That's where a lot of my fear and sadness is coming in. Also, watching my H step up is very scary to me. I can't figure out if the fear and sadness is due to the loss of control or if it's because I now have to focus on my "stuff". And I can see how we'd fear, but the sadness.. I don't understand that emotion coming to the surface in me. I went through a two week period of extreme sadness. I know I mourn the R we used to have, but really the R we have now is more genuine. Maybe I get sad because I don't recognize my life like I used to. A loss of security of knowing where we are and what the future holds. I had finally gotten to the place in our R where I was comfortable looking to a future with H. I envisioned us together forever, raising the kids, our retirement, etc. Was so sure of our love for each other. Looking back and realizing how I ignored H's slide into depression and his mood changes, I feel bad. I was holding the vision of our happy little family so tightly that I couldnt see it unraveling.
Woke up to a little sadness this morning. Not sure why, but as soon as I opened my eyes, the realization that H still works with OW hit me. I was out with GFs last night and only saw him for a couple of minutes. I could feel myself wandering back into the doubt and thinking "did I miss something?" It's been a good week.. what have I missed and what is he REALLY up to? Pushed those thoughts out of my mind and thought of the positives. The doubt doesnt take over as much as it used to, but it's still there lurking.
H kissed me goodnight Thurs and was looking into my eyes. It was a searching kind of look. Made me uneasy. I asked him about the look and he said he was just looking to find the love in my eyes. I've become aware of how he does that (I do it too). How he listens to my tone of voice to get a clue..just a very concious awareness of body language. I wonder about that because I've thought so much that H manipulates me and when I noticed the searching look, I wondered if he was trying to figure out if he has me where he wants me. It's hard to explain.. like checking if his latest expression of love was working on me or not. There again is the doubt. Doubting that he's being geniune and not just engineering the situation to get a desired result. Faking it I guess, and seeing if it's working? I have to let go of the notion that our R is just a manipulation for him to get what he wants. I know it's more that he is trying to satisfy himself about how I feel and that it's OK for him to start feeling safe. He's insecure, and it's normal for him to look for signs that our R is getting better. I do it too. I haven't been as outspoken about my feelings the last couple of weeks so I'm sure he's having to adjust to that. I haven't mentioned one time that ending our R is an option. I promised I wouldnt do that.. blackmail him that way or instill that fear into our efforts. Maybe he's also having a hard time accepting that I've changed and am not "just looking for a way out of our R".
Time will tell! I need to set some personal goals. H and I are working on our R goals, but I need to move myself forward. Been stuck working on this R for so long and letting other things slide. I have no clue what my personal goals might be. My goals have always revolved around H or the kids, or work. I have things that I'd like to accomplish, but I'd have to take effort away from my family to do that. I know it's the healthy thing to do, but it'll mean me letting go a little more. It's hard!
