"I think it is important that you tell her exactly what you said here."
I did start saying a bunch of those things, but ended up making things worse. I tend to agree with those here that say I need to lay low for awhile.
"Otherwise any hesitancy or second thoughts will be picked up by her and pull you into a self fulfilling prophecy of the NO answer." All admit that there is some hesitancy in me, but I think I am beating it out more and more every day. This is another reason why I am following the advice to lay low. That way when we do have our BIG talk, I won't be hesitant in affirming my commitment to her.
"That is how healthy jealousy helps to confirm the bond. It affirms the feelings are definitive and she need not have even a twinge of doubt." Interesting perspective. Processing.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
While the EA may be in her mind right now causing problems, the lack of affection/intimacy/sex had been going on LONG before
I know. I have no doubts about your love for your wife, or your desire to make a great marriage. I dont see anything you say here as bashing her. vent away. you cant live with em, you cant hunt em.
One thing you might want to do is print out or save your first thread, there was a lot of good advice in there, and as you go thru this I think you will start to understand some of it even more.
Try to keep the wild hairs to yourself when you feel like running in and doing, trying, fixing things RIGHT NOW, because "OH I GET it now type thinking." It will come off as insincere, not trustworthy, unstable, and after awhile, predictable. Stable is good, predictable is bad, bad, bad for attraction.
"I have no doubts about your love for your wife, or your desire to make a great marriage. I dont see anything you say here as bashing her. vent away. you cant live with em, you cant hunt em."
I'm glad to hear you say that. I do want to be able to say whatever is on my mind, I think it is cathartic and allows me to better examine and correct my problems. But I never want to give the impression that I think the W is a bad person. She is an absolutely awesome person. If she was not such a good person, I would have left a long time ago. I don't think I would have the strength as some of the people on this board do to live with a person who denies sex, affection, and is vituperative. The wife is disconnected right now, which is hard for me, but I couldn't stand constant bickering, at least not without the make-up sex afterwards.
"One thing you might want to do is print out or save your first thread, there was a lot of good advice in there, and as you go thru this I think you will start to understand some of it even more."
Already have. In fact I have made a series of word documents separating out the tidbits into things to talk about with the C, things to try with the W (at the right time), etc.
"Try to keep the wild hairs to yourself when you feel like running in and doing, trying, fixing things RIGHT NOW, because "OH I GET it now type thinking." It will come off as insincere, not trustworthy, unstable, and after awhile, predictable. Stable is good, predictable is bad, bad, bad for attraction."
That is one of the reasons why I have been responding with OKs and processing. I am trying not only to have a conversation with you guys about this, but also display openly how I am handling the information. It is not just information that is important, it is what you do with it.
Dr. Glob of Dust
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Had a little spark last night. We took the kids to the circus which they enjoyed (although the younger of the twins kept getting nervous when the acrobats would go high and was saying "fall down?" "fall down?" ... it was really cute). I didn't get home until late, and the wife was nursing the newborn. She finished shortly thereafter and tuned on the TV to watch SVU (a good episode last night). Well, she leaned over and snuggled up against me resting her head against my shoulder. I made some off-hand comment about my shoulder being too bony for that since I had lost so much weight. She just smiled and didn't say anything.
Still got a LONG way to go to hot sex (or sex at all for that matter), but it felt good. Let's hope it continues to progress. I see the self-esteem counselor on Monday, and our next MC session should be coming up soon. One of my worries now is that if things are progressing, I'll be tempted to just let things slide in the MC session. Is that a bad idea?
The SVU show was good last night. It really pulled at my heart-strings, especially the scene where the main guy is talking to the psychologist about him and his dad. Brought back so many memories of my childhood. Virtually every day of my life that my dad was home was like that. Always critical, lots of beatings (until we cried and then beating us harder saying "I'll give you something to cry about"). I had to go to the other room and just cry my eyes out (sorry ladies, I know that is very unattractive) when the dad and son in the show reconciled in the end. I know that will never happen with my father, too many bad memories. Don't worry, the wife didn't see me so it didn't ruin my image. Anyway, good show.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Have you ever confronted your dad about your past abuse? You are not child now and I doubt you have much to fear from him anymore. Long ago while in college, I had a pretty bad argument with my dad, venting all my past anger. It helped to clear the air and I feel we are on a good standing now. The important this is that he realized how mad I was for what he did. And he now knew what I knew. And he now feels very sorry for it. There is really nothing more that needed to be done for me. I consider the past hurts a closed issue.
I suspect that telling your dad off, letting out every ounce of anger and emotion, getting in his face and cursing him for every wrong he did to you and your siblings, and not letting him off with any excuses will do more good for you than years of self esteem counseling.
Overnight it could make you feel more empowered about yourself, you may be able to get past feeling sorry for yourself, and your wife might see you in a new light. Of course this does depend on how you think your dad will react. It could make things worse for you, but with you being an adult now, I have a hard time seeing how there could be any more damage to you than has already been done. Just a new twist to think about.
"Have you ever confronted your dad about your past abuse?"
I have thought long and hard about it, and here's the problem. He is a changed man now. Granted he still has a lot of quirks (he's big into conspiracy theories), but we have a cordial if distant relationship. And I can see in how he reacts to people that he now fully realizes what an a$$ he was back then. About 10 years ago a light bulb went off in his head that he would be alone, isolated from his kids and grandkids if he didn't change.
So now I am stuck with the conundrum of how do I attack someone who is trying to find peace in the last few years of his life, even if he isn't dealing with the past issues. You are right, pretty much the only way I could vent my past hurts would be an all-out attack. He doesn't scare me anymore, the way he used to growing up, I have passed that hurdle. When I got more educated than him, I started winning arguments (he emotionally abused us as well by really talking us down at times), and haven't looked back.
Maybe you are right, I should just get it all out and then start trying to heal. The problem is that it is a huge ogre in my closet, and I don't want to open that door. I'll bet that if the psychiatrist I am going to see is any good, she might request a joint session with my parents (I've heard of that happening). Maybe that could provide a controlled environment for the outburst.
Thanks Cobra.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You don't have to confront your dad in an "attacking" manner to get things off your chest and out of your system. You can tell him that you understand he's changed but there are simply things you have had to deal with, things that are directly related to his past behavior, that need to come out in order for them to truly become a part of your past and stay there.
If you don't confront him and get these things out I can promise you one thing....your past will continue to rule your future.
If he has come to realize the damage he has done, and you two are on cordial terms, then there should be less to fear from the confrontation. You needn’t attack him then just confront him and express all your hurts, but you two may be able to do it in a civil manner, which would be even MORE therapeutic for you!
So now I am stuck with the conundrum of how do I attack someone who is trying to find peace in the last few years of his life…
To me this says you are trying to rationalize a way to avoid the confrontation. I think it is a form of rescuing. Sweeping it under the rug. It may be good for him, but it will not help you.
Maybe you are right, I should just get it all out and then start trying to heal. The problem is that it is a huge ogre in my closet, and I don't want to open that door. I'll bet that if the psychiatrist I am going to see is any good, she might request a joint session with my parents (I've heard of that happening). Maybe that could provide a controlled environment for the outburst.
A few thoughts on this…. The ogre in the closet will not go away and could morph into other demons over the years. There is no way to know what this could be. You see my sitch as an example of that. And confronting your step dad on your own initiative, without hiding behind the cover of the counselor could be the better move for you (furthermore, how likely is it that your step dad will agree to such a meeting, knowing he is coming in for a beating?). Neither your step dad nor the counselor has anything to gain from this. This is all about you, so do what ever you need to that will help you the most and grab as much empowerment as you can.
I'll admit that I come from a very different approach on this.
My FOO includes an alcoholic, disabled and when drunk, physically abusive father and a mother given toward the occasional coping mechanism of emotional withdrawal and nervous breakdowns. I was saddled with the responsibility of cooking, cleaning and childcare for younger siblings at an age so young that I had to stand on a chair to reach the sink and the stove.
I recognize that I have been affected by this. So, I work toward counteracting the negative aspects. I don't see how confronting my mom would undo what has been done or forward my growth on working through the issues that are a result of my FOO. And dad is long gone.
I guess I see myself as responsible for working out whatever issues dog me into adulthood. I can do my damndest to break whatever cycle was in effect - heaven only knows what my parents had grown up in. In fact, I know some of the stuff they did deal with, so rather than coming from a place of "I need to let them know how bad they screwed me up" I actually have quite a bit of sympathy for them.
I try to recognize the weaknesses and tender spots that are a result of my upbringing, but I don't use them as a way to justify the choices I make today.
Is it really necessary to have some sort of cathartic interaction with parents (especially the ones who have changed) in order for us to move forward with *our* lives?
Anyway, good show.