A New Beginning

[sage]

Hi Karen,

First off, let me say I'm sorry if I came in here and sounded heavy handed -- "here's your issue and I suspect you have it in other areas, too" That's one of the penalties of having so little time of late...I think about my response off line for a few days and then I come in and blast away. That being said, I stand by my original assessment I think you are personalizing h's statements and reacting to them and that's perpetuating a cycle. Your use of the word "defensive" (which implies "reaction" not "action" to me) reinforces that in my mind.

I understand that it would have been best for me respond in a humorous way, but I don't understand how it is NOT about me. Had he not been b!tching about me to his co-workers, they wouldn't give him s#^t. He has told me that his (female) boss was already trying to fix him up with some biker chicks, and that his "friends" have told him that they would have left me a long time ago. How do I not feel defensive after hearing that?

I know he is not going to go out w/anyone at this point, but I feel like he makes it a point to rub these things in my face about how he should have left a long time ago, etc. I don't just feel this way, I KNOW it. He does it to be hurtful.

So, Karen...where in the above is any indication that it's "about" you....I'm not saying you're not his topic of choice, but where, aside from whatever your bring into your side of the marriage, is his conversation or bitching to his friends or overtly hurtful behavior about YOU?

What if instead of your M he was talking about a blue shirt. How much he loathes this blue shirt, how he should have gotten rid of this blue shirt a long time ago, how when he wears it, his coworkers give him crap and offer to buy him a new shirt.

Is the above ABOUT the shirt? Or is it about h's feelings toward the shirt? Do you see the difference?

Again, I'm not saying you don't have responsibilities in this M...you're responsible for your stuff and that's cool but you're not responsible for h's feelings about your stuff...and he can and should be able to talk about his feeling without you absorbing it all as some reflection on you.

I know I'm not making good sense here and it's frustrating me too.

Let me tackle it from a different way.

I wish to God that I didn't react like I did, b/c now, again, h is done done done. I just still do not understand why he never says he is kidding or that he didn't mean it like that, or whatever, to dispell my hurt feelings, but yet, he gets MAD at me for not "taking a joke."

Here's another analogy...I feel like you're saying "h is pulling all the strings and making me dance and react and I wish to crud he'd stop pulling the strings so I can stop dancing."

Two actions -- string pulling and dancing that you think are cause and effect and that the former has to stop before the latter can. YOU can choose to stop dancing, Karen. That breaks the cycle too. I see you standing there saying WHY won't he stop pulling my strings (making hurtful comments, not apologizing for them) instead of focusing on "how can I stop dancing?".

I feel defensive b/c:
a. H doesn't care about my feelings and tells me so,
b. I feel like I messed up again, and any type of DB'ing that I ever do seems to get lost when I mess up
c. I struggle with thinking that he is P-A and verbally abusive and that I don't deserve to be treated how he treats me
d. I think I am a great catch who doesn't deserve to be treated this way
e. I wish I wasn't so thin skinned/sensitive, but I can't change overnight.
f. I love him and knowing that he only tells his friends his side of the story and that his friends don't like me hurts. (Obviously, his friends wouldn't dislike me if he told them how wonderful I am).

Which of the above can you control, Karen? Take the ones that are within your area of influence and let's put some goals around them.

A friend of mine asked me this weekend what my gut told me, not my feelings, or my head, but my GUT. Honestly, I think my gut has been telling me for a long, long time that H just isn't v sensitive to me or my feelings. He's been threatening to leave me for the past couple years.

OK, not to be insensitive but all well and good but still not something you can control...

I know I have issues, I never deny that. But, how can I work with him this way? I don't know what to do. Move out asap? He is giving me the silent treatment now, I am maintaining the mystery, etc. I didn't even go home on Sat. night.

What's your ultimate goal, Karen???

My two cents, take the focus off of h and what he is or isn't giving you and start focusing on your own growth. Does not coming home all night make you feel good? To me it seems like more of a power struggle extender.

I've got to run.

I'll be back later this week.

Sage