What do we want, what is enough or for that matter where do we ‘draw the line’ are all subjective things to each of us. Does lust make the heart grow fonder or is it the other way around?
Each of us has a fantasy, an ideal dream of how they wish things could be. This dream is forged during the sleepless nights, and idle mental wanderings during the day. But are they based on any realistic goals or, as each of us becomes aware of our ‘reality’, is the fantasy driven farter away or closer to reality.
As things get better or worse, does the fantasy become closer or does the reality overtake it, maybe even the fantasy stays just out of arms length as the reality changes.
My question is, do we each set up a ‘wish’ that is never achievable?
OOh I believe it is achievable, the question is, or should be, is it sustainable?
We have, I hope, had memorable times with our SO/H. Can they be repeated with any regularity? Or, have they relegated themselves into our dreams and longinglinesses(hehe, new word).
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I believe we all fantasize about a life we want. I also believe these fantasy's are obtainable for some and unobtainable for others. It all depends on how parallel these fantasy's are to our actual life.
During a relationship convo recently where I was trying to tell my wife that I need more passion and romance she told me that I was trying to live a fairy tale. I replied that what I wanted out of life was to have a love affair, preferably with her. She on the other hand is infuriatingly practical and unromantic. I guess we shall see how she responds to my statement.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Just recently he is acting as if a love affair is a good thing to aspire towards. What a nice feeling to finally be on the same page.
He is, by nature, a practical person so it has taken a while for me to not personalize his desire to be practical in all areas of his life. I used to take it as an insult to me, but now I see that he has a great deal of difficulty being Romantic in this one area of his life, while remaining practical in all others. However, I think he values being married to me more than holding on steadfastly to his traits, so he's attempting to break out a bit.
Heaven knows I've had to learn how to be practical, for him. It's about time there was a little reciprocity.
Heaven knows I've had to learn how to be practical, for ...
LOL. You poor poor woman.
Quote: I was cooking in a cast iron kettle over a wood fire, hand washing my family's clothes, doing mending and chopping firewood, I seriously doubt I'd have time to bitch about the lackanookie....
Yeah right. Who are you trying to fool. Anyways my comment that inspired this was not directed at you, (funny that you answered it though) but other SAHM who are not so invested as you obviously are.
Your H has this same line of thinking? HUH, isnt that interesting...
Balto, I think the love affair is a great idea, but once again like Mrs. Nop pointed out earlier you didnt give any specifics or concrete things that you would like to happen.
I get the feeling that you are in a standoff with your wife, you want her to understand you more, and she probably wants the same. Can you tell us anymore about your R, give us some background, and specific convos.
Blackfoot, while it is more about attitude than specifics, I will attempt to communicate some specifics. First some background. I have in the past been guilty of taking my W for granted and due to a serious breakdown in our relationship have realized that I needed to put more work into the relationship. Our relationship was always "workmanlike". We got along ok for the most part, we took care of the kids, etc, but we didn't do things together. We had sex but we didn't have romance. Retrouvaille referred to it as living the "married singles" life. Along the way I realized that it wasn't just Mrs. Baltoman that needed more from the relationship, I did as well. I needed more sex, more emotional connection, more romance. There is an entire subtext to our breakdown that precipitated this revelation, but I will skip it at this time to keep this as brief as possible.
My W has a hard time with displaying affection. I would like her to come over, unsolicited, and give me a kiss or a hug on occasion. I would like her to initiate sex every once in a while or be a bit flirtatious (sp?). Examples of what I would have liked that did not happen. We were riding our bikes on a bike trail on a beautiful summer day and we got caught in a summer shower about 10 miles from the car. We waited it out under a tree. It was a hallmark, picture perfect romantic moment. I tried to kiss her and got a very cold "Don't kiss me now!". Another time we were taking a nice walk on Tighlman Island at night and she refused to kiss me because we were "in public" although there wasn't a soul around for miles.
She is a very considerate woman. She is an excellent mother. She just does not seem to be capable of passion. Maybe it is a MLC for me, but after 20 years I've decided that I don't want a roommate with occasional sexual connections, I want a lover.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
This is a very established pattern. I think Mrs.Nop or some of the LD's can help you better then I.
FWIW here is what I would do in response...
I tried to kiss her and got a very cold "Don't kiss me now!"
I would have stared at my watch for 10 seconds, the not NOW part, and then kissed her anyway and said ...'Oh My God, what will people think!!! You are so bad.'
only you know if this would have been a major breach to her though and disrespectful of her.
I understand wanting a different attitude, like I said its very established and will need some coaxing.
In reference to men, this is an excerpt my comments on another thread:
“….. But your husband will need to come to terms with what he wants. Like Clint Eastwood said in Dirty Harry, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” For men, this really says it all. Boys wrestle and compete against each other to learn their limits. If you know yours, you will not over-commit and operate within the envelope of your abilities. If you reach too far, you fail, then get depressed thinking you are a loser. I see MLCers doing the same. They over-reach, fail, then come home all humbled. If they don’t over-reach, they establish a new life and go on.
I believe this disappointment is directly related to the amount of difference between the reality and the dream. If you fantasize about the ideal fairy-tale relationship, you will almost certainly be disappointed with the reality of everyday problems. If your fantasies and expectations are closer to reality, the gap is not so wide and failure is more manageable. The one variable is the size of your fantasy. It is under your control, so manage it realistically.
I tried to kiss her and got a very cold "Don't kiss me now!"
I would have stared at my watch for 10 seconds, the not NOW part, and then kissed her anyway and said ...'Oh My God, what will people think!!! You are so bad.'
only you know if this would have been a major breach to her though and disrespectful of her.
This is a very good response. I must remember that if a similar sitch arises. I don't think it would be considered disrespectful by her. I think she would be annoyed, but in the long run it would pay dividends in the attraction department.
Thanks
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Anyways my comment that inspired this was not directed at you, (funny that you answered it though) but other SAHM who are not so invested as you obviously are.