So, getting to the point of the post above. I was thinking about our convo on the way home and I realized that maybe she is right and I'm "clueless". Not that I need to acknowledge whether a man is flirting or not, but that I'm not tuned into positive comments or attention that comes my way. I tend to shrug it off as unimportant, or maybe unbelievable. When I was reflecting I was thinking about a close GF through high school. I rarely dated and she dated alot. When we were out, the guys were most interested in her and I accepted that. Now I wonder if that was reality, or if it was just my take on the sitch and me mirroring my feelings about myself. I've always told people that sometimes I need to be hit in the head with a brick and I don't take hints very well. But that's not necessarily true. I've made a career of picking up on every negative thing that H says and does and saying that it proves he doesn't love me or care about me.
Why is it that I notice those signals, but don't give as much weight to the times that he shows me he cares, loves me, etc? Is it because he truly does so many things that are negative towards me, or is it because I brush that aside and acknowledge only that which supports how I feel about myself?
How do I change that, if that's the case? I don't think I'm unattractive or unloveable. Or do I? I won't admit to feeling that way. Growing up I was always the chubby red-headed girl. But, that changed as I got older and I'm aware of that. Is it possible that deep down, I'll always see myself as the chubby red-headed girl that no man would be attracted to? The little girl that daddy criticized and felt like she couldnt do enough to earn his love? That is a very frightening thought for me.. If that's the case, how do I turn that around?
It seems like that might go hand and hand with me relaxing my boundaries with H. I've said over and over that lying and cheating our deal breakers for me, yet I remain in this R. It scares me because I wonder when things get back to "normal" how long it'll be before I realize he can't meet my needs. I hold onto a R that history says isn't healthy for me. Why do I accept that? Is it another way to uphold how I feel about myself and that I have to earn respect and love instead of believing that everyone, including myself deserves those things in their relationships?
Long rambling two posts. I know I sound like a lunatic probably.. but I know I need to get to the heart of the cycles I help create. I want to believe that we can fix this R, and I want to recognize the positives. I also though, don't want to deny that sometimes people can't change and lie to myself about H's ability to be honest and responsible in the future. I want our R.. yet I fear it.
