WOW! What a flurry of discussion, all of it helpful to me. I can definitely see both sides of the issue. I hope no one thinks that I blame my dad for my failures. He had a rough childhood, rougher than mine in some sense because he was VERY poor. Whereas I have had nothing but success academically, he had to struggle because of his background despite being very intelligent (its amazing how far he can go with those conspiracy theories of his ).
I think what I was trying to say (not very well) in my answer to Cobra was that I don't want to "take him down a notch." That would not be my intent. Like I said he is just trying to find some peace in his life now and be as good as he knows how. Let's just say I have never seen him show strong emotion except anger. If I saw him getting really sad, especially if it was my comments that caused it, it would hurt.
But I can see how I can be trapped by my past, how I am trapped in the past. I have a difficult time accepting validation that would be good enough for most people, because I never received it from either of my parents so I really don't know how. I always worry about what people think about me, because knowing what my father was thinking about could mean the difference between bloody welts all over my body and just a sharp word. And my feelings of validation are ephemeral because my dad's emotion could turn to violent anger on a dime for the smallest thing. I think that's why I look for tiny shifts in people's attitudes toward me, it is a protection mechanism that was beat into me.
I don't know which way to go in terms of confronting dad (not step dad) or letting it go and just working on it internally. I am sure that the psychiatrist and self-esteem expert will probably want to talk to me a lot about it, and they will also give advice.
Let me say one more general thing then I'll get to responding to the individual posts. I know exactly what event shocked my dad into changing his ways. As I said, I am a military brat, my dad is career military. He was still in when most of us had left home finishing up his last years. He got a TDY assignment in Italy where he was going to be gone for one year. All of us kids were home at the time, so he thought well we can just all go to the airport to see him off. All of us kids made excuses and didn't go. Mom told me later he cried the whole way to the airport. I think it finally sunk in that if he didn't change fundamentally, now that we were out of the house, we didn't have to have anything to do with him if we chose not to. He does still have some control issues, but isn't any worse than anyone else's dad now.
One more quick point. It is interesting that no one noticed the small positive step with the wife. Not interesting?
GEL "You don't have to confront your dad in an "attacking" manner to get things off your chest" You are right, even if I do confront him verbally, there is no sense attacking him. I just would feel like I am attacking him even just describing what happened. I do agree that they have to come out in some way or they will control me. I am sure that in my various C sessions, they will. And they have here too.
Thanks, GEL
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
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