Quote: Anything wrong with asayint "you might miss me more than the problems with the house and inventory should something cause me not to come back?" (Open discussion type of thing)
Lou, you are like an alcoholic who is asking me if he can just have one teeny weeny little beer every night. What's with the "open discussion"?
Let me ask you: are you generally successful when you try to discuss something with her? Does she see your POV and agree that you are making sense? Do you find that when you have one of these "discussions," at the end of it you are on the same wavelength and feel closer? I would say the answers are "No," "No," and "He11 no!"
Just try this new strategy of minimal discussion for a while and see if you get anywhere with it. Make a statement and do NOT invite discussion. Let HER have the discussion all by herself inside her own head. It seems to me from what you have reported of your past convos that when you speak a sentence that has more than one thought in it, she gets a bit distracted and confused and goes off on a tangent. And then when you try to bring her back on topic, she resists you directing her. The harder you try to make your point, the more she is now reacting to what she perceives as your attitude. It's almost as if she can only receive on one channel at a time.... or can only "download" one thing at a time, and very slowly at that.
Remember the exchange of posts we had a while back where I suggested that when she wanders off topic, you just keep bringing her back? I believe you had some modest success with that. When she tried to take the conversation off in another distracting direction, you acknowledged her and then repeated the main idea you were trying to get across in simple terms. I'm just asking you to stick with that, but now to minimize the repeating. Just make the statement once or twice and don't get into a "discussion."
Picture a teen who needs to clean up her room. You say, "Mary Lou, clean your room." She says she has homework, has to go to a friend's house, her fav show is coming on tv, she can't find the vacuum, she read that inhaling the fumes from cleaning products can damage your brain, her other friends have maids why don't we have one, if you loved me you wouldn't make me do menial tasks, my room's toooo dirty to clean I don't know where to start, and on and on. You just keep saying "Mary Lou, clean your room" until you wear her down.
BB is like Mary Lou... she'll just keep throwing out these little mini-grenades that explode in your path, distracting you from the point you are trying to make.
Why does she do it? Personally she sounds a bit learning disabled, somewhat emotionally stunted-- sorry for the labels. I realize I don't know her at all, only from what you have reported. But I haven't seen any evidence from your posts that having an "open discussion" with her is possible at this time. I agree with Chrissy that she may very well make some progress and if you keep to the policy of simple, clear communication, you may see some real breakthroughs down the road. Just give this a good try for a reasonable period of time-- what have you got to lose? You can always go back to the old way of having endless conversations where she wanders all over the landscape and never does get your point. <sigh>
You're such a good man, Lou. I think that if you did wind up on your own, you would have to beat women off with a stick.
Blackfoot, thanks for your positive feedback. I value your opinion.
Edited to add: Lou, the reference to "calling her bluff" was not directed at you. Cobra had suggested that you call her bluff and I was responding to him.
Also re panic attacks... I sort of agree that it is a test, in the same way that other things might be tests. For example, if (God forbid) your dog got run over by a car. How you reacted to that might be a test. Are you really affected, teary, compassionate-- or blase, indifferent. Another test might be how do you react if my car breaks down and I have to call you to come and get me? Are you perfectly okay, gracious, helpful... or do you come grudgingly and read me the riot act about not keeping up the maintenance. You guys might have tests, too. How does she react when you tell her at the last minute you're going fishing for the weekend? Or what if you've been planning to go to her boss's daughter's wedding and the day before you come down with a really bad cold? Is she gracious, understanding, and realizes you didn't do it deliberately? Or does she punish you indirectly while claiming she's "not mad'? Let's face it, married life is full of "tests."
