Hi Bud! Thanks for checking on me I think things are kind of indifferent right now. It's been an uneventful week for me.

I think H would say that I've been mad at him most of the week, but I haven't. I've taken a stand on a couple of issues and he hasn't liked it. He gets right back into that "I promise I'll do better" mode and spins his wheels attempts to smooth things over and then keeps a close eye on how I'm feeling.

I feel differently about that cycle than I have in the past. It used to make me feel helpless, but now I realize that I have a choice. I've backed off contributing to the cycle by not being so vocal, or telling H what he should do. I express my feelings, but am learning to put responsibility on his shoulders. I have an opinion, but now I know that I don't have to share it just because I think it. And, I realize too that I have a choice about whether or not to continue our R and I'll be OK if I decide that this isn't something I want to be a part of long term. Depends on if our R becomes a sitch that adds to my life, or if it continues to subtract from it. It comes back to what you said on my last thread.. about matters of practicality. H and I CAN work this out, but do I want to since we're still struggling with issues that have been a problem for years and years with no resolution? We can be loving and close, but practically, is he someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? I'm not sure. I'm not in a hurry to make the decision, but although our R is changing for the better, he isnt becoming much more responsible (just a little.. I'm hoping it's baby steps), or less passive. I'm not sure he's decided that he needs that for himself or is willing to work on that.. so, the ball will continue to be in my court to decide when I've given the R enough time and if I can handle a long-term R with H if he doesn't change.

I've been taking good care of myself. I've been going to the gym regularly and reading. Not reading R books, but reading for relaxation. I picked up a couple of beginner yoga tapes yesterday and D11 and I are gonna give it a try this evening. I'm determined to lead the life I want to live regardless of what H does or doesn't do. He can contribute to a good life together or not, but I'm not going to allow him to de-rail me from my goals any longer.

So, the indifference. I have no idea where this is going, but unfortunately, it all looks too familiar for me to be thrilled. The positive is that things aren't emotionally charged and negative. I'm not spending so much time analyzing myself and H and our R. We're the same people we've always been.. hopefully changing together for a stronger R, but I can only do my part. I know I'm capable of having a happy, healthy, loving R with a man. I regret that I've let the last year throw me into the tail spin that it has and make me doubt myself and feel guilty for not being perfect. I'm sane, smart, fun, attractive, healthy, honest, compassionate and understanding. I'm also a wonderful mother and loyal friend. I've spent the last 6 months trying to change some of that. Trying to not be so responsible and driven.. not be a fixer or caretaker. But, it's who I am. I'm not a controlling b*tch.. never have been. I like to take care of the people I love and I like to be taken care of too. If H views me saying that his financial irresponsibility and dishonesty is wrong as trying to control him. Then well, that's his problem. I still think he should be a more responsible husband and father and don't mind saying it if it needs to be said. I'll always think lying is WRONG and if confronting the lies and being angry about them makes him think I'm a b*tch.. then that is also his problem. The fact is.... the other people in my life don't mind that I'd expect them to be mature, financially responsible and honest when dealing with me. They expect the same out of me and I'd want them to point it out if I was making decisions that would destroy my family. H needs to grow up, get a clue, and stop trying to convince me that our problems are a problem of perception on my part. I contribute to them sure, but if I was out of the picture, he'd still be facing the same problems in his life.. and I wouldn't be around to clean up the messes he makes.

I'm getting stronger I sense H trying to pull me back into the drama, but I'm not budging. He's been passively snippy the last couple of days. He's been whining because we haven't ML (he's been feeling under the weather), yet he hasn't tried to initiate it either. He's blaming it on me being mad (I havent been), me not taking his "hints" (umm??? I dont get hints.. meet me naked in the shower and I'll understand that. DOH!) Basically, I think he's stirring things up to provoke my anger because it's always been motivating for him in some way. Well, I'm not angry, I'd ML with him if I knew he was feeling OK and initiated it. I love him, but am not taking the bait to argue so he can vent and feel better and blame it on me. He's called me three times in the last two hours and asked me if I'm mad at him.. I've said "no". That's all he's getting. I'm not.. I'm not asking him why he thinks that.. I'm not gonna tell him it's irritating when he asks, and I'm not gonna let it p*ss me off when he huffs before hanging up the phone. I've got a new book to read... I'm going home and making stuffed pizza.. doing yoga with Brooke, taking a hot bath, painting my nails and reading before bed. Somewhere in between I'm going to start a tickle fight with the boys so I can hear their laughter, and hopefully H will join in and have a happy night too. If he wants to ML.. he'll let me know. I'm not going to initiate it just because he's been hinting for a week and whining. I used to go all out making sure that I responded to his passive clues, but this time, he needs to find the way himself. I mean, I wish I could just say "I miss you" to someone and they'd start lighting candles, setting the mood, wearing something sexy to please me. H is going to have to learn that he gets the best results by taking action and not saying words.. that I'm not his puppet that he can set in motion by passive comments and body language. If he wants some tonight he might want to set the mood for me for a change.. run a bath, light some candles, and make an effort. On the other hand, if I decide I'm in the mood, I'll initiate it because I want to.. not because it's been awhile and he's getting impatient, or we're drifting apart.

Thanks again for asking Bud. I didnt know that I needed to vent a little, but apparently I did I feel better now. I'm feeling stronger.. it's gonna be all right and I don't have to be in a hurry... I'm OK today and not worried about the future.