A New Beginning

[sage]

I would love to really understand what you said here. I understood 90% but the part I didn't get was . . . what would have been an appropriate response for Karen to give to her H about the "funny" living situation comment. Could you please clarify that for me? Thanks so much.

Bonkers,

Hi. The comment I was specifically referring to was when Karen's h said something about getting S^&T from his coworkers because she dropped him off. I guess he then followed that up with telling her they know about the sitch or something, right?

I don't know what the exact appropriate response would have been which is why I suggested trial and error. A flip response such as "oh, well, that S^&KS" might have shown some level of confidence or humor BUT....when I went back and re-read the exact exchange, it occurred to me that IMHO, the best response would have been one that reflected back to him that he was disclosing something...so a good response might have been "that sounds hard for you" or even NO VERBAL response but a wistful smile and a quick squeeze of his arm that sort of conveys "I'm sorry. This is tough for both of us."

Don't ever discount the power of a very simple or a silent response. In my M, sometimes the less said the better when it comes to tough conversations...not because we shouldn't or don't talk about stuff but because it quickly gets overwhelming. I learn a lot from my h from his actions or even his silence and I've realized that he looks to me for those clues as well (while I've been peppering him with words for years!!!).

I guess my point is that in this type of conversations, I have no real idea what the exact "right" response is...likely there isn't just one. But I know from personal experience that the "how could you say that to me" personalization reaction is rarely one that advances the conversation or the situation. Yes, Karen's h brought up a painful topic...but his comments were about how he was reacting to it...not at all about her.

Sage