"Can't speak for your W but most people believe doing a 180 is needed in long-term R's that are going stale. So whatever you have been presenting to her (and you know perfectly well what that is), try and do the opposite. Monitor results."

The problem I have with that philosophy is that if I take it literally, I would stop doing the dishes, I would stop changing diapers, I would stop giving the twins their bath, I would stop cleaning up their toys, I would stop giving my wife affection, I would stop saying I love you, I would stop telling her I am attracted to her, I would stop giving her gifts, I would stop asking for a affection from her, I would stop asking for sex from her, etc. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. Am I getting this all wrong?

"On a personal note, I find you are one of the most attractive men on this board."
One of the most? Who ranks above me? I'm gonna kill 'em!!!
You're number 1 for me on this board, why aren't I number 1 for you. (sniff sniff) How's that for a guilt trip?

"You are emotional yet can intellectualize your situation to realize when your emotions are detrimental. Not that you always know what to do with those emotions (and who does really), but you have a strong sense of self-awareness. You are analytical. Love that! You take suggestions/opinions/advice very well. You are very sensitive. Some women would probably think you are too sensitive but I think it is very attractive."
Thanks. I think I'm blushing. Not very manly of me.

"But, I'm not your W. I only "see" you through this computer screen. Don't have to live with you day in and day out LOL. It's not a realistic assessment of you as a person but your persona on the boards is very appealing (to me)."
Fair enough. I'm sure if you saw me sitting in front of the TV scratching my balls (apologies to Al Bundy) you'd rethink your opinions.

"Can't speak for all women but since we're friends I thought I would share that with you."
Glad you did, thanks!

"Don't discount these traits as not attractive - in general. They are! BUT since you are working on your M you need to figure out what traits/behaviors SHE finds attractive to HER. Yet, STILL KEEP THE BEST PARTS OF YOURSELF INTACT."
That's going to be tricky based on what I am getting on this board. What I consider to be the best parts of me seem to clash with what others are saying I should do. There are very big parts of me that I can only express to my wife (or on an anonymous message board). My sexuality, my desire for affection, etc. Expressing that to someone else is cheating or at least and EA. I guess my dilemma is that our culture says you should reserve all of your sexuality for your spouse. But my spouse doesn't want my sexuality. What do I do with it? Can't bottle it up anymore.

"You cannot change for someone else. You are who you are. She needs to accept that or not. Just like I need to either accept my H for his BASIC qualitites that he will always possess or not. Sure he can tweak it here and there (and that is working), but he will never be someone that he is not at his CORE. You can get into all the FOO stuff and biological/genetic traits that are inherited (more nature than nurture), but figuring out which ones are which is the hard part."
This is one of the things that worries me the most. My wife and I do have a lot of incompatibilities. Some of them can be fixed, but some of them I am not sure of. Some of those incompatibilities could kill our chances for a happy marriage.

"Is your W genetically programmed to simply be LD? Is her FOO such an influence on her sexuality that breaking through that influence will be near impossible? Can't say for sure but let's face it, it's going to be a very uphill battle. She never was HD so it's not like she lost it, and she does not show any real affort AT THIS POINT to change."
This is one of the things that keeps me awake at night and on this board so much.


"Then again, my H was LD throughout our M and now we are having frequent sex. Needed to go through hell to get here but never say never. My gut is telling me you are going to need a major shake up in your own M to see any real effort to change on your W's part. You'll figure it out Globule."
This is my hope, that somehow, somewhere, sometime our marriage will have a fundamental shift. I hope it doesn't require going through hell to get there, but if it does, I'll bring a fan and a lot of water.

"You have friends to get you through it!"
Makes me feel a LOT better knowing that.


"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"

Inertia Creeps by Massive Attack