BB.. thanks for your keen advice to hang in there until Jan. I think our pact has helped me not to give up on a daily basis when my brain starts processing "what ifs"!
Journalling:
Got home last night to a happy household and H was cooking dinner. He's been off with the kids this week too and they haven't quite drove him crazy yet! He was in a playful mood with the boys and I love to watch them together. I think the break from work has been good for him.
He's still actively pursuing another job. I faxed his resume yesterday and made copies for him to send to somewhere else. He was in touch with a friend that thinks there's a good chance of him getting offered a job with his company. H shared his feelings with me about how he's "screwed up" and has to give up the security of his current job. We talked a bit about that, and I told him that honestly, if I know we're moving in the right direction, I could handle him keeping this job. He said "no, it's not a good idea". I still don't worry about him working with OW, but I have anger and resentment from the lies he's told about that and that he didn't start looking for a job for months even though he knew I was hurting. Now that that intense pain is gone, he's looking. What to do? I know he doesnt want to face me constantly being upset because he works there and that's motivating the job search. I don't know how to convince him that he's free to do what he wants. That he's proven to me that she doesn't matter to him. I've really wanted him to just acknoweledge my pain that he was unwilling to do what it took at the time to help our M. Does that make sense? And, I need him to understand how it made me feel when he wasn't willing to confront OW directly about their R when it ended. I'm looking for validation? Because the real issue is how he has downplayed my feelings and made excuses.
We read a little of marriage builders last night before bed and had a great talk about our needs. We discussed past infidelity and the reasons for it.. the needs involved. He talked at length about his experiences and how he felt. How he felt with OW during and after. And he answered a question I'd asked a million times and for the first time, he understood why I needed him to answer it truthfully, and that it really didnt matter what the answer was. It mattered that I knew the truth. We talked about how it feels to search for something outside our M and what might make us do that. He said that he doesnt see that he was looking to have a need met. The underlying cause of his infidelities was because the OW didnt know his flaws and it was to feel like he was loveable and desirable. I apologized to him for not giving him the admiration that he needs. He said that it's OK, he's insecure and does things that aren't admirable and he wants to run from my knowledge of who he is. The we talked about communicating and how we're supposed to work together to solve problems and help each other to be the people we want to be and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. I finally admitted to him how I feel when I'm angry and the emotions under that anger that I hide from him. How helpless he makes me feel when he doesn't confide in me and let me help him through his problems. I shared with him a friendship that I've had where the man lets me be there for him in that way and how it leads to intimacy that I don't have in our M. It's a R that he knows about and that I avoid, but I think it helped us to talk about it and how valued I feel if he shares with me.
We talked about affection and what it means to us. We made a list of how we each can meet the other's need for affection. A specific list of things that will make us feel loved and cherished. It was interesting! I never knew my H likes me to play with his hair and touch his face. hmmm. He didnt know that there is a way that he can hold me that makes me feel so loved and close to him. We're very affectionate, but know the specific feelings that different actions create is going to help. If I want him to feel special and cherished now, instead of giving him a quick hug and saying I love him, I know that walking up and stroking his arm or touching him lightly, looking him in the eye and saying nothing is a better way to send that message to him.
I gave H a long back rub and he talked a little more to me. He seemed very relaxed. Then we watched a little TV and didnt talk at all. I made some brownies (his favorite) and we ate them together. No tension in the air at all, and I didnt feel like we had any "issues" I needed to vent and have recognized. Oh, and we talked about needing to have "couple" rituals and things just for us. We've alway had kids around and have missed out on some of that, or let those things fall away.
Anyway, I have to get off here and get the kids out of the house. H wants to watch the football game in peace. We talked about that too! And that he wants me to keep playing golf with him and take an interest in sports. That will take some effort, but I think we'll get there! I do know that he and OW shared that in common.. she's a jock and they talked sports all the time. So, I'm gonna have to work on my game face!
