Hey Sikan! Keep building GF That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks - build/destroy/build. That's exactly what I've been doing. WHY do we do that?

JOURNALLING:

Wednesday. Evil hump day for me. I don't know why I always wake up in such a funk in the middle of the week. It's weird. I'm thinking about that and what it has to do with how I'm living life right now. What causes "the mood", and what I can do to help myself have better Weds in the future. Realizing this morning that I'm feeling off and it's Weds is progress for me. I've usually torn halfway through the day before I think about it.

The first thing I did was have negative thoughts about H. Which is interesting. I feel bad and then I start looking for how he's made me feel bad, what he's doing, what he's not doing, etc. Looking to pin the blame on H because something is wrong. Poor H. He was so sweet this morning. He kissed me good-bye and hugged me tight before leaving. He has to wake me up to do that, but I've asked him to as it helps both of us to start our day feeling loved. He left a sweet note by my coffee cup and an ILY message on my voicemail. That's pretty amazing that he'll make that effort at 4AM and he does it almost every day.

I called him and told him that I woke up in a mood and he was sweet. Asked me to read the note and listen to my voicemail and see if it helps. It did. Then he called back to check on me again before I left the house. I know yesterday afternoon he was working with OW and I had some emotions about that. Not strong emotions, but a little sadness. I hate her being within eyesight of him.

He petted me and reassured me that he only has eyes for me and it helped. Dang, sometimes it seems that I'm either a b*tch or a big baby. But, I have to keep reminding myself that expressing my emotions truthfully and allowing H to respond is healthy and important for us. If I had let that sadness fester, even though it was just a little thing, I would have turned it into a major anger episode by dredging up everything all over again so he can understand how much he hurt me and I DESERVE for him to comfort me. Asking for comfort and dealing with the reality of my feelings without blowing them out of proportion (or always turning them to anger) to justify my needs is working much better for us.

I'm doing much better now and know it'll be a great day My boss is taking us to lunch today and I'll have the afternoon off. H and I will have some time alone before the kids get home, and I'm looking forward to it! This Weds is going to be different because I choose to make it different!

Mostly good news. Still some things that H is dragging his feet on, but I'm not focusing on that. I'm hoping that every day will bring him a little closer to doing the things we need him to be doing. He saw the Dr. and his testosterone levels are a little low. Not much, but that and one of his meds is what's effecting his SD. They are going to wean him off the med and give him a hormone boost to see if it helps. By the time he went to the Dr., we'd already ML a couple of times and everything was fine.. decided to try to help the problem instead of fretting on it and worrying, and what do you know.. it helped to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm proud of H that he allowed himself to be vulnerable in that way and try.

Still trying to keep my PMA up so I don't drag us back into a bad place. H has been in a great mood.. was dancing like a fool with the kids last night. He asked if I minded if he relaxed on the bed while I was cooking dinner. Small thing, but not for H. He chose to take care of himself rather than deal with us and be stressed. So instead of a snippy, stressed out Dad, the kids got a dancing, goofy dad to play with after dinner. And, he went to bed early and didnt feel like snuggling with me. I'm so proud of him that he spoke up and told me what he needs instead of going with what he thinks I need just to make me happy. He even told me what he'd like me to make him for lunch instead of saying "dont worry about it" like he usually does. I hope that means he's gaining the self confidence to realize that there's something on earth besides trying to please me and spinning his wheels doing that!