What I consider to be the best parts of me seem to clash with what others are saying I should do. Who's living your life? Only you know what is best for you in the end Globule. I guess my dilemma is that our culture says you should reserve all of your sexuality for your spouse. But my spouse doesn't want my sexuality. What do I do with it? Can't bottle it up anymore. That is the $64,000 question isn't it. Why do you think so many people swing, parallel date (Hi! Blackfoot), have PA/EA - because it is almost impossible for one person to meet all of your sexual/emotional needs. If they are meeting NONE, I think you have a clear cut answer. At least to me you do. Some would argue that. But I do not believe denying your sexuality is the way to go. I'm still struggling with this myself and my H has been meeting a lot more of my needs. More but of course, not all. Should I deny myself those needs or find other outlets for them? Some say that is a moral/religious issue. I disagree. I think is a very personal issue that only THAT person can figure out for themselves. You can't rubber stamp how everyone else should live their lives. I've said before, that if it wasn't for the kids, I may not have reconciled with H. But RIGHT NOW in my life, I feel emotionally and believe intellectually that we are better off as a family. That does not mean I am returning to my old self. No. But I am living within this M as my new self and taking it as it comes. Honestly, my innocence regarding the M is gone. I do not EXPECT that we will live happily ever after. Frankly, I can't see more than a few months down the road. I'm ok with that although a little restless. I'm trying not to dwell on the future and I don't think you should either.
So you don't think Michelle is just hovering over the board waiting for the most inopportune time to lock the thread, then locking it, and chuckling manaically while we flounder around trying to cut-and-paste. Once again proving you are insane
What I did not understand is that no matter how much we loved each other, she still wanted to hear it and feel it. Seeing a little healthy jealousy is reaffirming. It is bonding and ritualistic. It makes her feel good because it soothes her insecurities, even if showing jealousy does nothing directly for me. But when she feels good, I feel good, so indirectly it does benefit me. I totally agree with this paragraph Cobra. My H used to drive me nutty with his TOTAL lack of jealousy. I think there is such thing as "healthy" jealousy vs. "dysfunctional" jealousy. But I'm sure he being the intellectual that he is probably thought that was "beneath" us. Unfortunately, it came across as him either not caring (which I don't think was the case) or him being so arrogant/confident in his belief that I would never do something No Matter What that it was unbelievable. I think arrogant/confident is not really the right words there, I think it was really ignorance and a poor assessment on his part as to how I was feeling (undesired, unwanted, etc). He was blind to my thoughts and feelings which was so scary. I would fantasize all the time about being with someone else. Maybe I should have told him that before the separation.
Quote: So any show of jealousy was illogical since an action that would create this feeling in me meant that she was leaving me, probably for some good reason and if she found someone more attractive than I, what could I do about it.
Ditto. Former belief, Jealousy is a negative unhealthy emotion. Must be eradicated.
My H used to drive me nutty with his TOTAL lack of jealousy
Guilty. Nothing could make me jealous. Nothing. Untill the affair started, I showed jealousy, got smirked at and was validated in my beliefs that cobra stated above.
It makes her feel good because it soothes her insecurities
I was of a mind she needed to get over them. Find it in herself. Cold/heartless, guilty. My current actions are more of the same, I guess. Paying the price. She isnt subjected to it anymore.
In retrospect I see how that baffled her and hurt her. The times I saw her doing it to 'test' the R so to speak, and get/see a reaction from me I thought it was immature and so ignored it. I certainly would never intentionally make her jealous. Towards the end when I saw her getting caught up in her feelings, I thought they were her's to control or not. Felt it, crushed it, shut her out. She wants to be here or not. I have value or don't. So shes not. More validation. Incorrect I know. Wont let best man from next wedding live with me.
Thanks to all for your insights in my thread, I had a customary long reply to you LFL, but I am going to let it lie.
A young woman I know once had a lot of trouble understanding why her H was so jealous of some of her male old college buddies whom she would see along with some female college buddies on a once/year jaunt to which all spouses were invited. She had not ever dated any of these guys. I finally pointed out that the jealousy was nice (it wasnt' over the top) because what woman wants to be seen as totally "safe", like there is absolutely no possibility that anything could happen with anyone else. Frankly, the one or two displays of jealousy my H ever showed were very affirming.
"Glob, glob, glob" Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Although splat is probably the closest sound.
OK. I've already done one 180, I've completely stopped badgering her about relationship issues, in fact I haven't even mentioned them in the past 2 days.
As far as convos go, I guess I do always try to validate students when they speak up in class because I don't want them to stop asking questions or responding to mine. I thought I was doing something similar to W, but maybe I was not being as understanding of her because I know she is extremely intelligent.
"be confident and strong" In terms of affection, what does that mean? Right now the affection I give her is several hugs a day from behind with a whispered I love you in her ear. Gentle pats on whatever part of her body is closest when I walk by. Rubbing her leg or giving her a foot massage when she sits on the couch watching TV, and caressing her body while she lays in bed when I leave in the morning for work or while we are falling asleep. Are any of those grabby or needy?
"cheerful and happy" That will be tough, but I'll try.
"now is not the time" Read you loud and clear the last time.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"could it be that the resistance comes from control issues" Yeah, I have none, on my emotions right now.
I don't think the scientist analogy works for me. I am not an "ivory tower" scientist that was more common a generation ago. Not a lecture goes by that I don't acknowledge the imperfections of what I am teaching. My discipline frankly demands such qualification, perhaps more than any other. In fact, it is those imperfections and the search to find corrections is what I love the most about science. I love talking to students about quantum gravity, string theory, wormholes. And I also love talking about the interface between science and religion, psuedosciences, etc. Anyway, I don't mind people pointing out to me that I am wrong, but I will also jump on something if it doesn't make sense to me.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"You were possessive (the bad boy side) and let's face it there is something to be said for this against my better judgment. Evolutionary psychology at it's finest. Quite a turn-on."
A light bulb just went off in my head. I wonder if this possessiveness (lots of esses there) need can be in men as well as women. I wonder if part of the weirdness inside of me from my W's reaction to me telling her about the EA comes from the fact that she didn't react strongly enough to indicate that she feels possessive of me. Basically, my wacky brain interpreted her non-response as "I don't really care one way or another, because I don't feel you are mine anyway." I have to admit, it would be kindof a turn-on for me if she would act possessive toward me. OK you armchair psychologists out there, have fun with that one.
"TMI straight ahead" I'm going to quote Karen (or maybe it was Chrissy) "TMI ... on this board?"
(RESPONSE TO ANALYSIS BY LFL) WOW! I mean, I meant to do all that ... yeah! I've got you ladies figured out and are just manipulating you at every turn.
"But that's the beauty of you Globule. I know you are doing the same thing!" Amazing, someone used beauty and Globule in the same sentence.
"Ok, so let's make it official: You are my favorite poster on this board. It's on the record now." Dang! You're going to make me say DITTO! again.
Seriously, it always puts a smile on my face to see that you posted. I know there will be lots of humor, TMI, good stories, and occasionally some ego-stroking. Cobra on the other hand, I know I must get a look of grim determination. His posts are always so dense (as in lots of stuff not thick-skulled).
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Globe I do not think if you stop doing things for your children is a 180. Even if for some odd reason this helped your marriage think of how it would effect your relationship with your kids." You're right, that was kinda dumb. Even though I am partially doing things with the kids to help the W, it is also for them too and it is good for me.
A good example (the pillow thing)! Very concrete. I'll process. Thanks! (That was a 180 for me, short sentences ).
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"he seems to need to appear that he is doing okay" I can definitely say that is a need for me too. I could get through my days a lot better if the W would just let me know that she thinks I am doing good.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Even though I am partially doing things with the kids to help the W, it is also for them too and it is good for me.