Oh Bud, I wish I had read your post before talking to H this morning on the phone. I needed sane advice! You're right. I have been centered, calm, forward thinking and optimistic.. about MY life. I have been reserving my energy to work on my contributions to the R with H without over compensating for his lack of effort.
He is clearly threatened by me being grounded. The less I respond to his attempts to passively control me, the more frustrated and angry he gets. Last night he started as soon as I walked in the door asking me again if I'm mad at him. I re-assured him that I'm not mad and asked him what I'm doing to give him that impression. He said "nothing". We cooked dinner, ate, played with the kids, etc. He said something about missing me again and I said "H, I'm right here. You don't have to miss me. If you want to ML, you're free to tell me at any time. You haven't been feeling good all week, and if you're feeling neglected I'm sorry, but I can't read your mind. I have figured if you truly want to ML, you'll let me know. And, BTW, you can set the mood for me sometimes too and make an effort. I find it frustrating that you expect me to pick up on your signals and expect me to do it, especially when I know you've been sick and am not sure what you really want." He said (kiddingly) "Oh.. you want me to set the mood for you? I can do that"
We put the boys to bed and I settled in to read a book. He asked a few times what the book is about. Then he said "hey, you want me to bake some cookies for you?" I said "sure". He went into the kitchen and couldnt find the recipe. Me and D11 went and helped him mix the dough. Then he left and got on the computer. I baked the cookies. At one point I left a cookie sheet that needed to be washed off and more dough put on it just to see if he'd put the next batch in the oven. He didn't. He walked into the kitchen, got a cookie and left. He came back as I was taking some out of the oven and said "I didnt mean for you to bake the cookies" I said "well, you left them and I didnt want to take over but was afraid they'd burn. And, I left the sheets out for you to put some dough on, but you ate a cookie and left me with it. Then I asked him why he starts something he wants and leave me to finish it. He just said "I don't know". There was one more batch in the oven and I left him to it. Even then, he went away and didnt take them out before asking if I thought they were done and waiting to see if I was going to take them out. He came in and said he was going to clean up the dishes. He ran some water over the baking sheets, grabbed a couple of cookies and left the kitchen but never cleaned up the dishes. I'd have baked him cookies if he had asked and I told him that. But why doesnt he ask? Why the whole process to get me to do what he wants without just asking?
I asked him for a hug because he seemed to be tense. He turned around and kind of held his stomach and said "I've felt bloated all week. Do I look bloated? I need to take something for it. Then he got in the medicine cabinet and was poking around. I went back into the LR and started reading. He came in and said "hey, I thought you wanted a hug" I said "I did, but after I asked you started talking about being bloated and looking for medicine so I thought I'd let you take care of that. He said "the kids were in the room" I said "no, they were downstairs, and does it matter?" WTF?! It's like he denied me a hug on purpose and then came and asked me why I didnt want the hug. Ugh.. games.
He just called from work and it was more of the same. Him expressing his frustration that we havent ML. I told him that I made it clear that I want to ML to him but havent been sure if he's feeling up to it. He said "I've been sick for a week, but I do want to ML.. I've just been tired" I said "OK, but you don't have to explain to me. I havent been mad at you for being sick or pressuring you to ML. Why have you been whining around like I'm the reason we aren't ML right now when obviously you havent been in the mood?" "You aren't being genuine and honest with me H. You're sick, but you want me to feel bad because we havent ML. You want to point out how much you miss me and desire me and say I'm depriving you, yet when given the opportunity, you don't act on it" He said "you're right, but when you were sick, I didnt make you feel bad about it" I said "I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it!" He said "hey, you're starting to get ugly" I said "no, not getting ugly, I just don't understand why you're playing this game with me" He said "Im not playing games! I want to ML, but I've been sick!" I said "you're the only one making an issue of this H. I've been here all week. We had a day off together thursday. You say you want to ML, but when the opportunity presents itself, you don't make a move" He said "I havent felt good! But you havent made a move either. You could come to bed with me" I said "huh?! Why would I pressure you by coming to bed with you when I know you've been tired and feeling bad? I have no idea what you want from me. Why does this have to be my fault? Why are you making me feel bad because we havent ML, when you havent wanted to because you're not up to it right now?" blah blah.. etc. etc. See what I'm dealing with? It makes no sense. I'm supposed to initiate ML with someone who's sick, and if I do, he won't feel like it. But if I don't I'm supposed to feel bad because I'm depriving him.
It seems like a power struggle to me. In the past, H used sex to punish me. I've always been HD and he knows that. If he's ever felt me distancing myself from him, felt unloved or angry he's used sex to get me to pursue him. I can see that cycle in our R over and over. If he needs to feel desired, or wants to send a message that he's not happy, he rejects my advances. Before he does that though, he makes comments about how much he wants to ML.. then when I try to initiate, he puts it off until a future time with an excuse. The general amount of time until he decides he wants to ML is two weeks. In the meantime, I'm doing all I can to be desirable and pet him, show him affection and make him feel wanted and my self esteem plummets. He tells me he desires me and wants to ML, but his actions show that he doesn't. When I ask he says I'm being crazy or selfish because A or B is really the reason we aren't ML and I should know that! Well... if I'm not pursuing, I think I must take that weapon away because he's getting very frustrated that I'm not pursuing him for sex right now. I KNOW any attempts this week would have been met with rejection. And really, I haven't been in the mood to play the game because I see the cycle and it's wrong to continue it. If I say it's OK that we're not ML right now, he gets needy and clingy and steps up his efforts to lure me into the cycle. Like last night. He said "Oh.. you want me to set the mood for you? I can do that!".. but then we had two hours of time alone and he didnt make an effort. But, before he went to bed, he hugged me and told me how much he misses me and he's sorry I've been mad and we havent been ML. WTF! I'm not mad.. not mad except that I've been accused of being mad and accused of depriving him, and accused of being at fault because we havent ML because he's tired and has had a raging headache!
I swear.. if I didnt know better.. I'm married to a woman. I've kept up with the games for years and been an active participant, but I don't have the energy for it. I don't have the desire to even figure out why we've played this game. I know that H is expecting after our phone call this morning, that I'll make an effort to resolve the ML problem this evening. It's my part of this cycle. When it gets to this point and is so frustrating and emotionally charged (except this time, I'm not feeling very emotional about it), I find a way to fix it because I'm tired of arguing, he gives in, we ML and he makes a comment about how we shouldnt wait so long, or I should ML to him more often. It's past time for me to get needy, clingy and whiney because he doesn't want ME, but I don't feel that way. I figure we'll agree to ML because we both want it, or it won't happen.
So, I'm stuck right now. If I continue to not initiate ML, he'll continue to tell me he misses me and I'm depriving him. If I give in and initiate, he may or may not be willing and if he is, we'll end up in a convo about how it was my fault we waited so long. And eventually, I'll get mad and say "why is it we only ML twice a month?" He'll get angry and the cycle will start over.
It's funny. I hate it that the bomb dropped, but it removed us from the cycles we created for years. H is easing us back into those "comfortable" cycles. But, I've been out of them long enough that I can stand back and see them for what they are. And, seeing them, I don't want to play that part anymore. H is giving little effort to communicating right now or changing the dynamics of our R. He's made a few false starts for a week or two, but when he pulls me closer, he starts being passively controlling like he has in the past. Like he's trying to reel me in close enough that I'll be comfortable and go back to all the games we used to play so that he can be comfortable again.
Not gonna happen this time! I'm still centered today. I love him, but I can't allow myself to be a part of the destructive cycles any longer. There are so many of them. Like with the cookies.. sounds silly I know, but it's a pattern. He starts something, I jump in and do the work to finish it and make it right. When I don't rise to the occasion, he gives up. Sheila will fix it. Maybe he's an acts of service guy? Don't know, but I do know that I'm no puppet and I'm going to give from my heart what I want to give from now on unless he's willing to tell me what he needs in a way that's not passively controlling or manipulating. The bad part is, I know he sees this very negatively and is likely to withdraw and get angry. If I'm not there fixing everything, he thinks I'm mad at him.
Right now he's wanting to know if my Mom bought a new car. He called a friend to check and see if she's getting a good deal. We believe she is, but may be getting screwed on the financing. I gave her the info and told here that if she needs anything else, to let us know. We can buy the car cheaper here and bring it to her, but it's her choice. He kept on and on about did I tell her that Paul will make her a good deal? I said "yes, but it's her decision and I don't really feel like a trip to OH to deliver a car unless she needs us to." He kept asking me to call her last night. I said "she said she'd call and tell me if she has a new car and I'm busy and dont want to be on the phone for an hour" He kept dialing her. I said "dont call her, talk to her for a minute, then hand me the phone, OK? I really want to finish what I'm doing first" He thought it was funny. I didnt find it funny, but didnt say anything more. He tried to call until the time he went to bed. He does that all the time to me.. calls her, talks for a sec and hands me the phone. He gets what he wants and leave me holding the bag.
What do I do? Refuse to react to his passive control, yet be loving and giving in other ways? I've been trying to do that, but maybe I'm not acting as if enough? If it wasnt frustrating, it would be humorous. Is there really any hope in breaking this cycle. If it was normal give and take, I wouldnt mind. But it isnt that. Most of the things he gets me to do passively, I'd do if he asked or just do it anyway, but the elaborate game is so clear to me and disturbing. Why do we play these games. If I stop, will H stop?
