Point being is that trust is really hard to define. Simply saying that you don't trust someone isn't enough. In my case, I really need to examine why I am so caught up on one or two issues that seem to define trust in my R. hmmm.. I've never thought about this, but it's definately worth some thought. H says he tells the truth 98% of the time and doesnt mean to hurt me even if he knows its wrong to deceive me. And considering the things that he does that are outstanding for our R, I need to think about this too.
Both my DB counselor and my therapist have said to me, "so what if H was friends with OW for the rest of his life? He comes home to you every night, his life is committed to you, etc... You are the woman in his life, not she." It's funny that you should mention this. When I asked H how he got through after our D and I had a R with someone while we were apart. And I asked him how he dealt with knowing I was with someone, and still saw them at work, he said just that "You came home to me every night. I had the opportunity to make you happy, so I focused on that. You were here and as long as you walked through that door every night.. I was the person you wanted to be with - period." He didnt leave himself room to doubt me, wonder, or worry about the future. He said it was hard, but at least he didnt spend time tearing down our times together with his doubts. I wish often that I would be that strong for him right now and not let my emotions erode the positives in our R.
Hang in there GF! I'll visit your thread in a bit and see what's going on.
JOURNALLING:
Just a quick journal. The last couple of days have been good. Started with a crying jag the night before last. H was sleeping alone in the bedroom upstairs and his alarm woke me up at 3:30 (kids!). I couldnt go back to sleep, so I went up and crawled in bed beside him. He held me and said "this feels nice". I went back to my bed after about 15 mins, but I thought it was nice to be held awhile too.
Yesterday morning H asked to talk to me and we had a nice long talk. Very calm talk and he shared a lot of what he's feeling with me. He isn't clingy or needy at all, but he is saying that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We discussed some of the ways that I feel he's been dishonest in what he says and does. He had "excuses" for alot of it, but I think he's realizing the toll it's taken on me. He seemed worried and asked me to let him do the work, but to give us a chance. He said he wants the "Sheila he's known for all these years back." It's reminiscent of me saying "I want my H back" when he was in his deep funk. It was an eye opener to me.. how much my attitude has changed and how I've allowed our sitch to impact me. Not good!
We took the kids shopping for winter clothes. H was WONDERFUL all day. He doesnt enjoy shopping. He didnt lose his cool once all day long. He ran interference with the boys and let me do what I needed.. helping them try on, etc. He waited patiently while we got our hair cut. He took the boys to the toy store so D11 and I could jewelry shop on our own. Was all and all.. just relaxed and being a Dad. Didnt hurry us ONE time.. yahoo! Then I got the kids and let him do all the sports and university shops. He smiled so big when D11 and I returned and I said "OK, you take off and look at hats, or whatever and we'll catch up". By the time we left the mall, my cold meds had worn off and I was sneezing. He stopped and got picked up medicine (without me asking) and a drink so I wouldnt have to wait until I got home to have it. So thoughtful
Then last night I stayed and had a quiet evening with the boys while H took D11 to her game. Didnt want me or S2 out in that chilly air after being so sick this week. He called a couple of times while he was there just to chat and see how the boys were doing (they were a handful yesterday, but precious! S2 dropped his drawers in the middle of Sears because he thought I wanted him to try on his pants..lol)
We hadnt really touched the last few days at all. A quick hug maybe or a peck on the cheek. Not much physical contact the last week. But H asked if he could come to bed with me last night... said he missed sleeping with me. He has a Dr. appt Monday to get a physical and see what the problem is with ML. At one point yesterday he hugged me so gently and reassured me that the problem isnt with me and that he thinks I'm more desirable and sexy with every day that goes by. He was so sincere and sweet about it. Last night he offered to give me a back rub and ended up . Of course! Still not entirely back to normal, but there is such a quality of caring about H that I've missed for a long time. In fact, it might not have been as heated as the last few months have been, but on an emotional level, it was much more. One of the counselors told him that a wife should be treated like a most precious possession and her heart handled with care. That's how H has been treating me, and it's refreshing.
Today he went to the library and picked up the marriage builder books. We looked at the web site a little last night. Had talked about reading it together before, but H didnt really ever pick the material up. But, I just talked to him awhile ago and he's been reading already. He said he really wants us to read it together. So, I'm hopeful.
Still a little worried about his depression and meds. But all in all, if I can keep my PMA, H is trying so hard to show me that he wants our M to work. I just pray that he is without temptation to lie for a little bit anyway. But, I know that I need to build his trust that I can handle whatever he needs to tell me and work through it with him.
Oh, and have to say quickly after melting down with focusing on our R so much. I'm learning that I need to be doing things that make me happy and healthy. I drove my car to work for the first time in a few weeks this morning. H usually takes it because it gets better gas mileage. I discovered that I really LOVE my car and miss driving it. I was so happy by the time I got to work..listening to my tunes (CD player in the van is not working!)... I miss my music. It really heals my soul. I'm going to drive home with the sun roof open and the music cranked too! And, I told H that I miss my car.. and he said.. "then you should drive your car. I don't care about the gas money" Yay.
. Of course! Still not entirely back to normal, but there is such a quality of caring about H that I've missed for a long time. In fact, it might not have been as heated as the last few months have been, but on an emotional level, it was much more. One of the counselors told him that a wife should be treated like a most precious possession and her heart handled with care. That's how H has been treating me, and it's refreshing.
