I just got off the phone with my Mom. Shared with her the frustrations of the last week and we discussed it. She's shared recently that she had the sitch in her R with my father. She was HD and he was LD and it led to problems in their R. She felt unloved and wanted and he felt like he wasn't able to be a man and satisfy her. She also felt like he used sex to control her. He'd get angry (not sure if it was because he was mad at himself), and they wouldnt ML for weeks until she'd kissed his butt enough that he'd give her what she needed. I saw that cycle and hated it. I remember it vividly. I don't think I knew sex was part of the cycle, but maybe on some level I did. I remember how she would baby him, wait on him hand and foot, plan evenings out for them and build up his ego. I can remember how beautiful she looked before going out on a Sat night. She'd go to the beauty shop and get her hair and nails done and spend all afternoon primping. She'd shower him with affection and compliment him.. then for days after they would be happy again.. until the air in our house started getting tense. Dad would get moody and withdrawn, mom would get p*ssed, and then she'd give in and baby him again. Sound familiar?
She had some insight though that might be useful. She said that my basic assumption that H is using sex to passively control me might be right, but not enough info to solve the problem.
She asked me to consider it a different way and try to really see my part in the cycle and stop it. Not just stubbornly refuse to give in, but nip it in the bud so to speak. She said that maybe H is anticipating that I'm upset that we haven't ML and since he knows I'm HD, he's thinking I'm bottling up my frustration and he's going to have to deal with me confronting him on the fact that we're not ML regularly or as often as I like. And, he knows that I feel undesirable when he's not in the mood. She asked if I feel that way. And I said "not really.. I just figure he's been tired and doesn't feel well" She said "well, in the past, even if that was the case, you might not have been that understanding with him" So, he might be trying to tell you that he wants you, but just isn't feeling well. Maybe he's saying that he's changed too.. he desires you.. knows it looks like he doesn't, but in this case, it's just a matter of physically being up to it right now. In the meantime, he still wants and needs to feel like you desire him and wants you to show it even though it doesnt end in ML. Maybe he sees you not pursuing as you sulking, losing interest in him instead of seeing it as patience.
She might be right. Might not be right. Maybe H needs me to smother him with affection, but feels like I'll only do it if I'm pursuing him for sex. I see laying that affection on him as putting him on the spot when he doesnt feel well. I see it as pursuing him, but he might see it differently. Maybe he just needs me to say what he has said. I want to ML, but I realize you're not feeling well and it's OK. Maybe if I reassure him of my desire, without pointing out that he's saying one thing, but acting another way, the outcome will be more positive. We both feel wanted and needed, but H doesnt feel guilty, and I don't feel like he's trying to control me by withholding sex.
Anybody have any insight into this kind of thing? It didnt occur to me that H might be trying to assure me of his affections because we haven't been ML. I see it as him telling me he desires me, but his actions say something else. He sees my patience as me withdrawing and sulking because he isnt meeting my needs. And I resent him insinuating that I'm mad at him when I'm really trying to be patient and understanding instead of assuming the reason we're not making love is because he lacks desire.
So maybe I started to handle it positively by telling him I'm here if he wants to ML and willing, but then pointing out that he's not acting like he wants to is adding guilt, so he reassures me again and tries to act like I'm denying him so that I can't say that he's the one who doesn't want to ML and then get upset and blame him in the future.
Help! I just want to not be doing this. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't he just say he's not feeling well, I say OK, and when he feels better, we ML like we both want to and in the meantime, have a normal life without all the weird convos about who wants who.. who's fault it is that we're not ML right now, etc. It's WAY too complicated and takes too much energy!!! Crap.. it also ruins the mood and when we finally do ML, we'll both be nervous and tense.
What do I do? Act like we haven't had the convos, but be loving towards him? Give him a nice back rub and love on him, and tell him that I'm sorry he has been feeling bad the last week, but he'll be back to his old self soon and I can't wait to ML to him when he is? What is the simplest solution to stop the cycle and both of us come out of it feeling good about our R, loved and desired?
I know I'm going to have to DB my butt off this afternoon and act as if, or we'll get into the same sitch as yesterday.
