Sage and Bonkers, Thank you for stopping by. I guess I am not sure I understand 100% either. I understand that it would have been best for me respond in a humorous way, but I don't understand how it is NOT about me. Had he not been b!tching about me to his co-workers, they wouldn't give him s#^t. He has told me that his (female) boss was already trying to fix him up with some biker chicks, and that his "friends" have told him that they would have left me a long time ago. How do I not feel defensive after hearing that? I know he is not going to go out w/anyone at this point, but I feel like he makes it a point to rub these things in my face about how he should have left a long time ago, etc. I don't just feel this way, I KNOW it. He does it to be hurtful.
I wish to God that I didn't react like I did, b/c now, again, h is done done done. I just still do not understand why he never says he is kidding or that he didn't mean it like that, or whatever, to dispell my hurt feelings, but yet, he gets MAD at me for not "taking a joke."
I feel defensive b/c: a. H doesn't care about my feelings and tells me so, b. I feel like I messed up again, and any type of DB'ing that I ever do seems to get lost when I mess up c. I struggle with thinking that he is P-A and verbally abusive and that I don't deserve to be treated how he treats me d. I think I am a great catch who doesn't deserve to be treated this way e. I wish I wasn't so thin skinned/sensitive, but I can't change overnight. f. I love him and knowing that he only tells his friends his side of the story and that his friends don't like me hurts. (Obviously, his friends wouldn't dislike me if he told them how wonderful I am).
A friend of mine asked me this weekend what my gut told me, not my feelings, or my head, but my GUT. Honestly, I think my gut has been telling me for a long, long time that H just isn't v sensitive to me or my feelings. He's been threatening to leave me for the past couple years.
Where does one draw the line between maitaining one's dignity, and DB'ing? Though his comments may not be personal and more a reflection of his own issues, they still hurt and I think I deserve to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. H has pretty much told me for years that he has "nothing left to give," and that I need to deal with it.
I don't have this problem with other people. ???
I know I have issues, I never deny that. But, how can I work with him this way? I don't know what to do. Move out asap? He is giving me the silent treatment now, I am maintaining the mystery, etc. I didn't even go home on Sat. night.
