scaring you? what did I do?"
I told him that if he's still having problems, he needs to go back to the doctor and figure out what is wrong, but that I'm not getting dragged into the drama and have him go off on me for no reason.
Later S5 came running in the kitchen screaming. He had broken open a halloween light stick and got the liquid in his eyes. H started cussing. While I was trying to get the stuff washed out of Ty's eyes and trying to comfort him H was saying "why in the h*ll cant you leave things alone?!, etc" He was making the sitch worse and upsetting Ty more than he was helping. I asked him to leave the bathroom and he stormed out. Yelled at D11 for being in his way. he calmed down a little and came back in and asked if I thought putting him in the shower would help (he had it in his hair too). I said sure. Then he made a dramatic p*ssed off gesture because I was between him and the shower he wanted to start.
UGHHHHH. Something is NOT right with H. His meds.. his mental condition. Something. He's acting like he did right after the bomb dropped. They've taken him completely off of one of his depression meds and I wonder if that's the problem. He's acting like ILYBINILWY again. Not as severely depressed, but he's withdrawn and edgy. He's definately not connecting with the loving feelings he's had for me and we're not communicating. The thing is.. these are H's problems. I love him, but I can only do so much for him. I can't let him destroy me because he's struggling mentally. I try to be supportive, but from out of nowhere come his arrows. I know he has probs and I can ignore the way he's acting and be supportive and loving. I was caught off guard this afternoon because I didnt see how off he is getting again. Now that I recognize that this is most likely a chemical prob for him again, I can deal with him lovingly. But... unfortnately, it's impossible to move forward in our R until his medical problems are sorted out. We're pretty much back to square one because he's acting unstable. And I sorta dread his climb out of the hole again when they get him back on the right meds because then he'll be dealing with a huge amount of guilt. He'll remember how he's treated us and feel awful.. he'll get clingy and scared again and smother me. And he'll shower me with love that I'll start to get comfortable with.. and who knows if it will be permanent, or if he'll start sliding downhill after awhile.
Sigh.. I feel like I'm gonna go insane sometimes... when he acts this way, I question myself so much. So him wanting to drag me back into a comfortable cycle is the depression creeping back into our lives. It's obviously been the monster lurking in our R since the beginning. Now it has a name, but it is SO hard to recognize it when it's been a ghost without a name for so long. I feel like something is terribly wrong with me.. try to figure out what the heck H is trying to do... then it hits me that he's sick and this is a symptom of his illness.
I'm going to talk to our Dr. about a support group for spouses of people with depression. I need to understand what we're dealing with so I can stay sane and not let this illness destroy me and the kids too. It's so easy to blame H for the way he acts and just wish he'd start acting better, but that's unrealistic. He's sick.. he can't help it. I dont know what to do, or what to expect and when he storms around here I think that I don't want to live this way forever. So, after 6 months of gradual progress, once again I'm missing my H and wanting him back in his body. I can look at his eyes and tell he's in a dark place right now. I hurt for him.. he's lost years of his life to this illness. He's told me that, but I'm just seeing how very true that is. To have seen H functioning normally for a few months and now be able to compare it with how he functions when he's out of balance.. it's sad
So, not sure about piecing. I guess we're not piecing.. we're battling depression right now. I'm not going anywhere that's for sure. I'm hoping the Dr. has some answers. It looks like H might be dealing with more than a depressive episode.. I'm afraid that we'll be getting an answer as to whether he has a long term chemical imbalance or whether his body will start producing the chemicals after awhile. Seeing that the cycles we've been in all these years come back into play when he's struggling mentally makes me think it's a long term thing. But, I'm not a psych, so I'll wait and see what the Dr. has to say.
