Had a good evening last night with H after the kids went to bed. He was tired so I petted him a little. I can tell he has a lot on his mind right now. He seems to be backsliding a bit back into his depression. I asked if he thinks going back to two doses of his meds would help. He's going to try it, but I know the side effects drive him crazy (shaky hands, and nervous energy, having a hard time remembering things).
He started reading DR a couple of weeks ago, but hasnt picked it up in a few days. I asked him if he wanted to read a little together before we went to bed and he said "sure". He had mentioned before when we were arguing that I should share what I'm reading with him and help him rather than wait for him to bring it up. OK, I can try that!
We read just a little about the myths, number one, about does arguing and anger mean a marriage is doomed to fail. We talked about how we express our anger differently. And he raised his eyebrows when he was reading about the effects of keeping feelings bottled up inside. I had a chance to tell him how I feel when he doesn't share with me. He had a chance to tell me how he feels when I let my feelings bottle up and then vent them all at once. He said he understands the trust isn't there for me right now and he can deal with that. But he did share something that bothers him a lot. He said it hurts him when something happens and I automatically think the worst possible outcome.
For instance, a guy that he works with left a message on our voicemail saying he was calling to see how the test turned out. It upset me a little because I had no idea who Steve is..never heard of him. I have issues with H not sharing his work life with me at all. I've never known anyone that he works with unless it's a friend we have outside of work to begin with. He goes to work and his experience there is like a black hole to me. After the bomb, our friend Danny said he acts different at work, and now I feel like I don't know who H is when he's not with me. After hearing the message and thinking about it, and remembering how H said he hope he doesnt have to go back to work there after his vacation (hopes to be offered another job), I started wondering if he failed his re-certification test. Ugh...I asked him that and he got very upset. He said the guy was calling to see how my stress test went. And I said "why would someone I dont know care about my stress test?" So, it bothers him when I ASSume the worst. I need to work on that!
Had a bummer of a prob come up this morning. I'm hoping that I can act as if it's not bothering me today! Pre-bomb H and I had differences in our SD levels. I was always HD and he was LD. We ML about 3 times a month maybe. I didnt like that, but got used to it. Thought we were in a rut or something, but have learned that making an issue of it doesnt help. I posted in the sexual issues board that it took it's toll on me. I started detaching during because any time I tried to assert myself in bed it turned out badly. He had his way to do it and any deviation affected his ability to perform. Then after the bomb, he said we were in a rut and needed to spice things up. (Duh!) I couldn't believe he said that to me because I was always the one who wanted to try different things, but whatever! I've posted that one of the side effects of his meds, or him coming out of depression has been HD from him. It's been wonderful. It's also been hard for me to adjust, but it's gotten easier for me to relax and enjoy his revitalized sexuality. I was getting pretty durn comfortable with that!
The last month-6 weeks have been slow in that area for us. He was sick, we had a lot going on with the kids going back to school, then I was feeling bad, so not much going on in the bedroom. The last time we ML, I noticed that he wasnt as supercharged as he had been for a couple of months, but didnt really think much about it. He also hasnt been initiating ML, but he's always been considerate if he thinks Im tired or not feeling well.
Well this morning I found out why I guess, but the way I found out kind of hurts. LSS, he couldnt finish. He says it's the meds, and that he's seen a difference in his desire the last month. He hasn't mentioned it to me, and I found out during ML. I cried a little, because that's definately not what my self esteem needs right now (I know that's selfish and not what he needs right now!). But he said it's not me, etc. I believe that, but what I can't understand is him not mentioning it and letting me find out that way. It goes back to him not sharing with me. I find out about his problems whether money related, his family, sexual, whatever when they impact me and not before. Would it have been so bad for him to say "hey, I dont know what's going on with my meds, but I havent been feeling aroused lately" He spilled all of that in my lap this morning when I was trying to re-group and had a zillion things running through my mind. "Is he seeing OW again?" "Am I not desirable" "Was all his desire the last few months just from the meds", etc.
Anyway, we're going to work on some projects together around here. H seems in a pretty good mood and I'm not going to bring up this morning to him. I feel sad that we might be resuming our LD lifestyle again, but for right now, I cant even deal with that. I'm just thankful we had a good talk last night.
