I didn’t mean to imply that you said anything inappropriate about your wife at all. I think you have tried to be very fair in your description of her. What I meant is that you don’t know if she will want her history on public display, even if it is anonymous. And communicating one on one with LFL is perfectly fine too, for a secure couple with healthy boundaries. You are not in that situation so I was concerned that your wife could see the emailing as another betrayal (I still believe she wants you to have that emotional connection with you, not someone else). If she found out about this, then she could justify a pattern of behavior in her mind, and you could have dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of.
"Guess what I made H for dinner Fri night....yep, fried catfish." GROAN!!!
"I avoid fried food due to my need to keep my girlish figure" Precisely the same reason I avoid it ... well ... to keep my boyish figure ... I mean, my manly figure.
"he confessed that he "hates" fried catfish and just looking at it makes him want to puke." You guys need to move down here. I need someone to commiserate with over all this pukey fried catfish.
"I was bummed cause it takes a while to fry fish at home, not to mention the smoke and the stinky fish smell that invades everything. Anyway, when I read your post, I started laughing all over again." You mean not only was your house subjected to fried catfish, it was also subjected to that catfish being actually MADE in the house. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
"However, you coulda posted your opinion earlier so I could have avoided feeding fried barf to my family." LOLOL!!! I think next time the ILs suggest getting take-out from the local catfish place, I'll put in an order for fried barf.
My question to you is, how did YOU like it? Or are you one of THOSE people?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Globule and LFL...I enjoy your banter. Humor is always welcome here. I would encourage you both to stay on the board...you will be surprised how the cumulative effect of all the posts helps out." Had no plans on leaving. Thanks for calling what I write humor. I was beginning to wonder if you guys got my dry sense of it or not. I agree that posting here has helped keep my mind a little clearer.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks for thinking about us Cobra. I know you mean well with your advice. I think you are right about my wife being unhappy with all the details I post here. As I stated in my more general post, I hope everyone realizes that most of what I say is venting. It is how I feel at that time, but not necessarily indicative of any long term feelings. In fact, I want to turn around those negative feelings by getting them out, having people help me understand them, and work through them bit by bit. Thanks again.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrissy, No problem about the pumpkins. I love roasted pumpkin seeds, pumpkin bread, pumpkin butter. Good stuff
I do see where you and the others are coming from as far as the off-board communication goes. I really hope that this event didn't drive LFL away forever. She is such a good voice here. I mostly just complain and take advice. She is good at giving it. Man, I hope I didn't goof up here.
Trip went very well. Lots of potential future opportunities.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Professor Gas, or do you prefer Doctor Rarified Gas? That's Herr Doktor Professor Dusty Gas to you!!!
she is incredibly withdrawn, because of pain. Man that hurts me to hear, but you are probably right.
I do some of the more outlandish type things you describe, i.e. talk up myself, tell her I'm coming after her, etc. Maybe I'm just not convincing enough.
You will get better and better when you see it works and have a 'A-HA!' moment. She hasn't been quite so distant lately. Still need binoculars to see her though. I just gotta keep my confidence up and keep trying to maintain my cool.
You cannot see her advances, her attempts if you always make them. I just hate waiting for them, and waiting and waiting. But I see your point.
Everyone here has made a comment that they had to drop the rope to make progress I'm getting it a little bit more each day and each post from you guys. Its just such a hard rope to drop. Daily compliments have been such an integral part of my communication to her for so many years.
They may groom a lot, but the are persnickity and smell funny. LOL And they like to bring weird things home to eat, like fried catfish or pumpkin ravioli.
make a fool of yourself then, and be confidant about it. Its much more effective Funny how easily I do that at work, but yet get so worked up about looking foolish at home.
She loved it, hence the fishing Hmmm. Fishing = loving it. Processing.
Remember when you detached and were working alot, 10 11 months ago?, tending to other things, the balance shifted. The problem was that there was no affection/sex then either, except for that one week.
"Actually I said believe it, deep down in yourself to get you thru the rough patches." OK. Processing.
"I wish this was important to Globule.?.? What do you think?" I have let her take the lead on decisions about the kids. I'm just always so unsure of myself around them. I know, I know, weak. Gotta show strength to be attractive.
Thanks for the advice. I'll post some more encounters/convos as they happen. The interesting ones anyway.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I do some of the more outlandish type things you describe, i.e. talk up myself, tell her.....
PFFF, outlandish. This is SOP so far, nothing outlandish here. go easy though, This isnt an antidote to a poison, this is going to take time. Its not going to get all better in 2 weeks. OK.
Daily compliments have been such an integral .... well do a 180 for now.
gel said in another convo with me
Quote: However, in the past I have dated men who just showered me with compliments all the time. Now, they may have been very sincere, but after awhile I felt like some of them just said the things they did because they thought "that's what she wants to hear". They couldn't have been more wrong (about me at least).
Food for thought.
....weird things home to eat, like fried catfish... LMFAO dude you slay me sometimes.
Fishing = loving it....
Im absolutely guessing here, but I think she will want to hear why you love her. Wait for another opening. Dont push it. You wear your heart and feelings on your sleeve, she is (probably)the opposite. You have to give her reasons to trust you and then she is still going to want you to drag things out of her. PITA. I know. Make it fun. unsure of myself around them.... Your a really smart guy, they arent glass figurines, people have been raising kids for millenia. Make this important to you and and I am betting you will get major respect and appreciation, and those are just the fringe benefits.
"go easy though, This isnt an antidote to a poison, this is going to take time. Its not going to get all better in 2 weeks. OK."
OK.
"well do a 180 for now. Food for thought."
I have been trying to do so. Will try harder.
"Im absolutely guessing here, but I think she will want to hear why you love her. Wait for another opening. Dont push it. You wear your heart and feelings on your sleeve, she is (probably)the opposite. You have to give her reasons to trust you and then she is still going to want you to drag things out of her. PITA. I know. Make it fun."
I think if I didn't have this giant uncertainty about the physical side of our relationship hanging over my head, I would have an easier time of making it fun, seeing it as a challenge etc. I'll work on it.
"Your a really smart guy, they arent glass figurines, people have been raising kids for millenia. Make this important to you and and I am betting you will get major respect and appreciation, and those are just the fringe benefits."
Not a bad idea. Maybe I have deferred to her too much, just assuming that is what she wanted (i.e. she rules the roost while I bring home the bacon). I'll put some feelers out there and let you know.
One other point I forgot in the last post. While the EA may be in her mind right now causing problems, the lack of affection/intimacy/sex had been going on LONG before.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I think it is important that you tell her exactly what you said here. Do not expect a reply, since what is she to say? But her hearing it will close off one door of suspicion. Like Blackfoot has mentioned, we all have these voices in our head, preying on our darkest fears. If you know of such a fear that she has, address it directly. This will put it to rest as far as what you are responsible for. If she still hears it, then it is now her responsibility, but you have done all you can (assuming you are also consistent in your actions).
“I think if I didn't have this giant uncertainty about the physical side of our relationship hanging over my head, I would have an easier time of making it fun, seeing it as a challenge etc. I'll work on it.”
I do not think there is anything productive in this way of thinking. To me, the only question you need answered is whether she TRULY wants to reconcile or not? If the answer really is NO (assuming you can read into her heart of hearts), then there is little else you can do so go see a divorce lawyer. But I don’t think there are very many people who fall into this category. Therefore the answer is likely to be Yes OR Maybe. The only way to go at this point is with full commitment. Otherwise any hesitancy or second thoughts will be picked up by her and pull you into a self fulfilling prophecy of the NO answer.
In many things, taking an objective viewpoint and interpreting the shades of gray is very important. This is second nature to you since you always try to please. But when someone wants to know whether you care for them, the answer must be an unequivocal black or white. No gray is permitted. That is how healthy jealousy helps to confirm the bond. It affirms the feelings are definitive and she need not have even a twinge of doubt.
