Hi slowly, thanks for the encouragement! It has been rough here since that post. H isn't sleepin in our bed, and I would say that's a bad thing, but I think it might be space that we both need right now. We both want our R to work, but that is something that can't be rushed as we keep falling back into our old habits. We're both trying hard to change, but it's hard to admit that we are going to have to wait and build our R into something more positive.
The get-together idea might work! I mentioned this for his bday in Jul, but it was so soon after OW. I'm hoping the holidays will give us an opportunity to do that. We'll see. He has a need for that 'privacy' in his life. Maybe it's something that he has that I can't try to control! I'm probably going to have to do a lot to prove to him that he can trust me. He has said that he's trying to protect me (OW), but I think he's afraid it will just add fuel to the fire and I'd find a reason to be upset if I saw into that part of his world.
It is difficult not to take lack of intimacy personally Yes, almost impossible. We both have intimacy issues. We try to be close, but deep down, we have the same negative tapes running in our heads that keep us from achieving that emotional closeness. H said the other night that maybe part of the problem is that we're not intimately connected and we need to work on that first.
When we get close, I start looking for signs that it's safe to be close to him. But right now, with his depression and the struggles that go with it, there's a lot of work to be done. It really isn't safe for me to depend on him to take care of me emotionally. He doesn't have the skills. He's said it over and over, but I've missed it. He's said "I need to learn", and "I'm working on it". That's a willingness to change and learn, so it's a start.
For my part, I have so much work to do on myself. I crave intimacy and to get that need met, I relax my boundaries. For instance, I can't feel safe with someone that hides things from me and doesn't share. I've said that before... lying and secrecy is a deal breaker for me. When I attempt to stay intimately close to H, but don't expect him to have an open heart, I set myself up for disappointment and hurt. He just can't do it right now, and because of that, he's not someone that I can have that kind of R with right now.
I love him, I care for him and I think we could have a great M. For now though, all we can maintain is a loving friendship. Until we learn to respect each others feelings and appreciate what we do have, it'll be very hard to build it into more. I hope to encourage him to open up to me, and to become someone that he can do that with. It's not in his nature, so I'm not sure if that can change. He said the other night that I know more about him than anyone. That's a start. I believe he wants to be emotionally close to someone, and by all appearances he wants that with me.
We need to build trust. I used to have a sign on the fridge that said "Home is a Safe Place". Our home hasn't been a safe place for either of us in over a year. It should be a safe place for him to recover from his depression with help instead of judgement. It should be a safe place for me to not wonder if H is hiding something that is going to hurt.
He said he is going to seek more intense counseling. He's suggested that I go to. Not sure if I will or not. I'm learning that digging up the past and focusing on what went wrong brings me down. H has given me space the last couple of days and it's done wonders. It keeps me from working so hard to build closeness that we can't have right now. It keeps me from resenting my efforts and not seeing results. I gave it everything I had for four months while he was sitting back and I resent that. The last two months have been a downward spiral for me brought on by that resentment. So, I'm going to give what I can. I have an easy time being a loving friend to him, but anything more than that, he's going to have to meet me halfway.
I haven't expressed any of this to H. His sleeping in the other room was on a bad note. He's not sulking and we're getting along fine right now. Loving distance. I don't know how to talk to him about this or if I should. I'm afraid that he'll see my pulling away as rejection. It isn't. We just aren't able to maintain the level of closeness that we both want right now. It puts him in a position of hiding things from me so that he doesn't lose that, and it puts me in a position of trying to feel safe with someone who isn't honest.
Any suggestions on how to handle a discussion about this with him? I'm also afraid that he'll get comfortable with this arrangement, but I can't control that. I'm afraid that we'll get along so well as friends and parents that he'll choose to stop there where it's safe and comfortable. Or maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, it needs to be safe and comfortable as friends and parents before it becomes safe and comfortable in a more intimate relationship. I do know after awhile, I'd become dis-satisfied and want more. If I'm not visibly unhappy, he thinks things are going great and our R is where it should be and back to normal. But inside, I might be feeling that I'm being patient and waiting, but not satisfied that we're where we need to be. Is that the cart before the horse? Anna mentioned that I might be messing up building our R by trying to work on it. And maybe that's what it'll take. Allowing H to have the security of me being happy with how things are today, but striving a little every day to make it more without pushing the issue.
What do you think? Suggestions from the experienced would be appreciated!
I sincerely want to change and keep our M. I have been wanting H to make the changes and thinking it will make things good between us, but I'm part of the cycle and it's going to take me facing my demons too.
