Ok, just got the kids down for the night. I've got my wine and M&M's in front of me so life is good again. LOL

So you feel as if he is holding back some too, not wanting to fully commit to the relationship?
 No, I think he is wanting to commit but knows that I am struggling a bit so it lying low for a while. Just what you should be doing
You feel like a door has been opened in your life, a door that has the promise of greener pastures on the other side. Closing that door and tending to the weeds on your side of the door is tough. YES. I know the greener pastures grow weeds too but that excitement of the unknown is what makes it hard to fully commit back with H since we have weeds popping up everywhere and no lawn boy to help me with it LOL. Ooooh, speaking of lawn boy, Desperate Housewives is on tonight. Guilty pleasure.
I had this image in my mind of people just being able to divorce on a whim, the so-called "no fault" divorces. No. NY is NOT a "no fault" state. It much harder to get a divorce without cause. One year legally separated or one of the faults mentioned. If the parties are not in agreement (as to fault, which is usually the case) it is quite a legal mess and time consuming. Might as well wait out the one year with no fault.
If you don't do anything about it, does it just expire after one year? No. You can stay legally separated indefinitely. That is why some religious couples separate and never divorce. The legal separation is just to protect you financially, deal with custody, etc. You will not be divorced until you go before the courts again (after the year is up) and file for divorce. Either party can make it official after the year is up. You do not have to be in agreement. All legal/marital issues should have been spelled out in the separation agreement. Now that I've put you to sleep, I'll move on
I think you are doing a fine job. Invest/commit at your own pace. Thanks, I try. I do need to go at my own pace. Thankfully, my H has been understanding. I know this is where you struggle because you have a much faster pace than your W right now but hopefully she will catch up. I think you and I both tend to dive in head-first without seeing how deep the water is. Are you saying we are impulsive, don't think things through enough, do what feels good at the time, listen to depressing music when already depressed, get involved with other people while in a mess of a M? no way. Or as you like to say: NOOOOOOO! Love that So we have some faults, at least we have each other to keep each other in line. Sort of.
He may be just like you, afraid to take the plunge back into commitment because he is unsure of where you stand. I'd better stop before I give you bad advice. Don't ever be afraid to give me advice. It doesn't mean I'm going to take it I think you were right on the money when you said he may be afraid of the commitment because he is unsure of where I stand. That's true. I am not sure of anything anymore!
I have had several people telling me here that I need to back off, be happy, etc. etc. But inside I am just dying. I know. It's an absolutely gut-wrenching feeling. I have not words of advice here just empathy.
Not knowing where she stands on the important issues that are going through my head drives me batty. I am going to take the advice from others and leave her be, but I've got to find a way to not go crazy in the meantime. My H probably feels a lot liek that too. He senses I'm still a little "off" with the whole M thing although I am covering it really well. Inside, like you stated, I feel like I am dying (sometimes). Hate those moments Am I doing the right thing? Why am I even trying to make this work? It can't be just about the kids. Will he up and leave again? Will I?!? UGH. As far as not going crazy, do what makes you feel better. I like to post on here, exercise, watch bad tv, eat chocolate you get the idea. Find ways to either vent your feelings or escape your feelings. It will help while waiting for the W to get on board so to speak.
Also, as far as the affection goes, I am really worried there. I have this sinking suspicious that if I do back off of the affection, IT WON'T BOTHER HER ONE BIT!!! In fact, that is probably what she wants, to not have to deal with me on a physical level And thus, you attempt things like the "groping incident" to test the waters. It sucks because she tells you flat out she does not like it but if you don't do it at all, it's almost worse. Sure, you won't be shot down but I'm sure you are afraid that your own resentment will hit a breaking point and if you don't try anymore that means YOU don't care anymore. Then where is the M? Total detachment on both ends. That's where H and I were right before the separation. Neither one of us were really making any efforts anymore to work on the EC, the SL, anything. At least you can bring this all up in MC.
I know what Blackfoot says is that I should act like she really does want me. But what if I truly don't believe that in my heart. I think Blackfoot is off on this one. Your M is too far gone to just "act as if" at this point. Your W will NOT be receptive as she has proven. I don't know what she is thinking but she probably has a lot of resentments and hurts that will NEED to be somewhat resolved before the affection is back on track. Do you not believe that she wants you anymore? Loves you? Does she say she loves you even if she doesn't act like it? Has she brought up OW at all? If I were her I would be asking a lot about it I would think. "have you talked to her?" all that stuff. Then again, I'm slightly less avoidant than your W so who can say. I'm a freak of nature!