Doing the Right Thing 2

[Becca1975]

Lou, I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying, but I imagine what your wife hears is that you won't LET her have things. To be honest, I jumped in and started reading and all i read was that you wouldn't let her buy a car that she really wanted. Now, once I went back and read, I can totally see where you are coming from. Talk about a rock and a hard place. On one hand, it IS her money too, she should be able to enjoy life and have things that she wants, she shouldn't have someone to tell her she can't have something...but on the other.....when does it get excessive and destructive? I think it becomes a matter of control because anything you do to try to help will be seen as control. I didn't see so much of a problem till I read a recent post of yours about the money she had spent on QVC and all of that....that to me, signals an addiction of some sort.

What would Dr Phil say? An episode about a year ago pops into my mind where there was a young couple, she wanted to get married, he wanted to get married but he couldn't see tying his life/checkbook to someone who spent money like she did. It was a classic addiction scenario where she had boxes and bags of things wtih tags still on them. Dr Phil got her to promise not to buy ANYTHING that wasn't used to eat, or keep a roof over their heads for something like 6 months, and at that time if she had been sucessful, boyfriend would propose with the huge diamond ring that Dr Phil would buy them.

I don't know if that makes sense or is even relevant....but what I do know is that in teh same way that feelings ARE feelings and because they are different doesn't make them wrong, you can tell her all day that the car she has is perfectly fine but that doesn't change her wanting the new car.

I wonder if there isn't a way to indulge a bit but have limitations at the same time. Agree to purchases and when she wants something, you two think it over and then make a decision...some things she wants she will get, other things she will not.

For example...she has a perfectly good car. I can understand wanting a different one...I have a perfectly good one too and even though common sense says i don't want a car payment, etc etc etc, that doesn't stop me from really REALLY wanting a new car. Can she get money out of her other one? If she can get X amount out of her other one and you can weasel the dealer down on the one she wants, would it be a worthwhile deal? On the other hand, that $5000 purse...well....that might not be a wise buy. Lets sit on that one for 2 weeks and see if we still want to buy it then.

The point is to make her feel like she can have all she wants, but by making wise choices in what she gets. She will feel 100% better about what she has bought.

I don't know if any of that made sense...I think I'm more rambling than anything at this point.

((hugs))

Becca