I know you and I are dealing with very similar situations, but with two exceptions. I have children and you don’t (or at least they are grown, I’m not sure) and you don’t have the anger element at play. I think our wives have similar distancing strategies, but frankly, I think my wife has no fear of being alone, whereas yours does. I believe part of what holds our behavior in check is understanding the consequences of doing the wrong thing. I don’t think this bothers my wife because she has already been there. It is not scary to her. She even sees it as an improvement for her since she would be away from me. She does understand that it would be worse for the kids and this is what keeps her in the marriage. It is the only leverage I have.
Your wife seems very concerned about her future and that future depends on you, even though she does very little to make her dependence on you secure. I think she realizes how vulnerable she could be, but does not want to acknowledge it, nor do anything about it. But then I don’t she that she has to since in a way, she is very secure. As long as she knows you are pursuing her, she knows you care and she gets security. Sort of like a kid acting out to get punished. They take the punishment as a sign the parent cares for them. My step-mom’s son was like that. Now that he is grown, it seems to everyone that he is a socio-path (label).
My thought has always been that you need to break the pursuer/avoider cycle. This will make her start coming to you. Then you can set the terms. Each time you have backed off, she has softened up. It is temporary because once she knows this is only another form of punishment from you and not true abandonment, she gets comfortable again and reverts to her old ways. I think you need to send the message that you are capable of leaving her permanently and her positive changes need to be permanent as well.
As evidence, it seems her “panic attack” the other day shows her fears. You reassured her and she settled down. Why do you need to reassure her? Let her feel the anguish until SHE is willing to do something about it. I think it is really you who is afraid of letting her experience her consequences. As others have mentioned, but in other words, you are enabling her to continue in her behavior. When things get desperate for her, you step in. Let things get desperate, let her suffer her panic attacks. Let her call the EMS and resolve it on her own in the hospital. If you are growing tired of your marriage, it could come to this anyway, right?
I wonder what would happen if you stretched your two week trip out by another week or so, but didn’t tell her. In fact, I don’t think you should call her at all on the trip. Just come home when you are good and ready. Let her know that she needs you and let her suffer the panic that comes with it. That will set up so many contradictions between her feelings and her behavior I would think she’d have to confront them. To set it in stone, I wouldn’t even talk to her about her concerns for a while. Let her deal with them through her friends. Let her see how much help they are.
For all this to work you need to be willing to accept the consequences yourself. If she leaves, will you be OK with that? If so, go for it. If not, then think twice.
The only other thing I can think of is to address her requests to clean up around the house. If you need to find an offsite place that you can tore you things like the old cars, cardboard, etc. This will take away her ammunition. Keeping them around just gives her a reason to complain. If you resolves all her requests and she still stays distant, then she will have to face her own problems.
