Lou I think you handled both situations exactly right. I like my comment about you being gone better than yours because mine is just a simple point with no added justification or reasoning, kwim? It's just a statement that lies there for her to look at and ponder. I think your comment has too much "content" and also has a "attitude" to it that would give her something to react to. The attitude will distract her-- she seems easily distracted from a simple point.
This is also the reason why you rubbing her foot with your foot was good. It conveyed the message that you liked it without any "content" for her to react to or make something out of.
I would see these new reactions of yours not so much as "calling her bluff," as simply getting onto a different road. In the past, you've argued with her, reasoned with her, stated your case, etc., to little avail. It's almost like you've taken your communication to a different level-- some might say it's more advanced, some might say it's more primitive... You're letting your actions speak and using few words. Instead of telling her, you're showing her. I would think there would be an element of relief on your part not to feel you have to explain yourself or defend yourself on stuff anymore (at least for now).
As for whether you sleep with her tonight or sleep alone... just be true to how you feel, keep your integrity. Don't sleep alone to spite her or punish her, or join her to prove anything or placate her. Do what YOU want, and don't defend or explain to her. Let her react in whatever way she does and keep all words to a minimum.
As someone who is subject to panic attacks, I can say that they are not something you DO to someone. They seem to come out of nowhere, although if you search, you can sometimes find the trigger. The trigger might be emotional or an event. Or it might be physical. If blood sugar drops too low (as it can in the middle of the night, particularly if you're overweight and thus, pre-diabetic), the body perceives a physical threat and dumps adrenalin into the system. Having adrenalin in the system can be interpreted by the brain as excitement OR fear.
If my partner indicated that he thought my panic attack was an attempt to manipulate him, that would really hurt. I hate having panic attacks. The best reaction is comfort and soothing-- not logic and reasons "why you shouldn't be afraid." Usually I KNOW I shouldn't be afraid, but I can't make the terror go away (except with a xanax).
Even though Lou reasoned with BB during the panic attack, in her case, I thought it was okay, but I added the comment about missing him to sort of slip that thought in under her radar while she was in a vulnerable state.
