OMG.. we do have a lot in common! It's strange how our parents affect us. I thought I'd put all my childhood "scars" behind me long ago. I've told my sister that we're adults now and it would help her to realize that she's in control of her life now. Guess I owe her an apology!
Strange day.. I was a p*ssy b*tch most of the day for absolutely no reason except that I realize I have so much work to do on myself that it's overwhelming to think of it. I told H that my life was happy, organized, on schedule and satisfying before he started wrestling with depression and I miss that feeling of control. I miss the life we had, but we can't get back there without going forward through a lot of work and changes. This whole ordeal is making me re-evaluate things I've taken for granted, and that's scary.
H was very supportive and heard me out. He had an appt with his psych and they're going to meet more often. He talked to our MC and is going to get some things worked through with him before I continue to go again. He's stepping up to the plate in a way I never thought he would. I expressed to him that I feel like our tidy little life is total chaos now and instead of defending our life and saying how it's not as bad as I think, he asked "how can I help?" "what can we do to make this better?" I told him that I'd lost a grip on so much around here and I'm frustrated. We used to have a routine that worked and I miss that. Mostly just basic running the household details that have went by the wayside and I can't seem to get back on track. He said we'd sit down and talk about it this afternoon.. and we did! He even sat and talked with the kids and talked to them about it and explained that although things got off track, it was time for us all to pull together and work together as a family. I was proud of him. The kids got up from the dinner table and cleaned their plates off.
After the boys took a bath they took their dirty clothes to the laundry, brushed their teeth and dressed on their own. Even S2 dried himself off without help and was saying "I can do it!" Small stuff I know, but for someone who's used to doing everything for everyone it means a lot. Mostly it means so much that H cares enough to take action when it's needed. He hugged me and told me to quit worrying, that we're going to be OK and that he'll always be here when I need him. He was talking about his parents and how they raised him to not talk about problems and deny them. He said "if you dont talk about it, it doesnt exist. But that's not solving anything" I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get him to understand that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Since I've dropped the rope, he's starting to think things through and come to his own conclusions. Amazing.. I've read so much about how Rs get out of balance and one person becomes the over-doer and the other does less and less. But if the person who does to much stops, the other will eventually start picking up their part of the responsibility again. I didnt believe that would work with H, but it appears that I was wrong. Down to the littlest things that he would usually ignore. Like, I commented that the cats are spilling their water in the kitchen and it makes the floor slick. I just walked in there and he had put a towel under their bowl in case they spill again. This cannot be my H!
I think the scales are getting back into balance here. I'm also changing. I used to be the rock around here and I don't feel so strong anymore. I say H is secretive, and he is, but I've also kept my feelings inside alot in the past. I've been outspoken, but sharing my thoughts, fears, frustrations with H has been hard. He used to discount my feelings or ignore them. He listens now, and I feel free to tell him what's going on in my life. Personal things I wouldnt have shared with him before because he wouldnt understand. He actually gave me advice today.. which is new. He told me to relax and enjoy my accomplishments and stop fretting about the next step in my career. At first, I didnt hear what he was saying, then I brushed off the comment. Then I thought about it and realized that he's absolutely right. I'm at a good place in my career.. happy with my work and right now I need to be focusing my energy on our family. My boss has had me stirred up for a couple of weeks because he wants to move me into a team leader job and senior management is dragging their feet. But I thought about it and H is right.. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and let my boss worry about that. The pay would be nice, but I'd rather drop the rope and not have that worry on my mind.
Thanks for listening. My goal is to keep doing what we're doing and to not pick the rope back up. Concentrate on what I can control and let others worry about their stuff. I'm fighting with myself over trusting H, but for now, I'm gonna give him blind trust and see where he takes us. He clearly is driving the bus right now, and it's hard, but maybe he'll take us to better places if I get out of his way.
