VS is short for Vestibulodynia Syndrome, which I have suffered from since age 12 (I'm now 28).
Symptoms are: tender vulval area, painful when pressed (makes MB and sexual intercourse challenging) - intercourse is possible and even pleasurable if the symptoms are mild, but when severe, it is not possible to have sex.
Other symptoms are swelling of the vulva and vestibular glands (these are the glands in the enterance to the vagina which regulate vaginal moisture), dryness, burning when urinating (caused by the urine hitting the inflammed vulva), frequent UTI's and secondary infections like thrush, burning pain and irritation caused by wearing tight jeans etc.
I had to give up horse riding for this reason. Normally it is contact pain only so if I'm not having sex or attempting contact sports etc I suffer no pain.
There is Vulvodynia also which is the same as above except there is also nerve damage to the vulva which causes sudden and unprovoked pain, such as shooting pains up the vagina.
I think I have vulvodynia also as I do get spontaneous pain. I remember once sitting in the library, reading MacBeth and I got this sudden stabbing pain right in my bits and had to pretend it was something else
50% of women with VS cannot orgasm.
CAUSES OF VS: Frequent UTI's and other infections and use of anti-fungal medications which can trigger VS (most women who get it have a history of previous anti-fungal medication use), hormone changes due to puberty or menopause, nerve damage caused by childbirth (although in my case childbirth eased my symptoms because of stretching the birth canal), immune system malfunction.
There are no cures and once you've got VS you have it for life, although there are some treatments and it usually gets milder the longer you have it. Mine is mild now, after 16 years.
Jo - who has had a good sex life despite all this and still likes sex so if I can do it, anyone can!
I read this web page and mostly remember BB sayinf urinatrion was painful/burning untill she took the medication ?name? then the anti-biotics. She did have a urine sample analised for bacteria and those results said she had a UTI.
That was last April? or so. None (UTI's) since I read the books, condensed it down, and printed it out for her to read. Then BB read one of the books.
I am not about to be a mini-expert on VS. That would not go over with BB. She has been treated every couple of years for UTI's so believes it's the problem if she has symptoms. It's been working, so who am I to get her to look at a different problem.
Quote: I'm telling you this in the hope you inverstigate your wife's symptoms more as frequent UTI's can be a trigger factor for VS.
I do apreciate your suggestions, so don't think I will not be looking for symptoms. If I see something that matches, I will do more reading.
Quote: if I can have a frequent SL with VS, then she should be able to have a SL with you, with UTI's.
Yes she could if she wanted to or got more out of a SL.
BB said she shut her sexual feelings off/lost them about 20 years ago. We were having some troubles and I was recovering from back surgery and could not do much for a couple of months. She said she was so frustrated because not much sexual was happening, she never wanted to be that dependent again on someone for a sexual outlet.
Some of this was said out of resentment/anger, so I don't know if it was 100% true, in all cases/circumstances.
So, there is the emotional component I have to work with. I can change me. I don't know about her. Also, I do know BB's body is not working like it used to sexually. So some loss of interest in sex is aging and some is mental.
Well, they've changed the name from Vestibulitis (meaning inflammation of) to Vestibulodynia because the disease is more than 'just' inflammation of, and they thought the term was misleading.
It's just because you said she is being continually treated for UTI's and this is the same thing that happened to me. I was continually on antibiotics, anti-fungal medications and misdiagnosed as cystitis, thrush etc when it wasn't.
It took 2 years of them saying I had bladder infection before I finally got a correct diagnosis and that was after insisting that I be referred to a Gynaecological Dermatologist, where she finally said I had VS.
Most doctors, aside from specialists, haven't even heard of it, yet in my clinic, 20% of my dr's Gynaecological Dermatology cases were VS.
I'm joined to a support group for women with VS (there are about 200 of us in this group) and nearly all were repeatedly diagnosed with UTI's prior to being diagnosed with VS.
I'm not meaning to offend, however, and don't want to start an argument between you and BB. I just thought it may be an avenue you hadn't considered.
Quote: I'm not meaning to offend, however, and don't want to start an argument between you and BB. I just thought it may be an avenue you hadn't cosididered.
No offence ever take by any of your posts Jo. I never considered VS because the UTI's were only happening every couple of years, no pain on touching/penetratiion, Just pain 24-48 hours after sex.
The UTI's a couple times a year has only been in the last couple of years which goes along with what I have read. Loss of estrogen, lower health of urinary tract, aging, can't take hormones, [[[post from others and web information;]]] (estrogen vaginal cream will help with this problem. (Strengthens the bladder tissues as well as vaginal effects). Ellie -------------------------------- Estring The risk of recurrent urinary tract infections in older women may be diminished by systemic or topical estrogen replacement therapy, according to this review of the literature.) Wish BB could use this device but can't be on any hormonal replacements because of a breast lump she had removed 8? years ago.
The big problem is BB wants a good friend, not a lover.
I have been reading your thread. I hope some good comes out of this situation with Andy and his dad. (life can't be put on hold forever)
About a year ago, I had a sleep study done for my snoring. I wound up with a CPAP blower and mask that puts a little pressure up your nose and into the oral cavity and pushes the tongue forward, hence no snoring. That was great for a while, now BB is complaining about a little air that leaks out past the mask side and vent. Now I am keeping her awake again and she moved to the sofa one night. That did not make me feel good because this is the just more distancing activity.
Last year it was my snoreing, then she has hot flashes so she does not want me to be near her because my body heat sets off her hot flashes, then the phone rings at night (old post about unwanted faxes), the two dogs and cat? have to be on the bed with her, she sleeps in the middle of the bed and says I take too much room, and the radio on at night for long periods while she sleeps. (some of the complications).
I suggest BB sleep by the window but she had excuses of why her water, tissue, radios, lamp, dog bed, pills, lotions would not fit in the space on the other side of the bed. I said I would move the things but she said that it would not work so I dropped the rope.
I told BB I was done trying to make things work between us. I was tired of being rejected. I was tired of her being picky and negative to my suggestions. I said she can sing to her dogs and baby talk to them as she has been doing. I said I wanted some affection like the dogs get but was tired of doing the right things so some came my way. I said if she was so concerned about the dogs but turned me down as she has, I not in a position to be turned down anymore. Being turned down hurt too much for me to do it again. I said if she wants a R with me, she had to do most of the work from now on.
I almost said she could watch the TV shopping channels again and buy as much as she wanted to. I almost said she could get another dog and hoped she would be happier with them than I had been with her, but I didn’t. I did say I was sorry for her that the dogs seemed to make her happier than I do.
BB said she was going through some sleepless nights and need some alone time at night in her room while she sleeps. I said I think this is a pattern, not a few bad nights.
I moved my things to the other bedroom and have been avoiding BB most of the day. I am not trying to be mean, selfish, or controlling, and I indicated that to BB. What I don’t want is the jump through all of her hoops and wind up with little to show for my efforts.
BB also said she loves me and did put her hand on my back and started to offer some things we could do in the line of touching but they had conditions that made the potential results too conditional.
I suppose because BB offered a little (temporary?) physical touch activities, now I will be the one blamed for the lack of progress. What was offered was not enough for me.
So, get out the 2X4 and tell me what I did wrong or not enough of. You would think we would not be doing the above things I wrote about and two adults would be able to come up with more solutions. Maybe things will get better in the next couple of days, who knows? If they don’t who knows.
Per DBing, did my actions get me closer or further away? Like cobra, my position is, I don’t like what we have now so the answer is both. I hope we are reducing some of BB’s pickiness and I hope I am saying tid-bits are not enough to sustain a M.
My vacation plans are still on but a week or two late.
(((Lou))) Don't know what to tell you as far as DBing goes, but this was long overdue in my opinion. You've drawn a line in the sand. Are you ready to stick to your guns on this? I think that if this doesn't make any difference to her, then you need to either accept that your M will always be sexless or move on if you can.
Lou, I don't think you did anything wrong. Please resist the temptation to defend or even discuss with her what you are doing and why. You told her. Leave it at that and stay detached. When she gets down in that mud pit and waves at you to jump in and wrestle (mentally of course ) with her, don't do it. In your avoidance of her, please continue to be cordial-- make sure you're not being pouty or anything. You must keep on the high ground where the grownups are so that it will be clear where any tantrums or unpleasantness originated, kiwm?
If you can let her know that you are not doing this to be mean, but as a personal survival method. To me that should be your focus. "I'm not doing this to punish you. I'm doing this to save myself. I know it's the way you are, but I cannot be around it anymore."
Kind of like when I said to my bf "I cannot be under the same roof with you and alcohol anymore. Not because of what it does to you (which is basically none of my business) but because what it does to me."
I think your strategy shows a lot of integrity. Hang onto that integrity and take care of yourself.
Who knows... a new tunnel may appear and it may have some cheese in it. Heck, she may dig you a new tunnel with cheese when she really gets that the Old Game is over.
Sorry to hear that you're still struggling , Lou. I do heartily endorse that vacation. When does it start???
I also back up LP's encouragement to avoid getting into it with BB. Cheeseless tunnels. Keep practicing saying, "Oh." Or similar phrases. Make them your mantra.
) with her, don't do it. In your avoidance of her, please continue to be cordial-- make sure you're not being pouty or anything. You must keep on the high ground where the grownups are so that it will be clear where any tantrums or unpleasantness originated, kiwm?